Good Will Hunting. I cried. Good lord, I haven't cried in awhile.

today my body floated away and i stayed in my chair. it went everywhere and only brought back postcards of the places i'd never visit. the stories i've told, the places i've been... it's not real. i've only seen the sun set in the west and that's the way it will always be. i can't change that. but i've seen a fire from the east at night. i've made it happen. i called upon a change, something different. it can only be made out through the blood in my veins... but it's there. if only i could feel it.

I took this picture today. I don't know what it is. It's beautiful.

I was looking through a bunch of old e-mails tonight... and I realized... I don't keep in touch with people well. It's not that I don't think about these people... it's just that... sometimes I don't even realize how much shit I have going on for myself. I have a job 8 hours a day. I get home from that and I sit down and do one of like a hundred things. Draw, design, write, photograph, write music... and like, if I find something that interests me during the day, I'll usually look for something about it, figure out how to do it and then do it. I made this promise to myself a long time ago... It was right about the time my grandmother died... No, it was before that really... but it became more prominent when she died. I want to do everything.

The general opinion of the human population is that you can't do something unless you have the talent to do so... I've always thought that was bullshit. I've worked hard to do what I do. I've studied, I've learned and I've fucked up enough to know what not to do. I've been told I have a talent for certain things (as most everyone is told). But I find that it's not so much about talent, but more about the drive to want to do something. I've heard, "I just don't have the talent to do so-and-so" so many fucking times it makes me sick. If you want to do it, DO IT! In the end people respond more to the emotion and energy that is put into something than the work itself.

I'm not a good artist. I'm not a good designer. I'm not a good writer. I'm not a good musician. But I don't give a fuck. I create what looks and sounds good to me. I'm never satisfied. It always has to be better. I'm a stubborn prick. When I throw something out to you guys, I'm putting myself on the line here. If it's half assed, I'm the only person that will be ashamed. I'm human. I can help it, but sometimes I just don't have the energy...

It's late. I'm tired and rambling now...

What was I talking about? Oh yea. If I haven't e-mailed you or called you in a long time, I'm sorry. Chances are, I still think about you... I just don't give myself enough time to let you know.

I didn't do much today. I got up and realized that I didn't have a ride to work. I usually take the bus, but the LA bus drivers union is on strike. So I didn't go to work. Instead, I did the next best thing; I went down to the DMV to get a license. After that I went to this italian place and had a big ass calzones all to myself... Uhh... then I came home and watched A Bronx Tale... fitting.



It was dark today. Overcast. I could smell the rain in the air. I can't wait till it starts to really rain. It's been too long.

I just bought Magnolia today. I mentioned that I went to a place called the Foxfire on my birthday. That bar was the same bar they filmed in for Magnolia. As a matter of fact most of that movie was shot here in Burbank. One of the the main streets here is called Magnolia...



Things like these are strange and only phase me because I start to realize how close I am to creating things like that movie. There was a diary of the making of the movie in video form on the DVD I bought. Paul Thomas Anderson wrote and directed the movie. He put his entire self into it. You could feel his tension whenever a scene would be shot. It was him... the entire thing. This grand million dollar movie came out of something as intangible as Paul Thomas Andersons brain. Fuck. That's grand. I could feel his tears as he accepted an award for his own movie, that he just watched on a large cinema screen. I mean, how should you feel when you realize that you just told somebody something, you layed out your entire self... and they understood. And it made them feel...



I don't strive for a purpose... but I strive for feeling.

Yesterday was my birthday. In the afternoon we went to a mexican restaurant where my co-workers ordered me a margarita and charged it to Universal (it was my 21st birthday). Then I went back to work. Then I went and got the most outrageously expensive haircut in the world. For the price of a dreamcast game I got a trim. I don't know why. For dinner I went to a place called Tokyo Delves. Crazy ass sushi bar. They gave us a lot of sake. We drank a lot of sake. Halfway through everyone in the place got up on the chairs and started dancing. It was loud and fun. Then we went to a bar called the foxfire. More drinks were purchased for me. I drank them. I had a lot of personal conversations and found out some things about people. Ron, Sherry, Rob, Robs boyfreind, Matt, and Barbara rock. Then we headed to the Sheraton Universal hotel and a lot of people came over. They were loud... well I was loud too. People complained. The hotel said we could play our guitars in the lobby. We did. Then I went to sleep.



This night was strange cuz I don't usually drink. I didn't get really drunk, but I was pretty much gone. I found out that some people piss me off. It's not humanity... it's just that when some of them get together, they clash and bad things happen. The first half of the evening was great. The second half almost deserve a "sucked donkeys nuts" label... but it was ok.



I'm hung over.



I'm gonna go download mals new songs now.

Last night I went swimming. It was weird. Like a "nobody has any clothes on" sorta weird. I honestly don't know how this happened. One second I was playing MDK2... and the next I was in a pool with two naked women. It was like some insane fucked up dream. Not that I minded. I mean i'm bragging here aren't I? Christ.



Speaking of MDK... That game is really difficult. But it's cool cuz it actually makes me think I've accomplished something once I finish a level. It's pretty entertaining too. I'd reccomend it to anyone who's got a dreamcast.



I'm off to see "The Art of War" in about an hour. I don't have high expectations. We'll see.

Yesterday was a semi-eventful day. I went to the Moca museum where they had an exhibit on the last century of architecture. It was pretty much a display of building models from Wright, Le Corbusier, Van der Rohe and... uhh... Gaudi... I think. I liked some of Corbusier's stuff. he made some nice houses in his day. Though most of his stuff was usually apartment complexes. There was a huge model of Wrights Falling Water on display. It even had the waterfall simulated. Crazy shit. Guadi is just fucked up. I don't even know how he did half of his stuff. Amazing. They also had some Japanese architects on display. They had some nice high rises. There was a building that looked like the Transamerica, but this one was in China. Overall It was kinda cool. I picked up a book of photographs by an NY cabbie called Drive By Shootings while I was there. It's strange... but some of it is interesting.

That night I went to a sorta party and watched In the Mouth of Madness. Trippy horror flick with the dude from Jurassic Park. I dug it. Some guy almost passed out... well I guess he did pass out for a second. Then I went home and slept.