by the time you read this, mal, rey and i will be creating a lake of tears in the san diego convention center... together...

or, more likely, we'll be screaming as loud and as long as we can, running through the streets and trying to regain our sanity... or letting it deteriorate even further.

P.S. i'm sure we'd rather not have to comfort each other over our respective rejections. this would be the first common mistake in your thinking.

so leah has a new boyfriend and he's "great" and all that stuff. obviously better than her cretin ex-boyfriend. i dont know what to make of it. i talked to her tonight and made her cry apparently. i feel like puking now. i wrote her a nice email. but then i read her journal about how she loves her new boyfriend and i felt like writing another one that said, and i quote: "NEVERMIND I FEEL LIKE PUKING AND IF I WAS THERE ID PUKE ALL OVER YOU"

but honestly. it's all me. im the one who's retarded around her. she's just a little girl. and im an evil, evil, evil boy. with weird weird thoughts. and crazy ideas. i dont think she can hang. that's okay. either i can't hang with them, or they can't hang with me. she said i was vulnerable and she's probably totally right.

whatever. san diego will be fag-tastic. i wish i was gay.

i had a dream that chris ate the last garlic pita. i was so mad. i started stuffing my face with peanut butter and jam sandwiches. i ate like 4 in thirty seconds then i felt really sick. i think i'm crazy. i mean, it's just a pita. but i really wanted the pita. good thing when i woke up it was still there.

so my friends and i went camping last night.

let me paint you a picture of what the campground we go to is like: we drive far, far away from our homes. eventually we drive up abandoned logging roads (aka: fucking dangerous dirt roads) until at some point, the road loops around, and at your right, you can see almost all of washington in the horizon. we're up high in the mountains, basically. so, we reach the campground. and it's a nice, cleared out space. to the rear of us is more mountain to climb and to the front of us, is, again, washington, in all it's vastness. you can see seattle and everything. totally kick ass.

so yeah. we had fun. partying and all that. nighttime rolls around. we turn in. i can't sleep cause one of the homiez keeps fucking with the fire. i was pissed. so eventually, the sun comes up. i decide to climb the mountain to the rear of us, in a rage..... i end up at the top, and then i JO.

the end.

rockin': stupid patrick in his stupid summer of love and his stupid mass emails to all of his "friends" who are mostly girls who are all probably in love with him

i made curry for dinner. it was my first time making curry. or even any sort of stewed meet, actually. but apparently i could show my mom a thing or two about making curry, because this curry rules.

what i did:
cut everything up into bite sized, rough but relatively even pieces. fry the lamb in some olive oil (in a pretty large pot) until it's turned brown and no longer red. salt and pepper. put the lamb in another dish for a minute while i fry up the onions, garlic and green peppers. after a few minutes, toss in the potatoes. more salt and pepper. toss in the mushrooms. add curry powder (in my case a lot, but "to taste" is the maxim.) cook everything up a bit. then i added like half a can of unico diced tomatoes (i'm obsessed with Unico, don't ask me why) with the liquid and all. stir it up. maybe more salt and pepper, maybe more curry powder. (if i had other spices, i would use those too. cumin? cardamom? coriander? chili powder? "c" spices are apparently good for curry.) then a little can of campbell's beef broth. then turn up the heat, bring it to a boil, stir it a bit more, reduce to low heat, cover it, and let it simmer (ie ignore it) for an hour. i also put on rice at this point (in the rice cooker.) after a half hour i came back and i got a little worried and the rice was a little fucked up and shit, but i added a bit more water and put it back on and i just hoped it would all be good. and then after the full hour had passed i came down again and IT WAS ALL GOOD. i put some of that jerusalem style garlic flatbread in the microwave, rice on the plates, curry on the rice, garlic flatbread on the side, and such was dinner.

next time i want some authentic Indian spices. i wonder if you have to go to Indian stores to get that stuff. damn. i didn't know i could make curry. i didn't know i was allowed.

#1
* feeble kitten kisses you
feeble kitten: *smack*
feeble kitten: THE KISS OF DEATH
apolloniaNO: aaaaaaaaaaa
apolloniaNO: duuuude
apolloniaNO: nooooo

#2
apolloniaNO: it's like "uh, whatever, CHICK."
feeble kitten: yeah, totally
feeble kitten: its like get the fuck out of my face you fucking bitch.

my stereo stopped working... the cd player part. it just stopped. in the middle of a song. and now it won't even believe me when i say there is a cd in it. it won't believe me. it just keeps saying no.

i feel really strange as per usual. today i might dye my hair. i'm going to san diego in a few days. scott called and i have to give him some art for scholastic. i guess that could be nice or maybe i will go crazy like jhonen with the monkeys and the whatnot. i bought garlic pitas. i had one for lunch with stuff in it. i was basically going to use them like nan because i want to make curry, it is my goal to make curry. i bought curry powder and everything. but the garlic pitas are pretty good, they might become a staple around here. i also bought carrot cake cookies. i wanted something mild. carrot cake is usually pretty mild right? these cookies are hellishly sweet though. good, but too sweet.

i finished the music part of the EP but i can't listen to it anymore since the stereo broke. and i haven't done the comic for it yet. will i make it? jesus i hope so. i need something to sell in san diego otherwise i will not survive. i wonder if anyone cares enough to buy my original art. i have "queen & country" pages, maybe those will be popular enough to sell for a few bucks. it seems wrong to sell sketches doesn't it? god i hate conventions. i haven't been to one in a year so i can hardly remember, and i vaguely think i liked the last san diego, but still, conventions. they inspire suicide. i will try to just hang with friends and stay out of the convention itself. consider that a goal. let's explore san diego.

you can call out my name
if you hear me in your dreams
it's holding me here (in vain)
to reach through your skin
it's only a dream, it's only a dream
don't hold on too tight...

well, there goes another one
that i thought had loved
but love was far from where i land
the same place that you are not

soon that girl will go,
but that can't stop you from loving her
soon that girl will find another kiss
to take you off her mind

you see the way she forms her eyes,
its a little bit uncomfortable
i know exactly what line she's on
by the moves she makes
she shifts in her chair
and i don't want to make her mad,
but it seems i lost that battle long ago
it just brings up another fight
about how i can be so impossible
i should know this won't go anywhere,
i'm a stubborn and unhappy fool
but she keeps looking at my sleeve...
my heart is permanently sewn on

so i've been sitting in the rain for a half an hour
with a pen that forms her from the smoke of a past
that has never really seen its shape
and i wonder how it works in movies

this is how we break, just so you know

i hate how i'm detached enough from songs i've written years ago to completely identify with them now.

GODDAMN HUMMINGBIRDS.

apolloniaNO: we gotta have a relationship like in legends of the fall, or no relationship at all.
apolloniaNO: total love and devotion, with no sarcasm and we lay naked with our kids.
imasillygerl: no sarcasm?
imasillygerl: what the hell
apolloniaNO: sarcasm is a fool's game
imasillygerl: then i dont guess we can be together.
apolloniaNO: maybe like, once in a while, just for funniness
apolloniaNO: but i need a girl who is radiating love for me constantly
imasillygerl: well how else is sarcasm used!
apolloniaNO: its often used way too much.
apolloniaNO: like, if i were to say "baby, please pass me the salt?" i'd almost expect a regular person to say "GET IT YOURSELF-- HAHA" but, i wish they'd just love me, and say "sure thing baby" and bring it over to me, and then we'd smooch.
imasillygerl: that's dumb.
imasillygerl: not what you want.
imasillygerl: who would say get it yourself- haha as sarcasm?
imasillygerl: that person sucks and doesn't have a good sense of humour.
apolloniaNO: alright....
imasillygerl: what?
apolloniaNO: i also need someone more agreeable.

dude... mal... sometimes i really wish i was sexually attracted to you... i think you're a cutie, but that's as far as it goes.

anyway, i love you, but i don't want to get you in the sack... i'm so so sorry.

whenever i start reading message history i can't stop. it's an addiction.

feeble kitten: oh yeah... dude... i got my san diego registration thing... do you want me to put you on?
feeble kitten: like, you would be my "date"... or "guest"...
deleriumhead: dude... totally... i'll be your date...
feeble kitten: ok... cool...
deleriumhead: wait... when is sdcc?
feeble kitten: august 1st...
deleriumhead: okay... cool... i won't really have a problem making that...
feeble kitten: you better not... because like... i have to officially tell them you're my date... so if you stand me up, i'll be like... they'll like... i think they'll probably laugh at me...
deleriumhead: yeah... well... they'll probably be sympathetic... and you'll sit at a table with your flowers and all... and maybe they'll give you free coffee or something...
deleriumhead: and besides, if i stood you up, you'd probably meet your one true jacob sitting at a table across from you...
feeble kitten: DUDE...
deleriumhead: that's how it works in the movies...
feeble kitten: you're probably right... but dude... don't... like... stand me up!!!!

the secret origin of pickering as an insult:

feeble kitten: ryan totally started a band with those pickering kids...
deleriumhead: dude... wait... did you use pickering as an insult?
feeble kitten: uh... no... not really...
feeble kitten: just to say that they're from pickering...
deleriumhead: okay... but... wow... it could totally be used as an insult...
feeble kitten: yeah... it probably should, too...
feeble kitten: i'm gonna call ryan's band "that pickering band"
feeble kitten: insultingly

i found this from a while back.

deleriumhead: i'm always paranoid that everyone forgets about me...
feeble kitten: oh... i'm always paranoid that everyone hates me... and has ulterior motives... and like... wants to beat me up and steal my money...
feeble kitten: and i'm always like.. "i dont have any money!!!"
feeble kitten: that's the inevitable conclusion...
deleriumhead: dude... i love you and all... but i still want to beat you up and take your money...
feeble kitten: i know... see
deleriumhead: dude... i'm sorry... i'll try not to when i see you...
feeble kitten: well... like... dude... i dont have any money and shit!!
feeble kitten: so stop it!!!!!!!
feeble kitten: just stop!!!!
deleriumhead: dude i don't care!!!! i'm beating you up!!!
deleriumhead: i mean... no... dude... i'm sorry... i'll try...
feeble kitten: dude...!!!!!
feeble kitten: oh dude... someone totally is coming in the door.
feeble kitten: i'm so dead.
deleriumhead: WOAH
feeble kitten: it can't be ryan or chris... because i'm sure they're dead
deleriumhead: RUN DUDE. DON'T LET HIM GET YOUR MONEY!
deleriumhead: HIDE YOUR MONEY! IF YOU DIE, AT LEAST THEY WON'T HAVE YOUR MONEY!
feeble kitten: i screamed out that he cant have my money
feeble kitten: and that my roommates are dead
deleriumhead: did that make him leave?
*** deleriumhead signed off
*** deleriumhead signed on
deleriumhead: shit... i got disconnected...
feeble kitten: dude... it totally is chris... he's not dead.
deleriumhead: woah... dude... so, he totally tricked you...
feeble kitten: yeah...
feeble kitten: i get tricked a lot...
deleriumhead: i know...

i made this for my sister's band. they're just mastering a new 10-song demo album thing. supposedly it rocks. i'll tell you fuckers when it's online.

i hope that when i'm a successful comic book artist, stevenpreston.com will design my website for me and add my style to his style, which is a strange amalgamation of styles of successful comic book artists he's already designed websites for.

blah blah blah blah blah blah bluh blah. in other words, my rues on ale garza's messageboard are flowndering. i dont even know what to say anymore. i guess i'll just shut up until i meet him at SDCC and be like "hey, im rey. the guy that said he wants to mooch off your success. :B"

no, i don't get work from UDON. because my name isnt arnold tsang or alvin lee or long vo. maybe if i had an "oriental sounding" last name. yes, that's it. from now on, i will be known exclusively as "rey fang zoom"

it's turning out to be more of a bad head week, actually.

all i really want is a goddamn timpani roll to start this goddamn song.

i watched the last part of the tv version of The Shining tonight and i'm not sure why most people said it was pretty good. it was like... so cheesy. I guess it was more "accurate", but its not like i'd ever read the book anyway...

the little boy in the movie has the biggest lips i've seen on any child ever. and it does this thing where his top lip arches so he can never ever close his mouth. his top teeth are just constantly sticking out. it's like... i just wanted to grab his lips and squash them together for as long as possible, as if by doing this they would eventually mold together and just stay that way. i mean... he would probably thank me for it.

i don't know... i imagine he always feels like most people do after novacaine has been shot into their lips.

a bug just flew right in my nose.

deleriumhead: dude... i wonder what inside and outside would sound like if i put distortion on the guitar...
deleriumhead: i guess that means i'm trying it...
feeble kitten: whoa...
feeble kitten: thought and action are as one...
feeble kitten: jacob is a ninja...

i can't stand it. can't stand anything. i can't stand life and i don't want to talk to people because it's too hard and there's no point. today is a bad head day.

god... i woke up this morning all set to record all this shit finally, and like... the instant i have everything set up, some guy sets up some noise making machine outside. i mean... it's stupid... he set it up right outside the garage, so if i wanted to somehow open the garage door, it would be impossible. and, i don't feel like i should complain because, technically, i'm not supposed to be living here.

i'm getting so old.

mal, when you refer to me as "el fagtastico" i feel a bit displaced and uncertain about myself and a bit of tension grows between us. basically, what i'm trying to say is; it creates a bit of cognitive dissonance for me.

PS: holy shit, i just found his review of #1. he called you "extreme".

"In Vienna I knew a guy who had an old circus bear he sort of looked after, and I looked after the bear on weekends when he went away. I knew what they were like and to what degree they were trustworthy and to what degree it was not safe to think of them as just a kind of big dog. The thing I remember most vividly about the bear is that it is a dangerous animal for many reasons, but principally because its face is always concealed. Its face is enduringly expressionless. It's not like a dog that will raise its hackles, not like a cat that will sort of narrow its eyes and flatten its ears. It has this huge head and a furry face and very small expressionless eyes that don't change. Its eyesight is very poor so it's always sort of squinting at you (he squints) and its sense of smell and its hearing are very keen, so it always has this expression the most terrifying aspect of which is: "Who are you? What are you?" And the judgment of what you are can suddenly change. Because it doesn't see you clearly. It doesn't know what you are."

nice desktop, el fagtastico. but check out the skin on my browser...

i think i'm a John Barth fan. i'm finally reading COMING SOON!!! which i've had since like, march, and after slogging through the first fifty pages or so, which is a bit of a chore, it starts to get pretty entertaining. i was looking at critical reviews of it online and almost all of them panned it as cryptic smoke-and-mirrors bullshit. i think the thing i hate about critics is that they're so dismissive. they just toss whatever they're reviewing out the window at a moment's notice. movies and novels and albums and comics, these things take time and effort and energy, and usually SOMEBODY has put their heart and soul into whatever it is, and i'm not even going to exclude like linkin park or whatever, because fuck, maybe somebody in the record label machine hierarchy cares deeply about linkin park or shakira or whatever. it is to cry, really. i weep. linkin park makes me weep with empathy. not really. i've never even heard a song by linkin park, as far as i know. so anyway, i got a few more reviews of hopeless savages #2 at the fourth rail and randy is a little less dismissive this time, which i guess is nice.

my new thing is, don't buy my comic. especially if you don't read comics. it's really hard to start. it's really confusing and i mean, seriously, you should just go buy a book or something instead, go read "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius" or something. buying comics is more trouble than it's worth and you have to join the whole secret club and all. it's really a big tough chore. so don't buy it. if you know me, i'll give you a copy for free. when the collection comes out, then maybe you can buy that. that's a little better, a little different, a little more valid and permanent. single issues of comics are like, i mean, they're what moms buy for kids to get them to shut up while they're in the drugstore deciding what moisturizer to use. so, in closing, don't buy my comics. i'll tell you when lost at sea is in beautiful trade paperback bookshelf format.

last paragraph: i bought CDs today. used CDs. beulah - when your heartstrings break. it is a nice little perfect pop album. their newer album (i forget its name) is really not nearly as good as this. most of the songs on this album are just great. even my sister might like it. side note: i was listening to this and reading COMING SOON!!! and in the cast of characters one of the characters is called Beulah. hoo ha. other cd: the beta band - the three EPs. ryan has this and i've listened to it a few times and it's been in my head occasionally. and i mentioned the beta band in a song that i wrote recently. and it was pretty cheap. so i got it. i haven't listened to my copy yet, but like, it's pretty cool. ryan recommends listening to the EP segments and pausing in between (4 songs each), which makes sense, but you can also listen to it all the way through if you're conceptualizing it as 3 EPs. ok? yeah. good. try that.

i totally changed the colors of my desktop. it looks so rad now. like a new computer or something. everything has a dark red/light yellow theme to it. much like my website. and the "message text" is dark red, so now like, on applications and shit, all the fonts are dark red. but the BEST PART is notepad, cause now all the text is dark red. i code in dark red now. it's so great. i gotta take a screenshot.

best desktop ever.

and to commemorate the bliss of dildo-shaped-things i present to you:

the blue dildo lamp. my mother has a very unique design sense. i think i may have inherited that from her. maybe my longterm goal as a home-owner should be to have almost all my home accessories be dildo shaped. this'd be especially easy if i lived with mal.

i'm not in love with you anymore. instead, i've found love in the form of this australian ginger lemon & lime marmalade. it's the best marmalade ever. so, i guess we'll just have to be friends from now on.

i think now that there's 4 jars of marmalade in my fridge, i'm moving up from "casual marmalade hobbyist" to "serious collector".

something... happened... and i totally freaked out... and then... suddenly... i became happy. this is so weird.. i'm actually happy.

holy jesus shit... there are 8 year olds on jeopardy... really...

dude... every day is like 15 years long. and i have like so many mood swings. like 50... million... mood swings. every day. that's approximately 580 mood swings per second... unless each day is actually 15 years long, in which case it's only 0.10569930661254862168104177236597 mood swings per second. but there are a lot more seconds, obviously. It's still like 9000 mood swings a day. which is totally a lot, especially if there are 5475 days in a day. seriously... my life is so totally fucked up. yeah. check it out.

anyway... what was i going to say? um... i totally forget... since i obviously had like 50 mood swings while writing that paragraph.. jesus... i was uploading some songs to new music canada, which is kind of like mp3.com, but they only stream mp3s, and they're cooler, and my favorite bands are on there, and it's only for canadian musicians. so i might start using it instead of mp3.com... but yeah. i uploaded two songs from the new EP to there and i will tell everyone when they get approved or whatever.

a band that i love posted this... they're all obviously insane. my sister is on there and the drummer from her band, and a few of my friends. we are hardcore paper moon fans, which pleased them since their CD didn't even come out until a week or two after that show and they were semi-unknown. (we knew them from their previous incarnation as b'ehl, and the fact that i'm obsessed with endearing records).

dude.. it's like the bank.. oh my god... there's like... these signs in portuguese... and the soulless portuguese teller... oh my god... she's like... i can't even explain... oh my god... omgomgomg

so, i was my mother's errand boy again... going to the DMV to pay her registration. at the DMV, they have signs that say 'License to CARE' and they somehow allude to the fact that if you buy a personalized license plate, you'll "keep the kids safe." I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a threat... or what.

also, i mean... i know everyone knows this, but why are DMV employees always so apathetic? why have i been using the word apathetic so much lately??

all i want is to say the truth. all i want is to let the words pour out with simple, humble decency. i dont want a quota to fill or a set pattern of words i have to say to be "right". i just want to say what is true to me. i want a voice, and i want to hit a high note, and hold it for 50 years.

feeble kitten: it is so hard.
feeble kitten: so dumb and so hard.
feeble kitten: you are much too great.
feeble kitten: i don't even know why we, as humans, need "more than friends" anyway. some biological urge.
feeble kitten: who knows.
feeble kitten: it's hard to know you, see, and not be "more than friends" with you. it's hard and will continue to be hard unless, someday, some new option is presented to me, someone else who is amazing in her own way, and who is maybe, hopefully, interested in being "more than friends" with me, too.
feeble kitten: it's hard, is all i'm saying.
feeble kitten: but i'm glad to talk to you, nonetheless.

hello cowgirl in the sand
is this place at your command?
can i stay here for a while? can i see your sweet sweet smile?
old enough now to change your name
when so many love you is it the same?
it's the woman in you that makes you want to play this game.

deleriumhead: oh yeah...
deleriumhead: he got my site url totally wrong also...
feeble kitten: yeah...
deleriumhead: dude...
deleriumhead: this... totally freaks me out...
feeble kitten: aaaa....
feeble kitten: [18:26] delequery: he got my site url totally wrong also...
[18:27] feeble kitten: yeah...
[18:27] Xxxxxxxxxxx: dude...
[18:27] Xxxxxxxxxxx: this... totally freaks me out...
deleriumhead: AHH
deleriumhead: AHHHHH
feeble kitten: [18:28] Xxxxxxxxxxx: AHH
[18:28] Xxxxxxxxxxx: AHHHHH
feeble kitten: i need to restart!!!!!
deleriumhead: DUDE STOP

i don't want to think about comics. i don't want to have conversations about comics. i don't want to worry about comics or the comics industry or what anyone else is doing. i want to just draw my comics, maybe go to a convention or two each year to meet the kids, and that's it, that's all i want. the rest of my time, i want it to be about something else. i want it to be about you. i wanted a teammate. a partner. whatever. because i don't care about comics. seriously. i just care about life and love or the lack thereof and the comics are just one convenient way of expressing that. and the dream was that we would have so many other things to talk about and do and see and think of that comics could just be the one thing and not the whole thing. because seriously fuck you. comics drive me insane. i don't want them. get them away from me. I WANT SOMETHING ELSE TO GET ME THROUGH THIS SEMI-CHARMED KIND OF LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and shit. there is a song i wrote like a year ago that goes "i just want something to believe in, some fresh air that i could breathe in, i just want you," and it was about you, but whatever. it is still true. and i would take someone other than you, if there was anyone other than you. if life presented me some new choices i would definitely consider them. until then i will sit here and hear about comics and think about comics and talk about comics and hate comics and hate myself and slowly atrophy. because really, i just want something to believe in, and you were something to believe in, for christ's sake, and now there's nothing. i try to believe in my shit, my art, whatever, i try and i try and i try and for now that has to be enough but really it's not enough at all. so hey life, help me out here, throw me a motherfucking bone. okay? thanks. love, mal.

dude... like... seriously... i thought jacob was dead... and i was trying to figure out what i would do... i thought i would write his mom a letter asking what happened to him... and she would be like "he died"... and i would like, ask her to send me his hard drive... so i could master and release his album for him... but, i think i would have gone crazy already at that point... like, hearing the news of jacob's untimely demise would have driven me over the brink... anyway... yeah... i just didn't see him for like 48 hours or something... so i guess i'm a little paranoid. phew.. jacob.. dude... don't scare me like that and shit.

from now on i'm reffering to my birthday as "the tragic events of september 8th."

also, i made up the term "bearrorists" today (as in "there was a bearrorist attack at the mall")... i think i'll use it when i talk about any canadians.

i don't have anyone to tell any of these jokes to here, so i'm sure they'll die soon enough.

mal: dinner was dismal but now i'm drinking gin
laura: okay
mal: what are you doing tonight
(long pause)
laura: eating
(pause)
mal: food?
(long pause)
laura: yes

mal: These two 14 year old girls keep messaging me. Always at the same time. They're like best friends or something. They message me apparently from the same room, and keep cryptically referring to things that the other said. They're either best friends, or one insane person, or some kind of symbiotic entity.
John: Congratulations, Mal. You've just made the cut for the latest entry into ITISTOCRY.doc. This wordpad file is usually reserved for brilliant representations of messaging, most commonly in the form of created events within which Halliday or yourself play some part, as written by Nathan Avery. Unfortunately, your entry, in that last hilarious message, is non-fiction--standing as a testament to the humour I find in your bizarre internet exploits.

redblues05: if the devil were a woman
redblues05: she'd have short black hair and big boobs
feeble kitten: no way dude
feeble kitten: she would be fabulous
feeble kitten: and wear pointy shoes
redblues05: that IS fabulous!

it was a pretty chobo night, i guess. again. my music gives me a little comfort. the EP is almost almost done. i still have to do vocals for one song and i've tried so many times and not gotten it perfect. the rest of the songs are basically done right down to the mixing and mastering nicely. then there's the matter of the comic and packaging. bleh. not much time left. i'll be done hopeless savages #3 by monday though, and then i can concentrate solely on this shit.

pad this post with purchases the other day-
DOWN THE STREET and COME OVER COME OVER by lynda barry. two of the out of print books of which she has like, 15 or something, jesus, i don't know. a million. they collect Ernie Pook's Comeek strips which i guess appear in alternative weekly papers across the country. harper collins published collections of them back in the 80s and early 90s, then stopped, and now they're out of print. she has a few newer collections in print: THE GREATEST OF MARLYS and THE FREDDIE STORIES are i think the only ones. i have those, and the ones i mentioned, and also IT'S SO MAGIC which is the last in the maybonne trilogy, which are the most fucked up and adulty, as far as i know. the second one is the most fucked up, MY PERFECT LIFE, which i don't have. a girl who introduced me to lynda barry let me read those three (the first is COME OVER COME OVER) and there was no turning back. peter of the beguiling (a store) said his favorite is called NAKED LADIES NAKED LADIES and it's an oversized book with drawings of naked ladies. he knows that i am a seeker of out of print lynda barry books so hopefully if he finds it he'll give me dibs. he had a couple of the older 80s books which the girl also showed me but they were not as compelling, sort of cruder and not about the kids of the later comics, they are like 80s neurotic romance genre or something, i don't know.

other book i got: CORALINE by neil gaiman with some drawings by dave mckean. it was sort of a impulse buy. gaiman has his moments and hopefully this is one of them. the only other novel of his i read was NEVERWHERE, which kind of fell flat but still leaves images in my head, oh and GOOD OMENS with terry pratchett which i think was great, but i read it like 6-8 years ago and i totally forget what it was actually like. so CORALINE is like this spooky children's novel, something which turns my crank, and the quotes on the back say stuff like it's a challenger to alice in wonderland, and stuff, and it looks cool, so i bought it. spooky children's novels rock my world. one of my favorite books ever is TIME OF THE GHOST by dianna wynne jones, which is, jesus, it's so great, everyone should read it, but then i'm an elitist, so fuck you, none of you should read it. it's all mine. it's my favorite spooky children's novel.

i found the best thing ever.

blue gatorade in my pink dildo cup.

Eddo: if i get XP i need like, 2 more chips of 512 MB ram so i will have like gosu 1248MB sd ram
mal: gosu
Eddo: my com has 4 ram slots i didnt know
mal: i don't even remember how much ram i have
mal: maybe 256
mal: i want more
mal: i want a gig
Eddo: ram sux.. unless, maybe it doesnt

later i axed him what gosu means. he said it supposedly means Good in korean. Chobo means "bad" and Hasu means "medium". he say it is common starcraft term. eddo is my brother. he is hasu crazy.

fags, the both of you.

i...

i guess i went to a show. it really didn't do anything for me. first was tigre benvie, rob benvie's egotistical new post-thrush hermit band. he basically had like all this drum machine and keyboard and tape loop voice crap recorded to DAT or something, and played it back, and then the band played along with it. which I thought was kind of cheesy, but i guess it's okay if he's doing something different after years and years of playing straight up live rock with the hermit. but it was still cheesy. and at one part the tape was going "benvie! benvie! benvie! benvie!" and he was holding his hands up like richard nixon and chanting benvie benvie along with it. like a dick. oh wait: also, the songs sucked. and he can't sing worth a crap. joel plaskett is the post-thrush hermit experience of choice, obviously.

the other band was the local rabbits. somehow i never heard any of their songs before. i was always curious about them because their first record is called "you can't touch this" and their followup EP was "stomp your british knights down", and any clever boy can tell you that those are both MC Hammer references. so like... i don't know. they were really tight and everything, but their music was just weird in this way that i can't hardly explain. it didn't really grab me except here and there. let me try to describe it. basically there are two singers, and one of them is sort of uninteresting, and the other one has this super high voice that i can't even describe. it sounds like he's really trying to hit those notes, but they're ALL super high notes. they're both really good guitarists and they play like counterpoint melody lines, as opposed to rhythm strumming or anything. and the bass is always up and down the scales too. so like, there's three instruments just all over the place, playing these weird melodies, and the song structures were all jacked, like not really standard pop stuff or anything, sort of more like prog rock or classical, evolving structures and shit. i spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was weird about the music, and those are the things i figured out. then i left because i was tired of staring at adorable indie rock couples acting cutesy with each other, and the music really wasn't going to suddenly leap out and inspire me.

the highlights of the show were when i noticed that Chris Murphy from Sloan was standing like 5 feet in front of me. then all of a sudden I looked up at the stage and Benvie was sitting at the rhodes and Murray Lightburn was at the front mic. the Dears guy. its like what the fuck? huh? i had a dream about him the other day. suddenly here he is. he's from Montreal, so it's not like i expect to run into him, but the Rabbits are from Montreal and maybe Murray came along for the ride or something. The girl from the dears was there too, i forget her name. so anyway, yeah. celebrity sightings. that was good.

i don't know. i don't know shit about shit. i think the rest of my life is destined to be a hilarious stupid joke, and it's not like everything so far has been very serious either. it seems like it would be nice to have some nice local girlfriend and go places and do shit with her but jesus, why? what does it matter? the older i get, the less i want to deal with people at all, at all, at all. the blues? i got the blues, that's me.

so, i completely broke the promise to myself and bought something else. the royal tenenbaums dvd. it's big and is great.

also, it doesn't even seem to matter. my chest is so amazingly hollow and painful right now. i give up... i give up... just take me away... please, i give up.

i finally found some japancakes mp3s online... and i guess they're an instrumental outfit. at least, the mp3s i got are instrumental. it's like a mix between azure ray and little red rocket with a lot of one of those mythical slide guitars, but without lyrics... which would make sense... it's kind of nice and relaxing, i guess...

h...heh...

HOPELESS SAVAGES: GROUND ZERO #2 (of 4) by Jen Van Meter, Brian O'Malley and Christine Norton. Oni Press. $2.95
I dunno, should I feel guilty that Terry Dodson's (see my column logo above for a sample of his style) cover is so sexy? I mean, this is a 15- or 16-year-old girl, right? Anyway, I've been really happy to find that in the second miniseries, both art and story have improved. I've come to like Skank Zero a lot, almost as much as her publishing-mate Bleu in BLUE MONDAY, and want her to get the nerd boyfriend. They're realistically screwed up in ways generally fixable by hand-holding and a few smooches, and I'm ready to see it. This quirky romance shares space with an apron-strings subplot with Skank and her mom, as well as a fun nod to THE OSBOURNES, whether it was planned that way or not. I think in a previous review somewhere I pointed out how much Norton had improved, when in fact, she's only doing the flashback sequences, and is about the same: fine but not exciting. The art that grabbed me is from O'Malley, who may very well be one to watch, considering the emotional charge he gets out of such thick, rough lines.

i guess this is coming out next week... also the ONI COLOR SPECIAL which has lost at sea in the back which is a nice little comic that I am very proud of. please read them in the store at least.

also, her name is Christine NORRIE... not norton... norton is another person entirely... also, I guess my name is "bryan", not brian...

okay, so like... i don't know if it's appropriate to mention this or whatever, but since i've been here i've seen or heard of at least 6 children named jacob and about 4 children named mallory (nicknamed mally).

i don't even know what to think about this...

i think i deleted a post again. i guess that's what i do. i delete posts.

there's a flash flood warning suddenly... like... apparently it's raining somewhere a lot... i have no idea where. not here obviously... i mean... unless it's invisible rain or whatever.

but, yeah... i mean... this is a valley, so like... water comes down here. maybe we'll be a lake soon. that would be great. i mean, really that would be great. i would like that.

feeble kitten: i remember when i was in milpitas, he put out some songs... one of them was about how he sucks at dreamcast tennis...
feeble kitten: they were hilarious...
deleriumhead: yeah... i totally remember that...
deleriumhead: like... i reminded him about that and he was like, "i didn't even remember..."
feeble kitten: he's weird...
feeble kitten: he just does stuff...
deleriumhead: sometimes i wonder if he's really the corey we once knew...
feeble kitten: he's a monster...

feeble kitten: i bought this cup...
feeble kitten: it's the biggest cup ever...
feeble kitten: it holds like... probably two cans of soda...
deleriumhead: woah...
feeble kitten: it's pink... and translucent... and has studs on the outside...
feeble kitten: it's like a dildo...
deleriumhead: holy shit...
feeble kitten: it's really tall and thin...
feeble kitten: i got it at like, wal mart...
feeble kitten: it's the best cup ever...

jesus... the goggles...

oh yeah... i'm making... an album or whatever also. mine will be an LP. i might sell it online. since no one really cares about me (self-deprecation, see?!!), i can at least say that mal has had a hand in it... so all you people might now be kind of interested. hopefully it will be done by SDCC also. if it is, i'll try to sell it there... maybe. we'll see. if you're good. you people you.

hey dude... jacob... you can't get away with posting a picture of yourself. here's a picture of me in retalation.



ha hahahahh ah ah ah ah hahahahaha. (|-_-|)

i'd like to post something cryptic and vague about my glorious, fabulous, secret life as an amazingly cool girl with a livejournal, but the truth is, fuck you.

i'm almost done my new EP. it has 7 songs. i sort of want to redo one of them, but i might not. i mean really, it could be finished right now. i've been working on these songs and tweaking them way more than i ever have with anything i've done. i finished all the basic tracks practically months ago and since then i've just been adding and changing things. the plan is to make an 8-page CD-booklet-sized lost at sea comic with a sleeve in the back cover for the CD, and sell them like that for 10 dollars. i will be selling them at the san diego comicon, the toronto con, and probably SPX in baltimore in september. hand making, hand selling. it's the lame, old-fashioned way of getting exposure and that feels good.

i may not sell the EP over the internet, but i'll probably put tracks from it on a new compilation and sell that through mp3.com. it's really the costs and troubles of hand-shipping that are the problem. especially if i'm doing a fragile little comic book as packaging.

this is almost exactly how scruffy i look now, only this picture was taken like 3 months ago. my hair keeps growing and i don't even have an urge to cut it. pretty soon my head will be eaten by hair.

anyway... whatever. i posted a picture of myself. the world must be ending.

back to hummingbirds...

so... i guess "self-deprecation" is the new buzz term of the moment. like... seriously... i hear it everywhere. that's sad.

i bought Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses today... and the newest sloan. and i went to the library and picked up Identity by Milan Kundera, which i really like so far and kept me occupied after having to deal with a huge... thing...

anyway, that's pretty much all i plan on buying for like... a long time. even though i originally picked up about 6 books to buy - but put them all back - at borders. i have a feeling borders is horribly overpriced... or maybe books are just horribly overpriced nowadays...

(|-_-|)

by the way, blogger isnt working for me. HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

paul pope is officially jesus.

i started the "groundwork" of "break" today. BREAK being this comic i've decided to DEVOTE myself to until i finish it. it's brilliant, but i never thought about JUST DOING ONE comic. fuck everything else. fuck the world. this is the comic i've decided to work on. like a PRO. GROUNDWORK. PLOTTING. SCRIPTING. THUMBNAILS. DRAW PAGES. DONE. publish? WHO CARES. just draw the motherfucker. i'm fucking 20. and this is me being 20 and working on my first comic.

im not even going to worry about being cool at SDCC because wether or not anyone notices me im going to fucking WORK on this COMIC.

but above all, im getting into this because it sounds like god damn fun.

of course, if i should somehow attain work on other people's titles as a result of SDCC... i'll consider doing that before-- or at the same time-- as break. :]

so anyway. im glad delerium doesnt have a sucky design anymore. now i can start posting again.

ONE OF THESE DAYS WHEN I HAVE MY VISION THERE'S GONNA BE NO REASON FOR THIS UGLY INDECISION.

I don't even know what's going on. I guess I don't. Do you? Does anyone?

The rest of my life is hilarious.

so like... yeah... i got money. i'm suddenly a kind of highly successful hummingbird illustrator. not really... about the highly successful part, i mean.

over the weekend i made songs and wrote crazy crazy emails because i'm crazy crazy.

but hey, money can't buy me loo-ove. loo-ove. money can't buy me love.

He reminds me of Locke. Is that weird?

One regards "Reign of Fire" with awe. What a vast enterprise has been marshaled in the service of such a minute idea. Incredulity is our companion, and it is twofold: We cannot believe what happens in the movie, and we cannot believe that the movie was made.

omfg haha ha ha ha ha

not really.

no really. ha ha ha hahahahahha ha ha ha ha omfg ha ha ha haomfg.

feeble kitten: i need to go to the art store
feeble kitten: damn it
feeble kitten: i have so much stupid crap to do
CJBOC: YES YOU DO, FUCKER.
feeble kitten: oh shut up
CJBOC: NO, YOU SHUT UP BITCH!
CJBOC: I've decided to over-react.
feeble kitten: no, I'VE DECIDED TO OVERREACT
CJBOC: YOU REDUNDANT PIECE OF SHIT!
CJBOC: I'LL KILL YOU!
CJBOC: Cherish, it's the word I use to remind you of my love.

>From: jacob
>Reply-To: aalipop@yahoo.com
>To: xxxxx_xxxx@hotmail.com
>Subject: another paper
>Date: Thu, 11 Jul 2002 00:18:16 -0700 (PDT)
>
>okay... now i have the berkeley paper done. but...
>still... no fight club. uhh... but, it'll be done
>bfore friday morning.
>
>
>love,
>- jacob

how cute. "love, jacob"...

is that a request or closing? : )

both... but, really... yes, it's a request.

I’m a slave for you. (Like that)
I cannot hold it and I cannot control it.
I’m a slave (It just feels right) for you.
(It just feels good)
I won’t deny it;
I’m not trying to hide it. (Baby)

i really want my camera... oh... but really... i miss my camera. i want my goddamn camera. i really want my camera.

i.. uh... so.. what.. wait...

tonight emma bought me a shitload of alcohol and i became silly. later i walked her home and it was pleasant. nothing bad or debaucherous happened so don't worry. dave talked to a girl and hopefully he gets her goddamn phone number because she was giving him clear signs that she was into him, such as talking to him all night, also a guy called her over in a familiar way and she was like "i dont know that guy, he's just a friend of a friend" to dave, which is like, jesus, she is only pointing that out to alert you that she is not into the dude the way she is into you, dude.

tomorrow i hope to do stuff also. different stuff but stuff nonetheless. now to bed in my uncomfortable old bed that is no longer mine. i know exactly how you felt when you switched to the big bed in the dollhouse room and then couldn't go back to the little bed and then had to switch permanently to the big bed. but you still don't know how it felt to go from my decent bed to your bed your amazing bed with you and then back to my decent bed which suddenly seemed empty and uncomfortable. it was the same but more but different and so much. so shitty. you don't know yet and someday you might know but it won't help me.

this post has an emo rating of 4.

the local comic store doesn't carry hopeless savages... and... they don't even seem to know how to order them. this town sucks so much.

also... i love my mals... i love them all over. in different ways, but yes... i love them.

I wrote a poem about jacob. It goes:

jacob is the bee's knees
jacob is the high seas
jacob is the cats meow
jacob can go pow pow pow!

that last part is jacob's xtreme fighting style.

i can't believe the olsen twins have a new movie. that must make like 50 movies for them now. i'm afraid that if i went and saw this new movie, they'd suddenly be 40 years old...

anyway... *sigh* just another boy, just another boy.

Who knows what's going on? Who knows who knows who knows who knows who knows who knows who knows who knows who knows.

I love Jacob dude. I love him. He's my hombre. Sweet ass Jacob. Sweet like a fleet of helicopters with missiles. I had this dream about helicopters with missiles shooting the hell out of this penthouse apartment where this older Paul Newman type-dude was brainwashing this sex and the city-type girl and then it was a little later and we all had to get into the cryopods for hypersleep because we were going to a far off colony planet for whatever reason and I almost didn't get into my pod right and I thought i would wake up dead and i would be the first guy to die (it was like Aliens) and then i got in alright, and we all woke up and had leftover chinese food (from before the helicopter attack... maybe it was cryogenically frozen too) and i was like "good thing i didn't die. i guess we're not in one of those movies anyway" because we all knew about the movies and it was like one of those hyper-aware ironic sickly doubled back movies. So yeah, i love jacob obviously.

THE OLSEN TWINS HAVE A NEW MOVIE.

I have to wait until meghan gets back to see it, because meghan and jacob are the only people who understand the olsen twins the way I do. Mehgan doesn't get back for a MONTH. What the FUCK is that shit.

I agree with mal, girls with french names rock so fucking hard. Other things that are great: girls who have last names for first names, girls who have the names of states (especially out-west plains states like Montana or Dakota), girls who have the names of cities (like Raleigh in Mal's comic). Only certain states and certain cities, though, because a girl named New Hampshire would be kind of whack.

i don't understand this "reality." it isn't reality at all. it's completely constructed. an intricate series of events carefully and tediousy set in motion a long long time ago. it's more like a story. like fiction. in the prologue you're born and have a childhood. chapters 1 through 14 or 16 or 20, you have school. the last few episodes of the "school chapters" is where the climax comes in. and everything after is just an extremely long epilogue where you get a job and have a family and whatever. this is the hollywood movie life anyway. if you stray from that it seems that your publisher will have a fit.

my publisher is having a fit right now.

sweet jesus. dude. this design, dude. no way dude.

okay... so... wait. i so totally rejected the 4th of july... i slept so much today...

or wait... maybe i didn't reject it at all. i was so independent today. like... sleeping is being really independent. and i did a lot of it. yay.

here's something...

this kid is pretty cool.

i dont really have anything else to say. send me some loving. send it now. send it by giraffe, or jungle telegraph.

mal: they are so easy to kill too!
mal: they have soft heads
mal: u could just squish em!!!!!!
mal: its not like you need a knife or a bomb to kill a baby.

there's some newish songs i did on my mp3.com/kupek page. they just went up. check them out. there's also the live version of "buttons" featuring jacob, back when he lived near me, which wasn't so long ago.

mal made a design for us. <3.

i went to the goodwill today and bought a pretty lame shirt and some pants.

oh, my mom made this really weird... thing the other night. it was like... a big side of... some kind of meat... with stuffing. i totally don't like stuffing. and i mean... it was just... not pretty. and not very good. she tries, i guess...

i'm really sleepy and i feel really weird. i think it's all the heat. it's so hot. so so so hot.

i want a girl with

a french name

skirts

a hairstyle

more pairs of shoes than me (6+)

ideas

a dry wit

a tender heart

nice shoulders that look good in a muscle tank

eyelashes

a willingness to go through life with a partner, at least for a while

a love for the world and all the little stupid things

a propensity for wandering the streets between 1 and 5 AM

absurd thoughts that make me so fucking happy when she voices them (but i think most girls have something like that)

an amazing smile (this has nothing to do with dentistry)

about the french name thing... not really. but i like french names. examples: mathilde, sabine, gabrielle, adrienne, claire, adele, genevieve, annette, jacqueline, madeline, josephine. i mean, really, you can't go wrong. but its just a thing. just one thing. and it doesnt obviously matter.

shit.......... is shitty.

this site is no longer interactive.

everyone i know has a livejournal now. everyone i know is clearly insane, too. it's all coming together. the internet is insane. i'm insane. nobody should be allowed to live. i should listen to some more TRAIL OF DEAD.

life: it is great and awful at the same time.

new CDs today for the first time in months.
and you will know us by the trail of dead / source tags & codes. this band reminds me of rey. they're like hardcore screamo type shit. and they have the greatest name ever.
jeff mangum live at jittery joe's. i love jeff mangum. i love neutral milk hotel. this is a nice CD. it was pretty fucking expensive and it didn't even have a case, though.

i think i've gone bad. i think i've spoiled.

anyway, i have a lot of things to send to people. i'll be sure not to send any more boms.

self portrait as vanilla coke in a fast eddie's cup

life please pull this punch

deleriumhead: i guess that's one of the rules... "you can have everything you don't really want."