i woke up this morning to the sound of a seemingly omnipresent siren. one doesn't usually know what to do when one hears such a thing, so one sits halfway up in bed with a confounded looks upon ones face, intermittently peeking through the blinds as though maybe one will find that it's only the tree outside the window making such a noise.

but, no... i guess trees don't make such a noise.

the sound wasn't unlike an air raid siren. i've only heard air raid sirens in places such as steven speilberg films, but one has to place a reference somewhere. so, naturally, the first thing i think is that we will soon be bombed... or gassed... or some other wartime activity.

but, then my logic engine starts to kick in and i realize that if it were indeed such an emergency, my door would burst open with screams of urgency, begging me to wake and get dressed so that we may soon flee.

so... i waited for that...

it never came...

what did come, however, was an ominous silence. my body was horizontal, still, but i was awake - wide eyed with a new found interest in hearing people and making sure they were calm and not worried about being melted in a flash of light. but i didn't hear a thing. the house was empty.

so, at that moment, i decided that if there were some sort of artillery headed this way, the phone would suddenly start ringing off the hook - commanding me to grab only what i can carry and leave the city by any means necessary... or, if that option was unavailable, to at least take cover.

no telephone ever rang,

so, after a considerable amount of time spent waiting, i decided it was okay. luckily, there was no need to find my way back to comfortable position (i am very adept at 'resting' or being 'comfortable' even in tense situations... not that i was tense. far from it.) and i closed my eyes to sleep for a little while longer... and this story just became blog filler.

mal: hey... like... there is only one day... and it is today, the day of nine dogs.
mal: tell everyone.
jacob: okay... i just told everyone...
mal: ok... phew.
mal: i hope 'everyone' in this case is more than like... a cat.
jacob: no...
jacob: they don't have a cat...
jacob: but... there is this bunny puppet on the desk here...
mal: did you tell the bunny puppet?
jacob: yes, of course...
mal: that's why you're a good man...

i've sort of noticed how there has been a lack of noticing with me lately. meaning that i've been less cognitive of my own state and my own appreciation for the things that happen in the world. the things that happen in my surrounding area. the things that happen.

it's been so long since i've walked down a desolate street (oversaturated with consumerism just hours before) noticing things. like the clean air... and the street sweeps... and how quiet it all is and how free i feel. it's been awhile since i've laid on the grass in a large city, looking at the city, making up stories about random buildings by the sea with a beautiful girl in my lap. it's been awhile since i've walked aimlessley with said girl.

it's been awhile since i've just not cared about the most important things in life, like a job and security and a house and a car and making something of my life. since i would stay up nights wondering if i should take a walk around the block with a camera in my hand... or since i've done the rounds and laid on top of buildings every night, not because we had to, but because i had great friends.

i'm tired of worrying about my future... and i'm trying to refuse to. because if i don't stop worrying about it now, i'll be 40 and the only thing i'll have to remember is when i was 22 and couldn't stop thinking about when i'd be 40.

i don't want all of these things i've had back, but i want them to continue. and i still have the means to. i still have the same beautiful girlfriend. i still have the same great friends... the only thing that has changed is the scenery and a few months of worry. i think i was worried about where i was... where everyone else was... because they seemed so far away... and maybe they are... and maybe i miss them all. mally and mal and josh... i miss the whole XD crew... i miss random run-ins with PMBQ in downtown LA. i miss walking around japantown, tired as i was, and running into justin. i miss playing tag in the Gap.

but, like i said... these people aren't gone. they're just in a different place. i need to take some initiative. because these people are important. these people are more important than anything i could do. anything i could create. because if i've ever tried to do anything more, tried to make anything that would reach anyone, it's all fucking pointless if i can't reach the people who are close to me, if i don't hold the people that love me close... because they're the things that will keep me going. they're the things that matter most.

and that's my problem. i've been so worried about myself. i've been so worried about what i'll do, what i'll accomplish, that i haven't taken time to stop and notice everything around me. and noticing everything around me is a SHARED experience. and i should share it. it doesn't matter if someone doesn't understand. i shouldn't even care if they understand. i should just be happy to share what i've seen with the people that i love. fuck complications. fuck stress. and fuck that goddamn need to be an efficient member of society. being efficient is depression.

so, i'll stop worrying about it, go outside, look at something beautiful and love it... and i'll go and tell all those people.

pika-chu.

albums that i've stolen songs from and liked enough to steal the entire albums:

beulah: when your heartstrings break
b'ehl: bright eyes
now it's overhead: s/t

in other news, the wind is blowing bubbles in the red light district of my childhood.

right now i'm in ann arbor. i just saw part of a film festival. it was pretty cool. there was a stop motion animation about death becoming a sheep. and like... pirates. pirates are always great because all they have to say is "ARRR" and it's like... always funny. it really made me want to start doing films (not the pirates, but the film festival). i've always kind of wanted to do it, but now i sort of realize that i would really like to do it. i should get a DV camera... or something...

right before that me and meghan walked around borders for awhile. we found this book called The Black Book (Diary of a Teenage Stud) and after much deliberation, decided to get it. actually there are two volumes and we got the second... for whatever reason. it seems to be about a boy named jonah and how much of a stud he is. it's like... the new great american novel... only, not a novel... or even great.

i also found a SPIN magazine inexpicably lying on the floor of the mens restroom. i'm sure it wasn't the most sanitary thing to do, but i totally took it. i've had a long standing hatred for SPIN, so i'm not really sure why i did. but this issue has an Emo Fashion Report and a listing of the 40 "bands that matter," so it's good for a laugh...

this song isn't new, but it's new to you. i wrote it about 2.5 years ago.

now to go apply for more jobs that will reject me.

jacob: okay... i performed an emergency procedure on the camera... it's not pretty... but it works... kind of: http://floate.com/fuckedpants.jpg
jacob: wow... this camera takes the worst pictures in the history of pictures...
alice: mally says, matter of factly: "they look like girls pants"
jacob: dude... you... it... but...
jacob: SO I HAVE A GIRLISH FIGURE
jacob: SO DO YOU
alice: BUT IM A GIRL
jacob: I DON'T SEE YOUR POINT

we just watched this movie called Beowolf, which is based on an epic poem of the 800's by... some guy. but this version is set in some sort of post-apocalyptic future and stars the guy from highlander as Beowolf. Beowolf is like... some sort of half man half demon or something... and he didn't seem to get much out of the whole deal. he can like... heal himself... and flip... he probably flips to where he's going more than he actually walks...

i also wore my vans today. i'd forgotten how great they were. i'm sorry vans. i remember all the good times we had now. i remember that, even though you're not perfect and you have holes, you're still comfortable and loving. i won't take you for granted again. i love you vans.

dur

i am amazingly anti-social and unlikeable.

buy my shit.

i've been writing bits of this story for a long while now. it's really random, and i don't even know if it will end up being worth all the trouble it's put me through. but i keep writing random things for it anyway. this next bit is a short rambling of cooper - the main character. it's just a rambling, not really part of the actual story... but i thought i'd post it here for whatever reason. cooper is like me in a few ways, but not really. he's stronger than me in a few ways and weaker than me in a lot of others... i don't really feel as he does... at this moment, anyway...

Winter In Spades - Cooper narration 3
i'm so much better than i used to be

"when things happen, like, anything at all... you sort of pass it by. things happening... it's like.. it doesn't matter when you're depressed. everything just becomes a thing. and many of those things just zoom past you in an awkward fit of frustration and agony. you don't care about anything, or rather, you're not sure what you care about. it's all mixed and muddled and befuddled. and the thing is... you don't even know if you're depressed. it's just what someone told you. when you have a pain in your chest and you don't know what to do, you must be depressed.

so, i guess i'm depressed.

now i'm giving up people. like a drug, they came into my life, smiling and laughing and shouting and crying with vacuum daydreams for me and them, slowly eating away with no truth and their never ending need for finality. and so it would be final eventually, it always was. but, i wasn't built for that. i'm not sure any of us were... but we seem to think we are. i kept on breaking the rules of social context. i loved too much. they drew me in. euphoric highs followed by sharp pains and fetal bedspring slumber parties. but, now i'm letting all of that go. i've gone into human rehabilatation. people do nothing but hurt me. yes, i'm very selfish, but as of yet, i haven't met a single person that hasn't hurt me... and being hurt isn't my favorite thing.

no... i do like a lot of things about people. i love many things about a particular person. but, that's sort of the point. unrequited love hurts.

but that's neither here nor there any longer...

anyway...

i grew up in a mid-sized town. economy sized. i learned life from that town. i learned it and i finished it and i took the test and passed it and went on to a first rate city. this city, new york city. this is where i became an entity of the planet. slowly crawling from one place to the next, making lines in the ground. pretty lines. artwork for giants. this struggling life, entertainment for their museums and coffee table books. this is the modern working man. give him a chance. take it away. it's only my job, don't take it personally.

starvation and poverty are very personal things.

there is a dominant force in american society that we like to call "settling." i'm not settling anymore. i'm not settling on more work for less pay, take what you can get, do what you have to do... no, i won't. i'm going away. and while i'm away, i'm writing my novel. my dream. my hilarious grade school wishes that have only become cheesy because it had become the opposite of "settling." but my dream has become warped and twisted and now i only hope that when it's finished it will never be read, and if it is, it will make the population ill and disgusted by it's human accuracies and people will loathe it and detest it and throw it into oblivion if they could. because that will be something different. that will be my opus.

so, i'm not setlling. starvation and poverty will become my greatest allies. because it's true, you know: i'm actively seeking a tragedy to fill in the notes of my opus.

yes, i'm human... and i'm actively seeking tragedy:

25 year old Male Seeking:
Pain and torment and sadness
Must be travel size and
concise enough to fit in a
300-400 pg work of art.

i'm actively seeking tragedy in the hopes that i will finally be able to get rid of it. in the hopes that tragedy will have had enough with me. i will have smothered tragedy and loved it too much. it will feel trapped and scared and finally, eventually, run away. and that will be the first time that i would be okay with being left behind.

my tragedy lies in colorado. in the snowy depths of spades. though, i will admit - this tragedy is slightly bastardized. it's accomodated by my grandfather - he has a cabin there, where i'll be living. as it is, starvation and poverty will be things that won't be present. they won't even exist - the cabin is stocked through winter with food and enough wood to last beyond it. more food will be dropped off on every 15th day...

so, the kindness of my grandfather should be enough to make me reconsider, but i can't just give this up. the only tragedy that can accompany me on this trip will be lonely. and... i'm... not even sure if lonely is a tragedy...

i'm too cryptic to understand what i'm doing."

I was going through all my old stuff and came across this random musing I wrote at about 14:

"... What i'm trying to say is that every single piece of information accumulated thus far adds up to the person(s) we are at the moment. So, if we were to maybe remove a chunk of that and replace it with a completely new set of memories, chances are good nobody would even recognize this persons tastes, habits, movement, speech or even vocal tendencies. As a matter of fact, we may even be able to go in the opposite direction and not remove, but add a single piece of information. It could change a persons whole perception of life. The mind is a wonderful and complex machine and in conjunction with emotions, observations can be powerful, dangerous and enlightening to our physical bodies. These 'powerful observations' could be as simple as a loved ones breath at our neck or as harsh as the death of a friend. A counter action of these observations may be observations that have been collected in the past allowing the mind to be shut off from observation changing thoughts..."

HAAAAAAA.

saddle creek has a new website now, and along with it all comes all these new EPs and LPs that seem like they're great. like... azure ray has a new EP, November. i downloaded a few songs from it and it's pretty great. especially the title track (november).

i also downloaded some bis by mention of them by mally. they have this song called "kill yr boyfriend" that really disturbs me in the way that i keep wanting to listen to it over and over... i mean like... it would suck if mally killed me or something... but this song is just so goddamn catchy.

i took a photo of my haircut for no reason at all, and meghan came in and told me that i looked really serious in it and could probably be in a german hardcore industrial band. i... don't even know.

also, if any fanboys of mally read this site in the hopes that i will someday die a horrible gruesome death so i will effectively be "out of the way"... well, i'm sorry... that didn't happen this past week. besides, it's not like i'd be able to tell you if i did die a horrible gruesome death anyway...