Umm... I went to two pearl jam concerts this week. The first was probably one of the coolest concerts I've been to... It was a small venue, people were nice and really friendly. They were there to listen to the music...



The second, tonight, left me with a general disdain for a certian portion of the human race. There was a guy in front of us... uhh... cracked out. Literally. Every person that walked by him became a target. Man, woman, child... it didn't matter. This guy wanted to destroy something. And we stood behind him the entire time. Normally I'd just move... but my ride didn't seem to want to leave that spot... not only that... they decided to provoke him further... This turned out to be the worst concert I've ever been to.



If you really knew me, you'd know how much I despise fighting. People who feel the need to fight everything in the world are afraid of themselves. Beneath this thick layer of cold stares and hard fists, are the weakest people you could ever meet. It takes little to break them. It takes a lot to love them... I feel sorry for them, but really... get the fuck out of my face. Seriously. Go peddle your fear elsewhere. Once you learn to get over yourself, come back and we can laugh and joke at what a dick you were.



I hate being angry. I really do. It's something I wish I could do away with... but instead, I'll settle for learning from my anger. I didn't get in a fight tonight, but I was distracted from the music. The MUSIC. Good lord, there was good music, and someone decided to listen to their weakness instead. A shame...



But i'm home now, my warm bed only a few feet away... This is a house of love. I can feel it in the walls. I'm better.

I just don't know what to say. It's a lonely night... by choice. I turned down going to a halloween party tonight... and with good reason. I'm downloading a bunch of smashing pumpkins b-sides that i never got around to downloading... I even found a kroq recording where billy announces the break up of the band... that was the same night they played at the Universal Ampitheatre... the same concert I tried desperately to get to, and failed... now I'm all nostalgic and sad... damn.



I wanna play live music. I want to play for people in small venues... clubs and such... I just want to play and be relaxed and laugh with random people who come to see me... that would be cool. I want mal to come down and play music WITH me. I want US to play at clubs and such... I don't wanna be famous. I just wanna play music.



I wanna wake up and feel like I don't have to live up to anything... even my own ideals. I want the nights to go on and on, without the worry of 8 am ringing in my ears. I want a lot. I want to know what I really want. Where is my passion? Where are all the things I've ever loved. I'm getting back to that point of emotionless living. I wish I didn't contradict my own wants. I want sleep. I want to do everything. I want to know exactly what I need to say to make everything something worth anything. I have some sort of passion... I just don't know what it's for.



I'm as lost as anyone. You're worse off than me. I wish I could make you all feel a millions times better. I mean that. I really do. I'm just tired. I'm not bitter... just tired. At times I feel like I've got everything figured out, and finally I realize it was all wrong. ALL OF IT. When are we going to stop and realize that nothing is right. The house you live in, the people you love, you're favorite song... it's all wrong. We're all wrong. Stop believing what you're doing is right. It's not. I don't care who you are. It's not right. Just stop. What you think will make you happy probably won't. So stop thinking and just... go. Unplug. Run on empty. Live in a box. It'll be okay. I can't promise that. I'd be wrong. There's no way around it. Catch 22.



I'm never right... I just find temporary solutions. All this feels like is one big string of temporary solutions to everyday heartaches. Excuse me for being temporarily pessimistic... I'll flip tommorow. That's one thing you can count on. The chaos of jacob.



No wonder I'm home alone...



Wait. My roommates back. She's really drunk. Maybe she's right. I'll ask her... ... ... ... Nope she's wrong too. Damn. We're screwed.

So, I've been watching bjork videos all day... I think I love her. She just has to be the best human being alive. I found myself just sitting and grinning while watching Human Behaviour and Venus as a Boy. I Miss You is now my favorite song ever. That sums up what I go through... Plus the video for it is ALL DONE BY SPUMCO!!! Can you believe that shit? Animated spumco bjork. That rocks.



The collection I was watching is called Volumen. Me and mal were talking about bjork videos like, yesterday... and I saw it today. So I got it. It's on DVD which is the fuckin coolest. I can skip around and shit... It's like a CD, but with VIDEO... I'm such a geek. The stupidest things amaze me.



So, in case you can't tell, I'm completely smitten by bjork. Her eyes are even the exact color as mine. Like dark green hazel... It just makes me all giddy.



Oh, I got a few other videos also. Hard Boiled, The Rocky Horror Special DVD set, Boogie Nights, and the Toy Story Collection DVDs... Umm, I just got 'em today... So I haven't watched them all yet. Except Hard Boiled... Which was cool... Yea...

This is new, in case you didn't notice. It's very user unfriendly. You're welcome.

I drew this tonight... in flash... of all programs (colored in photoshop). I've been using flash quite a bit lately for a few different projects. At work they asked me to draw some characters for one of our sites. They wanted the lines in vector format so they could resize as they saw fit. Only, Illustrator is acting all buggy on my machine so I decided to use flash to draw them, and then just export them as eps files. I love it. Super clean lines. And they have points, so i can get rid of all the jagged edges I didn't like in the line strokes. It's great...



Oh yea... for those that don't know, I've been working on a flash version of this site for awhile now, and I've been testing out different menu layouts, but I still haven't found one that I like... I'll probably keep testing failed ones here as I see fit.



So, I usually would've sent all that out to the mailing list, but seeing as how there aren't that many people on the mailing list yet, I thought I'd put it here. But all new music will only be announced on the list... just because, it seems like it should.



Yesterday I went to Magic Mountain ( one of southern californias many theme parks) for their "Fright Fest" goings on. It was interesting. I found that I don't fit in roller coasters that well anymore. When did I get THAT tall? I don't look it. The haunted houses stationed throughout the park were anything but scary... or maybe it's just because i've become so immune to the fear of impending death that nothing can scare me... except girls. Girls scare the shit out of me. Really.



Yea... I was supposed to get a drivers license today... but I didn't... so I don't wanna talk about it...



night...

I picked up three good albums tonight, just out of curiousity, and they were all surprisingly good. I grabbed the bjork CD, Selmasongs, just because I've been hearing so much about the movie it's a soundtrack of. It's really grand and... I dunno... different. I dig it. PLUS she does a duet with Thom York of Radiohead... It don't get much better than that. Oh yea, you can dl that song here.



The other album I picked up was, what I guess is, the new Paul Oakenfold CD. Perfecto Presents Another World. I like this one better than the other one I picked up earlier this week, Tranceport. It's a 2 CD set and he even has a Led Zepplin Track... What the fuck? I dunno... it sounds cool though. I'm just getting into this whole dance music thing, so I don't really have any reference (besides underworld *swoon*) to go by. It's all good though. PLUS the last track on the second CD has Sarah Mclachlan on vocals... Good lord, that makes me happy. Sorry, no dl of that song. It's 11 minutes, gimme a break.



Oh, and the third one I got was an oldie. The Radiohead My Iron Lung EP Import. It's cool. PLUS it has one song on it that I haven't heard before. punchdrunklovesick singalong. yay.



I had to design some things for work tonight, so these helped me get through it all. Not that I don't like designing... it's just that it kept me on the designs rather than freespace 2.

I just had the most ghetto experience. The bus drivers union is on strike. So no buses are running... except a few. There's only one that takes me home and it comes at 7:30. I get off of work at 6. So tonight I wait like I usually do and the bus comes at it's normal time. So I get on... and the driver goes about 5 mph. Finally after about 5 blocks he stops the bus, get's off, runs to a payphone and makes a call. By this time I've already figured out that the front door won't close and he won't drive the bus that way. So I assumed that he went to call the main office... or whatever they call it. I was right. The bus wasn't going anywhere. I was stranded with 20 other people who were desperate to get home to downtown LA... and they were loud about it...



So, finally the drivers supervisor shows up and withing minutes he figures that, yes, the door is broken. So, what now? Being the nice guy that he is, the supervisor decides to take all 21 people from the bus in his van on the route... the van was only supposed to hold like 10. Being the nice guy that I am, I let everyone on before me. I need to stop being a nice guy. I was forced to sit on the floor, smashed up against the door. That sucked.



At this point, after already waiting for a half hour, I was happy to just be going home finally. Only, at one point, everyone that happened to be going to downtown LA decided that it would be better if he just drove straight there. That would only be, oh, 50 miles away from my home... in BURBANK! Luckily, through the yelling and bitching brought on by everyone in the van, the supervisor decided just to stay on the regular route...



Until he saw an out of service bus go by. So he called him up, had him stop and take us through the rest of the route... I got home...



I hate the bus. I really do...

This has to be the coolest thing anyone has ever made for me. It made me laugh for like ten minutes straight. If anyone ever gave me a gift in the future, that's what they'd have to live up to. I should make up some cliche gay quote for how cool mal is. "Behold the everlasting art power that is MAL!" or some junk. Yea. Don't fuck with him. He'll grab you by the ankles and dunk your sorry excuse for a head in a toilet. Bitch. I have no idea where I'm going with this. I'm stopping now... Right now... now.



It's late. I'm sorry. Lick me.



I've been playing freespace 2 lately. Well, tonight I have been. No, I still haven't finished MDK2. That game is insanely difficult and I will only finish it when I have an entire week to sit around and do nothing. I'm on the last level. It's hard.



I just went and saw "Meet the Family". Ben stiller is funny, and Robert DeNiro has suprisingly good comedic timing... but everything that happened was everything that happens in every Ben Stiller movie... Not exactly the same, but I always knew what was gonna happen. Too predictable.



I still haven't seen "Almost Famous". I'm dying to see it. I wanna go with a girl. I want every girl that reads this to fly down to Burbank so they can watch this movie with me. I'll pay for popcorn... and the movie too...

I'm in great deal of pain. No, not like mental anguish or anything... my back really fucking hurts. I mean really really bad. Every move I make causes me to grit my teeth. Even typing this hurts. Constant pain... and I don't even know why. I'm going to die.



So, Disneyland wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I always expect to have a bad time... and then I have a pretty good time. I think the thing is that I go in with all these people that I usually don't get along with very well... and I just don't care... So I act like an idiot. I guess I make my own good time. Like running all over the park and playing hide and go seek... or making the indiana jones ride as REAL as possible...



I'm going to go clutch my back and cry now...

I woke up this morning all set to go to work. I mean, that's pretty nifty when you're set to go to work. But since I won't have a car for a few weeks, and the bus drivers union is on strike, I had to get a ride from someone else. Only, she never showed up. I can't go to work. There is no way in hell I could get there without a ride... This does not make me happy.



To top it all off, I'm going to Disneyland tonight. I mean, it's not that I don't like Disneyland... it's just that, once you've ridden all the rides there, it's not as cool going back. Unless you go with someone that's never gone. Indiana Jones is the only thing that makes me happy... and clam chowder in a bread bowl...



I've been unusually giddy lately. I don't get it. Maybe it's because people are talking to me... I used to be pretty bitter. Now I'm not. Not that I mind.



It's my nature I guess. I change a lot. I'm a different person during different seasons. You can't call it multiple personality disorder, because it's always me... just like... different variations of me. It just makes it strange because I completely notice the change when it happens. I feel different. I'm a strange person. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.



It still won't rain here though... That's one thing that never changes. I always want it to rain. But I want some kind of movie romance when it does rain... I want the camera to pan up from the ground to a silhouette of two bodies in a street light, soaking wet. That would make millions.

Allright... now people can buy peices of my priceless soul at cafepress. Three items, one of which includes the only thing I could think to do with the ghetto ass shirts they have...



I don't really expect anyone to buy any of this stuff except for me... but I would love you forever if you did.



92354083.That's my icq number. I just got it again. I kinda hate icq unless I'm talking to mal or something... But if you fall madly in love with me and would like to tell me right away, then just punch up that number. Though, if you message me just to say "hi", I'm generally not that talkative... but, I'll still listen...

I wrote a letter tonight. It was about everything that you were. It went on and on about how that vacant (thoughtful?) stare shot feathers through my stomach. That still image, that tiny reflection of light in your eye that meant the difference between passing you up... and a dizzy blur. Oh, and it WAS dizzy! I felt sick. But I would've gladly felt sick again just to see that reflection of light turn to me. That was a sickness I only dream I could cure with a touch...



I wrote about the rain and how I loved to walk in it and let it envelop me... only to make believe that every raindrop were your fingers... (I wish it would rain). I'd lay in the street and close my eyes and smell everything. I'd take it all in. I'd open my mouth and taste...



I wrote about everything I never knew, and somehow it all became clear. I never lied about my foolishness though. No, I keep that with me everyday, taped to my forehead, as a reminder... a reminder that I'm human enough to feel this thing. Life. Love. I can't escape it. As much as it hurts at times... I just can't escape it. But at least I know the trade off... a smile, a handshake and a kiss... tingles all over.



I wrote and I wrote. Good lord! I wrote a lot. A book! A love story! Before it ever happened. It's already happened on the page. Have I just wasted everything I wanted on a series of papers? I never even knew you. Only your image... and a few of your words...



Damn... that sucks...



So... I never sent it. Here it lays, in a drawer in my desk, never to see the light of day again... Unless through my eyes.



Man... random beautiful women just aren't good for my equilibrium.

Good lord, it's already 10:30... What happened? This day and these allergies just
raped me sideways. It's gotta be allergies. Something fucked up like that. I woke
up and felt really nauseous. I almost didn't go to work... but I kinda like my
job... so I went. Like... the Grinch movie is coming out soon... that's one of
ours. We're doing this stuff for the grinch, but there's all these fucked up legal
issues that can't correlate the movie with the cartoon... or some junk. I don't
really get it. I'm making flash screen savers and e-cards (internet evil) for
some event that is supposed to happen at the Universal Studios park at the same
time the movie's coming out. Umm... yea. I never talk about my job... so... now
I have. That's what I do... sometimes. It always changes.



Well, probably 30% of the day is spent bullshitting... or playing basketball...
or Soul Caliber... Not that it's wasted time. No... it uhh... all helps develop
our creativity. I've worked at this job since January. So far it's the most laid
back and creative job I've had... I've had some fucked up jobs in the past. I
worked at KB Toys right before I worked here. Retail...



Christ... retail. If ever there was a genre of jobs that would make me want to
pull my left testicle from below and stick it with sewing needles, just so I could
go home sick... it would be retail. I worked in retail at the most horrifying
time anyone in the world could ever work in retail. War time. The battle of the
bulge. Fucking christmas shopping season...



The first day of the shopping season was the day after thanksgiving. The busiest shopping day of the year. They called it "black day". Now, I never knew
this. I was always a sane human being. The day after Thanksgiving is always a
holiday. You don't wake up at 4:00 am in the morning to shop on a holiday. Christ.
You'd have to be a moron. You know what. This country is full of morons.



Like a week before this day, management called the entire staff together for a pre-black-day
meeting. It was called black day for some stupid marketing reason, i dunno. Basically this
day is the most profitable day of the year... especially for toy stores. They
sat down everyone in the store and had us watch a video that would prepare us for black day... which normally seems
okay and I'd be happy with... except for that fact that the meeting was called
at 5:00 am in the godforsaken morning. Good lord... All I remember
was that this video... wasn't a normal employee trainee video. It was a disclaimer.
I_was_going_to_die.



If you've ever been in the army, or have been allowed to watch the recruitment
films they show... you know that they come layered with patriotism, honor, pride
and all that crap... but deep down you just can't help but think that they're
not showing what it feels like to get your face blown up, or your stomach shafted
through your anus. There is a sense of nervousness... of foreboding doom. This
is what the KB toys video was like. Behind the smiles of all the employees turned
temporary actors, I could feel their pain. A tiny glimpse to the camera revealed
everything from one poor soul. With her eyes she said, "I'd like to take this
furby and gouge out my own eyeballs with it's beak. Good God, help me." I cried
for her.



But no, it wasn't her I felt most sorry for... it was their "team leader". Roy.
What a trooper. A fucking idiot... but a trooper nonetheless. Roy's job consisted
of telling an employee what to do, and then going to the back to call the corporate
office to tell them he just told someone what to do. Jesus. I'm glad I didn't
have his job.



No, my job wasn't as difficult. I had Joey's job. Joey, the fat but outgoing "aisle
maintenance operative", was quite a sport. He didn't seem to mind when that die
cast steel metal truck fell on top of his head... no, because he had "team spirit!". He "always put on a smile, and made sure the customer was never waiting". He couldn't
be bothered with a clean rag to sop up the blood flowing from his forehead. No!
He had customers to assist, aisles to clean, toys to make look consumable... Uhh...
so like, my duties were to keep the aisles stocked, clean, and to assist the customers.



So here we are, watching this video... and it ends with, "Your store stands to
make $100,000 from this one day alone!"... I was getting paid $6 an hour!
I... was fucking.... psyched.



So the big day finally comes. I get up at 3:00 am, just so I can take a shower
and WALK all the way to the store so I'll be there at 4:00 am to start. Now...
I thought it was stupid that the store would open at 4 that day. I was mumbling
bitter obscenities as I walked around the corner to the front store. "Nobody will
even be here, I'm just gonna be sitting around for fucking ever just waiting for
people to-" and maybe I should've mumbled this as well, "HOLY FUCKING CHRIST!"
There was a line... no... a MOB of people gathered in front of the store. It could've
been the entire city of Burbank for all I knew. The majority of these people hadn't
even showered or even bothered to dress. night caps and robes were abundant...



As I approached the front of the store I noticed that numbers were being handed
out. For what, I don't know. I'm sure they explained it all in the video, but
I hadn't noticed. I was too busy being inexplicably frightened. I entered the
store, having almost been torn apart by the rabid awaiting customers. "Jacob,
you take aisle 2!"



"Umm... k.", I was pumped.



The clock is ticking. 1 minute left until disaster strikes. With every second
my fear grows like a weed, destroying every ounce of sanity that remains. It's
only the beginning.



Boom. The doors are open. I'm greeted first by a tired middle aged woman who hates
me and everything I stand for...



"Where the fuck is... uhh... this... pokemon? My
granddaughter keeps asking for it."



"Umm-"



"Jesus, you either know or you don't know..."



"Well it's-"



"Christ, where's your manager?"



"Down the aisle and to the left."



Umm... I'd cite some more encounters with customers for the rest of the morning...
but they were all pretty much like that. Finally, after about 6 hours, I was asked
to go in the back and check inventory. Do what? I had no idea what the fuck they
were talking about. Check inventory? Uhh, I had no sort of list to even begin
to know what we were or weren't supposed to have. I went in the back and there
must have been about 5 billion boxes... yea... But uhh... waitaminute... This
box is kinda soft. My feet really hurt. I'm sure I could "check inventory" with
my eyes shut and laying on these boxes, no?



So, after a nice 10 minute nap, the door came flying open and in walked my boss.
Luckily... or supernaturally... I'm not really sure how I did it, I was up on
my feet uttering out loud, "51, 52, 53... 54. 54 boxes here... of these... things...
over here."



Well, she could see that I was incredibly tired from counting so she asked me
if I had taken my break yet. "Uhh... no..."



Umm... good lord this is getting long for a blog... Uhh so anyway, I ended up
taking a 15 minute break, going back to work, standing on my feet for another
6 hours, getting hit in the head with a fire truck, a hot wheels race track, a
Toy Story 2 RC car and a wrestlemania wrestling ring the size of a small child...
There could have been more... but things got fuzzy.



So... I kept working there for (almost) the entire christmas season. And aside
from being hit on by my married boss, and getting a mysterious paycheck for not
doing anything from her... I hated that job. Despised it. Loathed it. Wouldn't
trade a cancerous tumor for it... Yea... So when I got a job offer from Universal,
I politely told KB Toys to fuck off. Well, as politely as you can say to someone,
"Hey, this job sucks, fuck off."



I got a postcard thing in the mail the other day... asking me to "Join the KB's
team for the holiday season once more"... Yea, okay.