i've had this weird urge to go to museums lately. i really like museums. as much as i love looking at artworks and photographs and scupltures, i love doing shit like rollerskating in museums. 10 points if you can name that cinematic reference.

california is really strange right now... or, southern california, rather. i went outside to check the mail today and some kids were playing in the pool. it's like summer here. it's all nice and beautiful, though. i'd still like to see snow. living down here, you rarely see snow.

actually, there really hasn't been a good rain in quite awhile. i really need one of those days where the rain is coming down so hard on my face that i go numb. walking in the rain just... it's one of the best feelings in the world... and sometimes it can destroy me. but it always makes me feel better. i love to sit in the rain and watch my breath. i also love how people look after they've just come in from a hard rain... always so bare and naked... and beautiful.

i think beautiful is a word i use a lot lately. i've been using it in reference to a person a lot. i love it when i can do that.

my food supply is in halves right now... like: we have peanut butter, but no jelly. we have bread and cheese, but no butter to make grilled cheese sandwiches with. we have cereal, but no milk. which also means i can't make macaroni and cheese... so now i'm inventing food.

but luckily, i have tea... and it's the best goddamned tea in the world. thanks to the greatest person, ever.

i need a haircut. bad.

i don't have much else to say right now... i'm a bit lightheaded and flustered and... whatever else.

i flipped out and got all spastic earlier. i think i'm better now. i watched movies. talked to good beautiful people. things are good.

i feel like i want a change. my little life crises are so funny sometimes. i just sit back and laugh at them after they're done. my mom used to say, "you know, there are kids in Africa that would love to have a meal like that..." and she was so right. silly mom. haha.

Whatever blogger. you think you're so hip and cool and swank but you're not.

Look everyone. I just want to say im sorry for saying I hated you. its just that my girlfriend has been all pressuring me to git married and shit and today she totally dropped this bomb that she was pregnant, and she was freaking and i was freaking and it was all nasty ass dual freak action and i kind of got wiggy and my dog ate my homework and shit.

Not really, i made that all up.

I was going to rant about peanut butter. but i dont really think i have that much to say. except that i love peanut butter. and one time Long made this vietnamesey shit with this peanut sauce with lime and stuff. peanut sauce rocks my world.

I fucking love Nick Cave.

his new CD is coming out in april. i think i'll buy it.

I hate you all except Jacob.

i said to mally, "i don't know what i should post on delerium." and she said, "just post whatever you're thinking, that's what the internet is for."

then i made some comment about how i thought it was for illegal software and porn...

but then i realized that she was mally, and as a result, right.

so it just happens that i was thinking at that very moment how much i really appreciate mally. i appreciate her lots. i'm sure it's not even enough. she's great...

and then i came here and found that post about mal and locke doing mal and locke things. i smiled. i realized how much i appreciate them also. lots.

so, THAT led me to this understanding of my emotional state at the moment. it's happy. really happy.

but... you may say: "happy, i know that feeling..."

but i may not believe you. because, i've been happy before, but i've never felt like this. this is an entirely new emotion to me. the closest thing i can relate it to is happy. but really, it's not like most peoples happy.

so, what does that mean? that can only mean to me that there are countless emotional states that no one has ever been in. the easiest thing i can relate this to is love. most people understand their lack of understanding for love on some level. i certainly do. you know i'm talking about intimate relationship love here, right? whatever...

okay, that's another point. not to go off on a tangent within a tangent, but our collection of words pertaining to emotions is pretty sparse. i can't tell you how many times i filled out my daily "emotional journal" in elementary school (where i had to list an emotion for the day) and drew a blank. i thought i was retarded. but no... i was just a victim to our languages lack of wordage for emotions.

so anyway. there are millions of emotions. probably more. but this pertains not only to emotions, but intellectual states as well. i mean, a lot of primetime television shows have touched on the idea of telepathy and other such things the mind may be capable of. and it's been said a million times that we only use ten percent of our brain... so yeah. it's all been said before. why am i saying it again? you know what i'm talking about, right?

but, i think that people know things... but they don't... pay attention to them. i'm surprised i even recognized that this is a new emotion. i could have just said, "eh, i'm happy" and gone on to eat my macaroni and cheese. but i payed attention. i'm not letting this one slip by. it's trying to tell me something.

mally has been saying that she doesn't know what makes her happy... i can understand that. in truth, i'm not certain what makes me happy. i may have some idea, but there really is no certainty there. but this emotion is saying to me that one thing alone will not make me happy for the rest of my life. it's too random. there are too many factors. i'm sure it's possible for one thing to make me happy, but that would be a one in a million shot.

my brain changes everyday. yesterday i was listening to Sigur Ros. i smiled. today i'm listening to Little Red Rocket. i smile. two completely different sorts of music, each making me smile...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT??

i don't know. go visit matthew. he's back and has beautiful things to show. i love him. goodnight.

tonight me and locke spent some time freaking out. we ran out into the rain screaming. we walked around the perimeter of the playground like 8 times. we barreled around the neighbourhood having an intense conversation in funny voices. we played imaginary baseball in the muddy diamond at a public school.

all pretty typical really.

damn, i'm starting to kind of like that peanut butter cap'n crunch cereal.

mally made a floate front page for me, and it's the most beautiful thing, ever.

death by photo has started. daily photo stuffs. hopefully. it's also part of delerium. that means that *one* of the links at the top work now.

Not that we were speaking of bad food, but I found this box of cap'n crunch on top of the fridge. it has this layer of dust on it that you can swim in. the best before date is like January 2 2000. thats fucked up shit. and stuff. Just thought i'd share.

Someone pointed out that jacob tends to say intense and emo shit, while i tend to rant about stupid meaningless nerdy crap... and she said she finds that to be a good combo. riiiiight. i'll take your word for it.

So: nerdy crap.

We downloaded FLCL episode 6, and today is new comics day! Hoorayyyyyyy!!!!!!! Bourbon chicken!!!!!!

Whatever.

I was talking to mally last night and got some first hand impressions that she's a genius. Muy disturbing. Shes 16 and shit, i think when i was 16 i was still playing marbles and getting scabbies on my knees from falling down all the time for no reason. And eating sand. I certainly wasnt a college student and FORMER poetry zine publisher who traces her artistic development back to pivotal moments when she was TWELVE. when i was 12 i dont think i knew how to talk yet and my hands just sort of waved around in the air trying to grab the mobile above my crib even though it was out of reach because i hadnt developed depth perception yet.

So anyway i'm in awe of this girl. kid. girl. woman. goddess?

I think thats enough insensible babbling for today. I have to prepare for the comics pilgrimage / bourbon chicken now.

i just thought i'd share some really great bands that i've found lately:

1. Azure Ray - great.
2. Little Red Rocket - the girls in Azure Ray were in this great poppy rock band before Azure Ray. jesus.
3. Sigur Ros - beautiful "womb" music from... sweden (?). mal introduced me to this. he said they opened for radiohead in... some other country. or something.
4. Brilliant Green - oh, mal told me about this band a long time ago, but i've been listening to them again. japanese pop rock.

that's it for now. i'm sure cooler, more underground people already knew of all these bands... but what can i say? i'm a poser. POSER OF THE MONTH,YO!

i seem to be in an odd introspective mood at the moment, so i thought i'd write about... something.

i took a walk today. it's very sunny here in southern california. about 75 degrees fahrenheit. it really made me feel good. the air and the sun seemed to make me feel slightly energized. it also may have been the smell of the air. being a few miles away from the ocean, we tend to get a little bit of ocean breeze every once in awhile. if you've never smelled that, i'm sorry. it's one of my favorite things in the world. it's what makes me sit on the beach for hours, just staring at the water.

i haven't done that for awhile. sit on the beach and stare. sometimes i bring my camera, sketchbook or notebook with me (the results of some of the pictures can be seen here under the photography link). sometimes i really need something like that. i need to get out more. i like to write and draw and photograph. i can write and draw while on my computer, but unless i've gotten out, i have nothing to write or draw about.

mal told me that the post that blogger ate had something to do with travel. i like to travel. i wish i went to more places. i'd like to do the crazy things that i think everyone wants to do. like: spend months just traveling around europe.

i've learned that no two places are the same. the people aren't even the same. even in one town there can be a million different cultures. each home is it's own culture. but i want to start big (countries) and work my way down (houses). or maybe that's starting small and getting bigger?

but that's all the point. finding out that someone on the other side of the planet does things completely different than you do. it's not right or wrong. it's just different. there is no right or wrong (thanks locke). just here and there. i've said this before, haven't i?

i repeat myself a lot. only because there is a constant struggle in my head to understand. so points are made, established, torn apart, reestablished and torn apart again. this is all before the thought leaves my head. once it does leave my head, it's looked over, prodded, poked and generally made a mockery of. all by me, of course. my point of view is constantly changed. never the same. i'd have it no other way. i see this as an advantage, but some people do not.

this seems to be a post riddled with random thoughts. i haven't let one of these out in awhile. this is basically the equivalent of the one line sketch. this is me putting my pencil to the page, looking away at my subject, and drawing for 5 minutes without lifting the lead from the paper. or, i guess there may be some sort of writing equivalent that people do, but i forget.

so... i bought this plush/plastic doll. it's Bumbles the abominable snowman from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. he watches over me as i type.

speaking of getting out, i may just take the train down to the beach tommorow and get lost.

before i go, i'll leave you with a list of current projects (as i seem to do on occasion):

- Winter in Spades. this is coming along rather nicely. surprisingly. i'm actually somewhat motivated to do this thing. the script is in process, and character studies have already been started. character sketches have also been done. i'm going all out on this one, just to see where it gets me.
- two songs in the works. well, three, sort of. one joint song that will be worked on whenever anyone has the time.
- looking for work.
- a new section called "death_by_photo" will be up soon. it'll be random photography. i'd like to post daily photography, just to make sure i don't neglect taking pictures.

i go now.

i watched some FuriKuri (FLCL) today... its that new (current) anime by gainax that only the really cool anime nerds know about. i've seen all of them except 4... (out of 5 episodes so far). i think episode 3 is my favorite. basically the plot of the series is: there's this kid, and some girl drives up on a scooter and hits him with a bass guitar. then he starts growing weird horns out of his head. after a while, the horns pop out into robots. in the first episode, two robots pop out of his head, fighting each other. later one of those robots (Canti) starts living at his house, and when other robots pop out of his head, Canti eats the kid and they combine into this red mecha and beat up the other robots.

BUT SERIOUSLY, you can't really understand this show from any sort of synopsis. it gets more insane progressively. locke says episode 2 is at his perfect insanity level (it's kind of a semi-serious episode), but my favorite is 3, which has the kid growing cat ears, then the cat ears pop out of this girl for no reason and a big robot comes out of her head (but she's still dangling from its ass) and there's this huge fight at the school. it's beautiful and demented.

the other side of my nerd factor is the constant playing of FF9... i'm on disc 3 now. i gotta say, FF9 is more consistently interesting than FF8, not to mention that it makes me nostalgic for the old, pre-FF6 ones...

on a non-nerdy note, i went by the King Crab again today, and it was filled beyond capacity. there were people waiting to get in. then i noticed that it was the same at every other asian restaurant in the area. do all asian people go out for dinner on saturdays, or what? i've never seen this shit. it was crazy. and shit.

i watched City of Lost Children today. i also payed rent.

it seems as though...

i have nothing to follow that.

i searched for a job today. well, i search for a job EVERY day, but today was particularly noteworthy. not because anything happened, just because i worked really hard...

i want a good job. not some lame job. i want a job that feels like i'm changing something. for the better. i'll work extra hard if you give me a job like that. but most people won't. most employers just want everything to stay the same. they want everything to be just like everything else. i'm not even talking about visual design here. i'm talking about progress.

damnit.

i'm too tired to elaborate. just give me a job that MEANS something. please.

i found some mustard in the fridge. i squirted some onto my sandwich. it came out as this thick brownish sludge. i checked the bottle... best before august 17 2000. i didnt even know mustard went bad. this shit had to be like 2 years old or something.

i'm playing paper mario. it's funny, and fun. it makes me smile. i kind of wish they'd made a real mario game, though. i miss mario 3 and mario world.

also playing final fantasy 9. i'm on disc 2. it seems cool, but i'm worried about the fact that my main team is at like level 15, and the other team with Garnet is at like level 6... yeah. and shit.

i tried posting something the other day, but like, it got jacked. for no reason. i clicked publish and everything, then it just disappeared... forever.

so anyway, i'm sad about that.

the other day, we went to this plaza. we had to cross a freeway and go over a bridge and then under another bridge where they were doing construction. supposedly our walking through there was illegal, but we made it. anyway, the plaza had like, a Borders, a Best Buy, a Wal-Mart, a PetSmart, a Taco Bell, a Michaels arts and crafts store, and like 10 other brand name things.

That seems to be the way things are nowadays, or at least here. everything is a name, and everyone wants it that way. the monoculture world is totally embraced. last night i was out walking, and there's this little chinese restaurant in a plaza called King Crab. its about 100 feet from a Burger King. the King Crab was totally empty when I walked by the first time and when I walked back again later, and the burger king was hoppin' the entire time. the waiter / maitre d' dude in the king crab was all spiffed out in his bow tie and stuff, and he was just standing around all night.

that shit is a bummer, man... a fucking bummer!!!!!!!

and shit.

i was thinking of posting something that would make all your lives MUCH better... but instead, i thought i'd just let you know that MALLY misspelled "naive" (as "naieve") tonight in an AIM conversation! and we all thought she was PERFECT...

jeez.

i've been sitting here typing for an hour now. i've deleted so much, because i realize that it's all whining. i hate that.

so, let me just tell you why you should like me. but instead of telling you all the things i AM, i'm going to tell you all the things i'm NOT.

and so i said:

- i'm not brilliant
- i'm not deep
- i'm not beautiful
- i'm not smarter than you
- i haven't got anything figured out
- i'm wrong. constantly.
- i'm not more mature than you
- i wasn't born with any "abilities"
- i'm not well read
- there is no basis for comparison
- i don't cut my hair regularly
- i'm not cultured
- i don't like coffee
- i don't feel insane
- analyzation is a vice

i'm sure there are more. these are normal defects... i guess. the same ones you have, probably. so it's not whining. it's a celebration of humanity. recognize, if you would.

this is mostly spurred on by getting fan mails. fan mails frighten me. fan mails are the beginning of disappointment. that's why i'm telling you here. more like warning you. don't be surprised when i unintentionally let you down. please.

i was going to talk about something really deep tonight, but i just became really stupid... just right now...

sorry...

i'm back. i did stuff today. i ate... a few times. that was after i woke up. then i went to the bathroom... for a shower and other 'duties'. i saw 15 minutes... which was kind of lame... unless it was a blatant parody. then it would be genius. but the line is thin. there was inevitable music inbetween all of that, OBVIOUSLY. i heard mallys passionate voice today, which was super neato.

oh, last week. well, last week was entirely too great. mal, locke, shino and i went to see bright eyes and company (azure ray *orgasm*). but i already mentioned that.

i'm still a little dazed from the whole experience. which is good. it threw off my balance. which i'm totally into.

i'm starting a comic. really. no, seriously. i'm writing character studies. and a script... which has already been started. the story is more cinematic than comicy... but i'm going to try it anyway.

note: this message is intentionally bland.

i figure, i can't put pure elation into words, so i'll just say: !!!!!!!!

that was last week... more or less.

the floate front page is new. it's dreadful.

and you can download this music (3.4 mb) just because. it's a pseudo-symphonic thing i did way back when i first got my keyboard... there are none of those pesky WORDS in the song, so don't expect it. it's just a kooky instrumental...

flap.

i got back home tonight. it's strange. i wanna talk about all the cool things i did with locke and mal over the past week... but i'm tired and have already done one stupid thing tonight... so maybe tomorrow.

life is pretty cool.

i have a confession to make: i went to the bright eyes concert with jacob. ahahahahahha!

that's all for now.

so far this has been a great week (i'm not home). i came up to visit my friends on thursday, and we've been having a jolly old time since then. yo.

on friday i went to a great concert. it was like four bands. the first and last bands (Track Star and... i forget.... mark or mike something) were alright, but the middle two were completely amazing. starting with Azure Ray. this is a band i've never heard of, and they were fucking amazing. it was mellow and soulful and... great. the band was comprised of two girls on vocals and guitars, a guy on guitars, and another guy on bass and a drum machine. conor oberst from bright eyes filled in on keyboards every once in awhile, but all the songs were amazing, so it didn't matter.

and then bright eyes. conor was pretty angry at the crowd because they sucked. i'm not sure what they were there for but it didn't seem like it was to listen to music. despite that, bright eyes was good. they had new songs. it was obviously great and there really is no reason to go on and on about how it ripped out my soul. basically the bright eyes band was a reconfiguration of Azure Ray. one of the girls just decided to blow us all away by playing EVERY instrument on the stage. not only that, she played bass while SMOKING. i mean, i'm not into smoking... but that was fucking cool. you just can't deny it...

... crazy Athens chicks. they're great.

at the end of the night i wanted to pick up the collection of songs cd and the Azure Ray cd... but they were all out of EVERYTHING by that time. i decided that i needed a cd and got desperate for NO reason. after that i infiltrated any area that said "staff only" in the hopes that maybe i'd run into one of the band members or something and they'd "hook me up." in the end, i just ended up getting lost and finding the back exit. it sucked. i sooo struck out. i think i was mostly desperate because i REALLY wanted that Azure Ray cd to listen to on my LONG train ride home on thursday...

i found a rose sitting on one of the tables in a water bottle... and totally snagged it... for some reason.

so, for the rest of the week, we've been having a pretty good time. taking long walks in the middle of the night. raiding Albertsons. riding RAZOR fucking scooters (?). creating comics and flash animations and laughing and ridiculous in jokes...

oh yea. i'm here with like... my best friends ever. later we're planning on climbing up a nearby hill and then going to an open mic or some junk. i dunno. this is great though.

yea... and i am OLD. i'm an OLD MAN. but i'd still steal a volvo and drive away with mally...

also, i forgive adam for his post thing. he made that really cool POKEYesque pep boys thing for fusion... that's just great. it warrants total forgiveness.

i'm a big fan of coffee in the morning, sunshine and pretty girls.

i have no idea where mally came from, but she's like the perfect girl. i don't know whether to find that charming or disturbing. she wrote about the kind of guy she wants, and that guy is jacob. or me. but me and jacob are the same. and jacob always gets my vote for everything. wait, what was i talking about? i'm confused.

i think in a perfect world, jacob and mally would live next door to each other and they'd be making each other happy full-time.

today, i went to an open mic show again. i expected to be there for hours, but i was called up to play first. i played "on a roof." the song. i didn't play on top of a roof. go here and you can hear the song i played. boyee.

i also watched Brazil again tonight. i love that movie. love it.

so, tommorow, i'm embarking on a perilous journey. don't wish death on me, because i'll kick your ass.

i won't be back for a week. no crying. i'll be major good good happy for the week. while i'm gone, visit the coolest girl i know... but don't visit her too much. we don't want her site to go away.

and bri SO has a website, finally. i've been going to bri's EMPTY webpage for like a year now, and NOTHING. now she finally has art up. it's so cool. it makes me think "indie". she rocks.