first thing we'd climb a tree
and maybe then we'd talk
or sit silently
and listen to our thoughts

with illusions of someday
casting a golden light
no dress rehearsal
this is our life

and that's where the hornet stung me
and i had a feverish dream
with revenge and doubt
tonight we smoke them out
you are ahead by a century
but this is our life

stare in the morning shroud
and then the day began
i tilted your cloud
you tilted my hand

rain falls in real time
rain fell through the night
no dress rehearsal
this is our life

but that's when the hornet stung me
and I had a serious dream
with revenge and doubt
tonight we smoke them out

you are ahead by a century
but this is our life
and disappointing you's getting me down.

(the tragically hip)

now i'm aching for you
now i'm aching for you
now i'm aching for you
now i'm aching for you
now i'm aching for you
now i'm aching for you
now i'm aching for you
now i'm aching for you

I have no reason to post.

I updated ping again because I got my hair cut.

I also got some Sunny D, because it was cheap. Did you know that Sunny D is 2% juice? What, I asked, is the rest? Well, God answered, the rest is water and corn syrup, basically. Oh, I said. Is that why it tastes like corn syrup flavored water?

I saw Atlantis today. I don't know why people DELIGHT in pointing out that it's sooooo very similar to Nadia, which is a Japanese cartoon by Gainax from 1989. Anyway, Atlantis was far less than stellar on the story front, but the visuals were quite entrancing most of the time. It's just a shame that they were servicing such a bland and unremarkable plot. The only saving grace of the plot is the moral of the story, which is "giant robots save the day". I also couldn't help but remark that the character of Kida, and her facial expressions, are ripped off from Jeff Smith's Bone. But she was wearing Nadia's costume. In a sentence: it was pretty, but almost painfully mundane storywise. Worth seeing for the rendering, and a few of the character designs.

so, here we go. In the mid-nineteenth century there was a boy of intense knowledge. It sounds ridiculous to call a boy 'intense knowledge' but, this is the best way to describe him. He wasn't anything special, besides the fact that he was pure knowledge. Despite this pure knowledge, he was an increasingly dull and idiotic man. Wisdom caught the fairy home many years ago, leaving him to tremble on the shore. ha. Silly boy. The boy loved though. Which was ridiculous. He had nothing to love, yet he insisted that he loved. Even the vagrants would throw their pity at him and he would scream, "but, I love!" and he did. He did with all his heart. As much as a heart is a throbbing mess of blood and tissue, and is in no way something that you would want to see all of anyway... but he did it with all of it. And then he died. Not badly. He died because of that very same heart, when it refused to work for him... he was 90. Don't cry. He was happy... or maybe he was sad... he had a... life.... which could only be compared to his own... he loved... and he was satisfied that he loved nothing at all. He had no basis for happiness. Happiness was a fairy tale that his mother told him a very long time ago... some vague notion of a feeling or a life or anything. Nothing, really. Only what he had the pleasure for it to be. It didn't exist but in his head. He was stupid in what he had fooled himself into believing... which turned out to be nothing at all. His entire life was a delusion of his entire creation. He walked because they said he could walk. He talked because they said he could talk. He was everything of a boy wrapped up in the universe (a universe created for us long ago). he had no intentions to destroy it, just to live in it. He added pages. He wasn't modern, modern was him. Modern is the grain of sand 6 million years ago. It's fucked up, I know, but, it's still here. The only way to lose it is to kill everything... or possibly create everything? finally? that's a happy thought. But, what is a happy thought? is it actually nothing at all? are we tampering here with a force far greater than we can imagine? obviously not, or we would not be able to imagine it... but, what is happening? should we build? are we destroying? maybe destruction is a means to a new creation... or maybe it's just destruction. But, we have our own happiness -- our own fairy tale. And is that bad? is there more? should we find out? is this only the surface? is this ridiculous? if this idiot of a brain can't find out, who are we to leave it to? the ones who will understand? the ones who are interested? well, let me tell you; their interests are eclectic. This IS chaos. In so much order as we can stand, this is chaos. So, the boy is just a spark of whatever imagination I have left. Have I created a new boy? or have I destroyed the memory that I have ingrained in yours? it's all quite obvious that I'm rambling and have no such basis for anything, but, isn't that just the way?

I drew this, and i won't say why.

I also updated ping for some reason. Digital camera hey-ho away we go.

umm... so, anyway... I thought I was going to photograph a wedding with my mom today, which would have been great, because I was planning on taking my own camera and taking super trendy photos (as opposed to super cheesy photos) to make a statement about... something. The social conformity brought on by frightened youth in a small town, who cling deperately to anything with a semblance of a 'normal' life... or some junk... Really, I think I just wanted to take trendy jacob style photos of a wedding. just because.

But, it turned out my mom was really going to a graduation... which I didn't know until we were on the road. Drat, foiled again. I wasn't too keen on making a high school graduation look cool because... I just wasn't. But, I figured I might as well get some photos... which I totally would have, had I remembered my compact flash card (digital film, yo)... I did happen to remember my Faulkner book and my sketch book... so, everything was A-OK. I sat and read for awhile while some of the kids gave their speeches... I thought it was funny that I've been to about 15 graduations, but none of them were mine... and I was sort of happy that I didn't have to go through with it... Graduating early is fun. woohoo.

So, anyway... Nothing spectacular happened. A little boy walked up to me, out of nowhere, and asked me if I went to the school. Upon saying 'No' he sat down next to me and said, "You talk different..." so, I asked him who it was that I talked different from... and he said, "The other guys," and walked off. This was totally normal... it happens to me everywhere I go... not the kids telling me I talk different part, but that kids always come up to me and start conversations out of nowhere. I figure it's because I look dorky enough not to intimidate them. I really am dorky... I mean... really. I joke about it a lot... but, really, I am. I think maybe I accidently dress trendy sometimes, but really I have a big dorky personality, with a disposition to say dorky stupid things. Yeah.

The evening ended wonderfully with 5 haikus about budweiser on the classic rock station that doesn't really play classic rock. or something...

i know most people don't download my songs, but i just recorded a couple that i sort of think are okay. so... here:

a smoking jacket for liz (lyrics)(6 MB)

killer cars (radiohead cover) (1.9 MB)

so, like... yeah... and, i think mal is getting/has a mic now... so, hopefully we'll get to hear stuff from him.

I'm not depressed anymore.

And i feel like making comics again.

That was quick.

my mood waxes and wanes. currently it is waning. if i was in charge, i would have deleted delerium today.

i am full of hate and resentment, for no-one in particular. but i definitely am full.

thought: i no longer have any interest in making comics or pursuing this vague notion of a comic-making lifestyle.

(that may change. i am flighty.)

i wrote another song. here it is:

"not a song for anyone"
i don't have the guts
to tell you i need you so
i don't have the strength to go on
i don't have the courage
to tell you i miss you
like anything
i don't have the heart
to tell you i've already let you go
life and love
are not at all
the glamorous game
you see on the screen
you and her
should just move on
it was a stupid idea anyway
you can read poetry
until your eyes are red
but you won't know anything
until you get this through your head
you're an idiot
you're an idiot
i'm sorry but it's true
you're an idiot
and she'll never love you

I got this email today and it ended in a cliffhanger. It wanted me to pay lots of money to find out what the secret to being sexually irresistible is... It was so dumb... like, I don't even care what the secret to being sexually irresistible is... jesus.

anyway, on a completely unrelated topic; someone finish this sentence for me. please.

"the secret to being sexually irresistible is ______________."

This is the best television commercial ever. Just so you know. It's for Super Mario Advance. I love it. As for the game: I prefer the original NES version. Which I probably own. I forget.

Life advance: Speaking of forgetting, here is what my life is basically like nowadays. If I do or think anything, I post about it on Delerium, then immediately forget about it forever.

It's amazing the sheer level of bullshit available on television. Is it even possible for people to stomach all this bullshit and continue watching? The two examples I will put forth today are "The Weakest Link" and "Fear Factor", both of which hold the basic premise: "How much abuse will people take for ludicrous amounts of money?" And the premise of the show doesn't bother me THAT much, since we live in a voyeuristic fucked up orwellian nightmare society anyway, but it's the HYPE that bothers me. "THE NEWEST PHENOMENON THAT'S SWEEPING AMERICA!" Can people listen to that line and swallow it? Seriously? Why do these "reality" shows have well-synched emotionally shattering epic scores? It's cheap and tawdry! Look how cheap it is! It made me use the word TAWDRY!

So far on the soap opera show my mom is watching; the voodoo lady's daughter put a curse on a girl, but her mother says she may be a man(?)!; some guy died by a crow bar to the head or something... all I can really tell is that a lot of people are sort of mildly upset about it, but not really; any of the men below 40 years old have a 5 o'clock shadow... ALL THE TIME; old people are yelling at each other; they always cut to a commercial before any information is actually given; and i'm pretty sure everyone hates each other.

In other news; my mom bought this garlic cheddar bread and, so far, the only thing it's good for is completely falling apart when I attempt to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

I told someone my favorite Japanese artist was Range Murata, and he was surprised, because I don't draw like Range Murata.

WHY WOULD I DRAW LIKE MY FAVORITE JAPANESE ARTIST? In fact, HOW COULD I? I can't draw at all. I am offended at the very idea. Not to mention anything about finding your own style and not COPYING your heroes.

Right now I miss my Everclear cd(s). I should download a bunch of those songs and burn a cd. I think the main thing I like about Everclear is the way he writes lines. Some of them are so great. So meaningless and yet so great sounding.

i dont wanna die with you
or live in the same dark room
i dont wanna see your bloodshot eyes no more no more
i just wanna take this girl
all curls and big brown eyes

living isnt a simple thing
i know
no one said it's supposed to be
i know
living isn't a simple thing
for me
i know ways to make it easier

its hard on a girl
when you try to walk around on the shaky ground

and my personal favorite:

Swimming in the heavy water
buried in sand
Happy hearts fall from my stupid hands
I can't hide my sexual life

I didn't do ANYTHING today. No wait. I did THIS. Long changed it after, a little. It'll be in Previews in July. GREAT. u_u

I AM SICK AGAIN
JUST PLAIN SICK TO DEATH
OF THE SOUND OF MY OWN VOICE

I had a salmon sandwich today on my expensive bread. Toasted bread. Buttermilk bread. Orowheat or something. It cost lots of money. It is extremely tasty. It was the best salmon sandwich I've ever had. I get bumblebee pink salmon with the bones and everything. The bones are my favorite part, especially the little spine ones. My mom always told me they were the best part. I used to think they were gross and she was wrong but strangely enough, now I feel the exact same as her. The sandwich also had real mayonaise from trader joe's. I've never been to trader joe's, but Long gets stuff there. For those who don't know, I am staying in a house with Long, Locke, Charles Park, Saka, and Derek. Jacob, whom you know, is currently moving back to his mom's house. He's coming here on the 20th. Oh and the sandwich also had cheese singles on it. It was, like I said, the best salmon sandwich I've ever had. The bread is extremely valuable. And toasting it makes it even better.

I redesigned my stupid fucking webpage yesterday, if you fucking care, and I put the lyrics to a new fucking song up.

I'm up early. I'm doing the moving thing today. My mom will be here soon and she will say, "Why aren't these things in boxes? ORGANIZIZE!"

So, I'll be unhooking my computer for awhile. I'll be losing my dsl connection indefinitely. I'll have to use a 56k connection for awhile -- which will still allow me to make fun of mally, as i'm sure it's still a million times faster than her current connection. haha.

Okay, time for a quick shower and then I will MOVEATIZIZE! or something.

Check it out. Carla from Plumtree talks about how her new band is coming along, for the first time...

"The band has almost settled on a name (Bontempi) and a title for the album (Fake Bad). We've been practicing a lot and have about twelve to fifteen songs. In a couple weeks, we will lay down some demo tracks with Stephen Kelly. The music ranges from slow and introspective to slow and nonsensical. It's stripped-down and moody and I do lots of the picky guitar stuff that I like so much. Lots of 3-part harmonies (we're a 3-piece). We are hugely influenced by Yo La Tengo and the Kinks at the moment. What else can I say? My mom gave us the thumbs up after our last practice."

Bontempi is almost like Canti... which if you don't know, is the name that me and Jacob are currently thinking of using for our band. Anyway... the wonderful thought of Carla and Lynette doing slow introspective Yo La Tengo style music goes well with my expensive toast today.

Whenever I read a book and the author describes some human idiosyncrasy (ie yawning with your mouth closed to seem like you're not yawning, causing your nostrils to flare), I have a habit of mimicking whatever is described. Like, i'll think, "yeah, i've done that..." and then I do it, like I don't believe myself, so I figure I should show myself that I do indeed actually do it.

The point i'm trying to make is that most people have nostrils. OBVIOUSLY.

I'm really liking the song "Bigmouth Strikes Again" off of The Smiths, The Queen Is Dead. I think it's mostly because they jack up the pitch of morrisseys voice for the chorus... and it just sounds so cool -- which is extra cool because it would sound ridiculous done by any other band. For the first few listens I kept thinking he was singing "SWEETNESS" which seemed really cool... but, then I realized that it sounded more like "BIGMOUTH" and the whole thing suddenly made sense. I also like "Cemetary Gates" because he talks about some literary people that I don't really know too much of, and also about writing things that you believe in... sort of. basically. I also like "I Know It's Over" a lot, and if I'd been listening to this song just a year ago, I'd be lying in my bed with covers over my face for days, the song on repeat, all the while crying into my care bear. But, to counter that, I can listen to "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" and smile while thinking of things to come. and stuff.

... and I like how it took me awhile to figure out that morrissey was morrissey from morrissey. I'm a bright one, I am.

Exciting Announcement #1: Long got a toaster!

Exciting Announcement #2: When I found out Long got a toaster, I crapped my pants.

All of you mal posers out there should know that from now on, I will be eating toast for every meal (and so will you). Toast rules. I only had toast one time since February 25th, and that was crappy Denny's toast. Now I have my own personal toasting device which belongs to Long. I love toast. My mom got a toaster oven shortly before I came down here, and I enjoyed it thoroughly, toasting most anything that would bear toasting. Now of course a regular toaster is not quite as excellent as a toaster oven, because the regular kind gets upset when you melt cheese into its insides. But it will do quite nicely for a person who has been deprived of toast for the past three months.

Interesting Side Note #1: Toast goes with orange juice! I need more orange juice!

Interesting Side Note #2: I like how no one comments on anything. I continue to believe that nobody reads this site except for Brandon Kish and Sourthyme and Jacob. And maybe Adam sometimes. And Hikaru. WHO ARE YOU, HIKARU? REALLY?

it's hot and i'm almost done packing and my neck is in a lot of pain for some reason and i'm eating a subway sandwich and it's still really really hot and boring and lonely.

I'm in love!!!!!!!



... I'm not really, I just wanted to spice things up and make everyone jealous.

Also I couldn't think of anything better to post.

And Jacob hasn't posted in days. Everyone whine, and maybe he'll come back.

Oops, I dont have anything to say. I bought radiohead and sigur ros today. I am obviously a poser. *dur*

Oh yeah... i updated my comic earlier... finally. I plugged it everywhere else, so you probably knew by now.

Some personal notes on the comic: Hope is used to always getting what she wants, and Sandra is used to never getting what she wants (not that she likes it). They both want everything, though, since they're upper-middle class white chicks from california. I think that basic dichotomy is what's in the back of my mind as I write these girls. Hadn't really put it in words until now.

I posted this on poodles (secret forum), but figured that it might amuse some of you weirdos too. They're the top search keywords from the thrilled stats...

1. trepanation
2. thrilled to be here
3. penis experiments
4. alien drugged
5. flipside online comic
6. delicious asses tasteful tasteful
7. www.jean and wolverine fucking.com
8. fuck koreans
9. en fox kids dan escaflowne
10. giant runts

On the subject of Poodles: it was a forum that I started in 1999 after Josh Lesnick shut down his old "Doki" forum because he was disgusted with it. After a while, the crowd there sorta stabilized, and we started getting really cranky when new people came in, so we changed URLs and became secret. Then I got disgusted with the forum one day and deleted it. Then Nied (who deleted his webpage, again) re-started it as "Poodulls". Then he got disgusted with it one day. Then Lewis restarted it as Poo Dolls, then kept changing its name like every month and eventually started calling it Poodles again. And miraculously enough, basically the same people have gone there the entire time, through different owners and URLs and titles. Including Josh Lesnick and Nied and me.

But anyway, I can't tell you the URL because it's secret.

I just went and got my haircut at this place around the corner. I only got a haircut there once before and that was a long while ago. I totally forgot why I hadn't gone back until today. Like... I think this lady would have liked it better if I just took off my scalp, left it for her to work with and came back for it later. She was evil. She had some personal vendetta against my head... she took strands in between her fingers and was just like, "whatever," as she sliced some off. Then she would gouge out another piece of my skull with her comb. I don't even think there was any ORDER to how she was cutting my hair. It was like she was just copying what she saw some other hairstylist do one time. SO SENSELESS. I think she cut off a piece of my soul. She was doing things to me... things that hairstylists... don't DO.

anyway... I think she just decided to finish it at one point because she wanted to go home or something... I'm not sure... it's hard to tell if it's even... oh well.

jacob spent too much money on virgins today... or something... check his post (below) for the details.

i, on the other hand, saw moulin rouge. it was good. i declare four stars. go see it. i feel too tired to talk about it, but here's my thoughts: it builds a world from scratch, and uses that world to stage a really simplistic love story, using a curious technique. this technique is like the film equivalent to a mix tape, using someone else's words and music to express the emotion of the story. the songs sung by the characters and screaming through the movie are mostly pop songs, with a few classical musical numbers thrown in for good measure. you get big band versions of 80s pop songs, and you get techno versions of traditional musical-style numbers. all this in a completely home-brewed, stylized, insane and delightful Paris circa 1900. and everything was built on soundstages in australia. The film makes no bones about being fabricated. it's operatic and grand. the sets are extravagant. the editing is ridiculous. this movie LOVES BEING A MOVIE!

so you should see it.

I went to virgin today and spent way too much money on CD's. Here's what I got:

Stereophonics just enough education to perform: I completely love the title of this album. It's so great. I listened to this CD in the store and decided to buy it. I decided to buy it because it has one of the best intros ever. I don't even know why it's the best. It just makes me want to jump up and down all over the couches... It's too bad the rest of that first song isn't that great. I was DECEIVED! err... well... i wasn't really in the mood for this type of music -- except for the intro -- so, maybe i'll have to listen to it again later...

The Smiths the queen is dead: I got this because mal and I were talking about how cool the smiths were yesterday... and they are. woo woo. Aside from the fact that they have some of the best song titles ever (ie Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others) all the music is classic and good and you know you fucking like it so go get it now or i will paint your dog red and stuff!

Nick Drake pink moon: Apparently, the song Pink Moon is on some volkswagon commercial... well... i've never seen that commercial, but I've just found out that Nick Drake fucking rocks many and a half casbahs. By rock I don't mean that his music makes you jump around, I mean that he's absolutely great. Actually, this album is incredibly mellow. But it's mellow in a catchy way... but not too catchy. err... I love this fucking album! Yes.

Sade lovers rock: Me and mal were talking about this yesterday also. I pretty much already have all the mp3's and I listen to them enough, so I figured I'd buy it. And so I did.

i woke up in a catholic church this morning... i mean... it's weird enough to wake up in any church -- i don't intentionally fall asleep in churches -- but, what was particularly odd was that i was wearing the lower half of what i can only assume was a chicken outfit... like one of the outfits used by mascots at baseball/football games...

perhaps the most frightening part is that i fell asleep in my own bed last night. totally sober... i DID have a dream about a cat chasing me through a baseball field (it was a big cat) but, i don't remember stopping to put on the lower half of a chicken outfit. i mean... what the fuck? i can get over the fact that i ended up in a church with no memory of how i got there, but... why was i only wearing the lower half of a chicken outfit? if i'm gonna wear the lower half, i want the upper half also... i need to cover my face at least. not that i'm embarrassed... it's just, when you wear a chicken outfit, you better wear the fucking chicken outfit...

anyway... i just ate some raisin bran... and finished a song... and... walked... and sat a little... so... i think i'll just hit the post button now...

this diary-style post about my day will be written in Olde Style Englishe (ie terrible english), for no particular reason. Oh no wait, the reason is Science. This is an Experiment.

~ Aye waked past Noone. Derek didst begin the day by offoring a bounty of Sushi, free for the takeing. 'Twas goodly. From thence went I to the computator, where spent I the daye in the download of MP3. Spake I to Jacob son of Fergus for much of the day, being it that we bothe art layabouts. Later, in the Evening, was I roused from mine meaningless IRC existanse. 'Twas Derek againe, who wished me to accompany him on a Journey to the House of the Son of Carl. There hadst we Burgers, and the Onion Rings wert Terrible. Frome there came I back to Here, where now I sit, inscribeing the Record of my daye. ~

dur.