anyway...

i wish i was a great pop song... (mp3, 2 mb)

so... in two days i'll be homeless. i'm being kicked out of the place i live and i have nowhere to go... and if i did have a place to go, i wouldn't be able to afford it... i have about $200 to my name and about $400 in bills that need to be paid...

and it's all sort of - unwittingly - my fault. somehow i've managed to lose the trust of most of the people that have trusted me. and i'm afraid i've lost the love of the person i love more than anything...

it's all sort of been a domino effect. i feel useless. and that makes me distant... and it makes me confused... and it makes me do stupid things. and people see these stupid things... and they all look very careless. and people know people... and suddenly i'm careless to everyone. and i can't stop it. i can't redeem myself.

it's amazingly hard to express what i'm thinking when i don't even know what i'm thinking.

i'm caught in this tangled mess and i don't even know the first thing to do to get myself out of it. and the fact that i've always gotten out of these messes before just makes this one worse... because i don't know if there is a way out.

i'm such a different person than i was a year ago... i feel like i'm getting worse. i'm becoming a terrible person... all because i don't know what to do with my life.

i feel terrible that my life is being imposed on the people i love. i feel terrible that mally has been buying me food for the past few months. i don't want that. i don't want her to have to feel like she has to do that. i want mally to be happy and just realize that all i want her for is her. for her company and her love. she can keep all her money. i just want her.

i fucked up. i realize that... i just don't know how i fucked up. and that's killing me.

i'm back in MA. we visited canadian mal on our way back from our ludicrously long stay in michigan. need to redesign everything. for whatever reason.