i'd hate to become cynical and bitter and consequently sarcastic all of a sudden, but i would have to say that it certainly does bother me when babies become trophies.

i was standing in line at the grocery store while a little girl quietly ran around the vicinity of her mother. she was constantly yelled at by her mother for what i can only assume was moving around and being alive. i don't remember being at all bothered by anything the little girl was doing (i'm not bothered easily though, i guess). the mother would intermittenly check in on the baby in her stroller making "googly" sounds and attracting attention from the nearby crowd of people who would offer their sighs and "ohh-ahhs." the best part was when an older man she apparently knew came up and she informed him that she "got a new baby" as if she had just won it in the lottery and it's sole purpose was to gather the aforementioned crowds.

another thing that especially bothered me was how obsolete the little girl had become. the baby was the new toy, the new model. the baby was cherry coke and the little girl was regular coke. but, someday strawberry coke will come out and both cherry coke and regular coke will be obsolete. i'm sure at one time the little girl was the great new toy that the crowds gathered for. and i'm sure the crowds ate it up. and i became sick.

and this has nothing to do with the fact that it involved young people. i've seen trophy boyfriends and girlfriends. boys being led around on leashes (real leashes with chain collars, not metaphorical ones), i've seen women become maids in their own homes. it just disturbs me. how people like... do stuff.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

i'm a very nostalgia oriented person... and not purposely. sounds and pictures and fashion magazines remind of certain people in certain situations. i constantly sigh. i found some rilo kiley songs in one of the floate directories and i like it a lot. they say california is a recipe for a black hole. and i say i got my best shoes on; i'm ready to go.

anyway, like i was saying, i often see or hear lots of things and i'm always reminded of the good things that have happened in my life - which can be good or bad depending on my position in time and space. final fantasy 3 reminds me of living in a two story townhouse and working under the table at a used video game store when i was 14. my purple sony cd player reminds me of eating pizza every other night and ordering things from kozmo.com and being very californian in the process. green tea will forever remind me of sitting at my computer and hearing a package slammed against my door and opening it to find the best things anyone has ever sent me.

i sigh a lot. this is no joke.

sometimes i wonder if anyone sees or hears things and is overwhelmingly reminded of me. being as self-deprecating as i've tended to be lately, i've decided that it doesn't really happen. i've made tapes for people and it's only served to remind the listener of hearing it with someone else. people forget they've seen movies with me. everyone is always surprised when they tell me of something really great that happened to them and i remind them that i was right beside them at the time. it's odd and sometimes distressing to be forgettable, but i suppose i should use this to my advantage somehow... maybe i should become an unwitting supervillian.

i generally think it's distressing because at times, my survival depends on people remembering me and recognizing the things that i can do. whether it be work or art or whatever... i need to generate an income to survive and i truthfully don't know how to do anything but express myself. i honestly wish i didn't need to impress anyone or prove anything that i've done, but it seems like it's what needs to be done. i'm tired.

i'm tired. i just watched harry potter and would anyone object if i started speaking with a scottish accent from now on? because the one scottish accent in the movie was the only one that i wished i had... or... okay, i wouldn't mind an english accent... but the scottish one was obviously a lot smoother. maybe it was because the owner of the accent was a dreamy scottish sportsman...

i took a nap today and had... this dream... that consisted of:

- a girl who would say 'last night' instead of 'good night' when she went to bed. i think that's the most goth thing ever. she told her mother this at one point and she looked at her with concern... and when the girl realized how awful the phrase must sound (as in, "this is the 'last night' i'll see you") she told her mother that her father told her to say it from now on instead of the usual 'good night'. her mother just scowled... and that was the end of that part.

- a dog who lived in a different slower plane of time; he would move and age very slowly while everyone around him moved faster (i imagine this came from watching The Time Machine). upon meeting him i suddenly realized that he and i were both on the same plane of time... and up until that point i was always trying to move much faster to keep up with all the fast time people.

- while meeting the dog there was a new wave punk party going on in someones garage and, as i typically am, i was a little frightened that they would make fun of me as i passed or the skateboarding kids would start a fight with me (yes, i am a skateboarding kid sometimes, but in visalia they have other skateboarding kids that like to fight. they're everywhere) but all of them actually seemed really friendly and there was a punk new wave type band that was all lo-fi and played with electric guitars and keyboards and various other cheap (but interesting) instruments. i wanted to join the band but, of course, i was too slow to play any instruments.

- i had a (non-existant) brother in part of it who would test me on drum patterns while i was asleep - our (non-existant) father used to teach us how to drum when we were younger and, i guess i knew the patterns (the different unique patterns had names) so well that i would tap them out while he would whisper to me in my sleep.

- mally and i both laying on a hammock inside of a house. we would watch people come up to the door and knock, but we wouldn't answer it (somehow we could see them but they couldn't see us) and we thought it was amusing. we then had a conversation about sometimes wishing we could just watch people try to do things all day from a distance... studying them, i guess. knowing intimate things about people who have no idea who you are... and... wait... web... logs?

- mally and i trying to get our licenses renewed at the DMV. she went up and had a problem because she didn't have a birth certificate or something and i obviously wasn't paying attention because i went up without my birth certificate and had the same problem. the dmv employee was plenty confusing and at one point told me i only needed my ID and something else but mentioned nothing of a birth certificate. so i said, "wait... i don't need a birth certificate?" and he replied with something to the effect of, "of course you do, idiot." i sighed and walked away.

- there was an actual story to all of this and it somehow connected very well, i think. but, i forgot the key factors that linked everything once i woke up. most of my dreams are weird and very epiphanic (if i remembered the details, they probably would be, anyway).

i need to go to sleep. i guess. i need money. i guess. maybe i won't be posting that much and i don't think i'll be policing this place. but everyone is invited back i guess. play... nice? r... rar?

today i ate like a motherfucker. i had a PETE'S jersey cheesteak sub, BBQed some steaks and burgers, MADE some mashed potatoes, SWIPED some lasagna from my work.... etc etc.... it was a good day. i partied for about 12 hours straight and ate and drank myself fat and merry.

so i guess tonight was as good a night as ever to kind of bring my "party" days to a close. time to concentrate on the CRAFT. move OUT. get my FREAK ON.

open your eyes, put it in drive, get on the road and just go...

...it doesn't matter what any of us is looking for. we'll never find it because it's not even there.

i stole kool-aid from albertsons today. this probably seems to have romantic properties, but it really doesn't. they were the smallest things that could fit into my pocket that had vitamin C in them... and i need vitamin C lest i get scurvy. plus, i was all alone (which i typically am these days) so there were no jovial high fives or exciting glances to give to anyone before or after.

i got three flavors. Tropical Punch, Slammin' Strawberry Kiwi® and Changin' Cherry™. Changin' Cherry™ is of the Magic Twists™ variety of Kool-Aid®. supposedly, it changes color when mixed with water... but the powder seems to be green and when you mix it, the water turns blueish green and, i mean, it's really not exciting at all. and now that i look at the back of the packet, i notice that it only contains 10% vitamin C per serving...

oh well, as stolen things usually are, it was free. i hate to be one of those people who brag about something they've stolen, but here i am. *sigh*

also, my eyes hurt and feel completely used up and drained. i'm so physically and emotionally exhausted, but somehow i don't feel like going to bed (or couch) at 9:30.

just... talk about food or... something...

spent the evening with linzi and partially with james harrison? found out about the evil linzi and james harrison. later went dancing. john cassaday was there? what? life is weird when you draw comic books and have no money and every time you leave the house is like waking life. rode in a taxi with scott who gladly took my $453.20 and told me about his efforts to get good artists into scholastic. scott got out and I rode the rest of the way, not all the way, most of the way to my house, and being in a cab is like being underwater, like a submarine. but with breeze in your face through the open windows. they drive fast and do sneaky things, sneak up one way streets the wrong way, sneak around a red light by sort of turning right and then doing a u-turn like i always wanted to do but never had the guts. i got out a few blocks from my house, fifteen minutes walk, gave him ten bucks for the 9 dollar fare. i'm really tired and I have to get up early. talked to hope in the day, claire in the night. freaked out about watches. I don't get it. but i'm okay. it's alright. soon i'll be done and i can start. wish i had some money. i could go for some olives and a new stereo and a dvd player and an olympus e10. my scottish friend is named james and he thinks i should go to bristol next year for the comic con. now i'm considering it. wish I had some money. wish I was with you. the usual. regular life. i'm awake but not for long. goodnight.

dude.. i'm listening to the last smashing pumpkins concert that mal sent me... and its making me nostalgic and weird feeling-y. i used to listen to siamese dream on a tape all the time when i lived in tulare. it was like... all i ever did. that and play zelda:a link to the past (h... ha hah ahagga). and then we moved back to visalia and i bought almost every smashing pumpkins album ever. and then all of them totally got stolen at the beginning of this summer.

anyway... wait... i'm so tired. i want cereal so badly... and some crisps. jesus. some cheese and chive crisps.

you know, as much shit there is talked about comics being a "niche medium"..... at least we're not fucking "claymation artists". now there's a goddamn niche medium.

oh my god. dude... i... i totally knew it. they're only sending you their propaganda.

oh yeah, apparently alice is in love with marmite and now that i see the picture of that bottle, i remember seeing some in the mod. i might have even tried it... i don't really remember. mally said that it was salty and weird. but... alice really likes it? so... alice is crazy? or british? one of those, probably. maybe something else. these multiple choice quizes always have like... 3-4 possible answers.

Thank you for your enquiry via our website.
Unfortunately, we are unable to help with the specific information that you
require. Although we would like to help you further, I am sure you will
appreciate that we operate in a highly commercial market and it is not in
our interests to divulge our Company business plans. However, we are
arranging for an information pack to be sent to you, which we hope you will
find useful.
Thank you, once again, for taking the time to contact us.
Regards
Consumer Care Team
Walkers Snack Foods Limited

And the continuing story gets another piece (thank you fucking John): the Marmite FAQ

I sent the following to the crisps people (via e-mail) because I really need to know. I hope they answer. To my dismay I find that I've become a crackpot, I'm one of those letter-writing crackpots. It's all over.

Dear Walkers Crisps Company,

I was wondering if more information was available on the flavours of Walkers Crisps, such as: how flavours are selected; the kind of press coverage given to newly-released flavours; any sort of feedback or polling process to choose new flavours; and other related information that I may not have hit upon. I am doing a small study for personal reasons, because I find that crisp packaging and the corresponding company websites have not given me all the background information that I find to be essential.

Yours,
Bryan O'Malley

also found the following, which is a step in the right direction:
Here are Walkers top ten snacks:-
1) Walkers Cheese & Onion flavour Crisps
2) Walkers Ready Salted flavour Crisps
3) Walkers Salt & Vinegar flavour Crisps
4) Walkers Cheese Quavers
5) Walkers Prawn Cocktail flavour Crisps
6) Walkers Chicken flavour Crisps
7) Walkers Smokey Bacon flavour Crisps
8) Walkers Beef & Onion flavour Crisps
9) Walkers Pickled Onion Monster Munch
10) Walkers BBQ flavour Crisps

ok... so in a late breaking update to our continuing coverage of the chip story (crisps in the UK)... my one and only and dearest UK friend, some kid, who hails from scotland, sent me the link to walker's, which is the UK equivalent of Lays, and I found -- much to my chagrin -- that there are a shitload of flavours in the UK and they are pretty much all totally fucking insane. for your edification I will list them and provide a few telling comments:

Barbecue- we have this. I don't know if the UK version is different, but I cant stand the american kind, so i'm not too interested.
Beef & Onion- what the fuck? seriously? I cant even imagine what ... no, I can imagine it. and it sounds strangely great. I think I'm starting to salivate.
Cheese & Branston Pickle- apparently branston pickle is like, some kind of sandwich spread, and it's like pickled beets or something? so its not like "dill pickle", the american flavour. it's something entirely different. this one sounds like it could be fucking brilliant too.
Cheese & Chives- we have sour cream & chives, which I dont like, but I think cheese & chives could actually be good.
Cheese & Onion- this sounds so goddamn british. seriously. it's probably okay and I bet it goes good with batter fried fish. fish & chips! no, i'm sorry, fish & CRISPS.
Coronation Chicken- does this have something to do with the Queen? the package has a big union jack. the great thing is, just like the canadian site, they provide no information whatsoever as to what the flavours mean, who invented them, or why they exist. anyway, chicken chips (CRISPS) sound unpleasant.
Heinz Tomato Ketchup- we have this too, although I don't know if it's specifically Heinz. but only because I haven't checked, and I fucking hate ketchup chips. I shudder at them.
Marmite Yeast Extract- this is probably the most fucked one. WHAT THE FUCK IS A MARMITE? it sounds like some small mammal of the rodentia variety. and how does Walker's extract yeast from the poor little marmites?
Pickled Onion- this one decidedly sounds fucking brilliant, because I love pickled onions. like cocktail onions. I used to make this peanut butter and cocktail onion sandwich at my friend Chris McNally's house late at night, because they had pickled onions and nobody ever used them. then they told me that you're supposed to use them to put in martinis, or like, such things, and no shit nobody used them, you fucking jackass. but the thing is, the chip (CRISP) might not be good, it might be too salty. I like pickled onions, but I may not like pickled onion crisps. such is life.
Prawn Cocktail- this is the second most fucked up one, but only because I know what prawns are, and they're seafood. and cocktail? what? huh? wha? wh-? wh... h...hey... um...? no... I ... i... can't... I... stop it... dont... I dont want to think about it... cough cough... ugh... u... stop... let's... let's just move on... ugh... cough...
Ready Salted- i... I guess this is like salt and vinegar... possibly without vinegar? I interpret "ready salted" as meaning "you don't have to salt them, we did it for you," which is weird, because I do believe all chips have salt. for the same reason, I never understood the salt and vinegar flavour. its like when we bought the chips (CRISPS) the other day, I was like "get regular" and he was like "regular doesn't taste good unless you get dip." oh chris. pauvre petit chris. he just doesn't get it, does he? he just... doesn't... get it.
Roast Chicken- this sounds like coronation chicken. except un-crowned. again, chicken chips: bad news.
Salt & Vinegar- well shit, there goes my theory. anyway, yeah. the few times in my life I've ended up eating a salt & vinegar chip, I fucking regretted it. end of story.
Smoky Bacon- I remember bacon chips came out when I was a kid, and I was so fucking happy or excited or something. vaguely, I remember. but anyway, bacon chips never lived up to their promise, much like I assume pickled onion chips wouldn't. CRISPS. sorry.
Worcester Sauce- I dont even want to find out if this is good. worcestershire sauce is only good in cooking when mixed with other things. it's like Chris McNally's dad, Ray also McNally, makes this secret drink called MCNALLY RED EYE. which is a caesar with a secret blend of herbs and spices. and I think the secret is WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. because drinking one of those is like drinking WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE with a splash of vodka. my throat hurts just thinking about it. seriously. my point being, worcestershire sauce is only good in cooking when mixed with other things.

i've got this far and I only have one conclusion: as far as I know, THE WORKS! is still the best chip (CRISP) flavour, and I am still no closer to finding out who invented it, who thought it was a good idea, what kind of market testing they did, who was excited by it, and so many other burning questions. if you're reading this and you can help me, FUCKING HELP ME!

i seem to know a lot more about the fashion industry than i let on... i mean, i go and buy fashion magazines when i have money... and i've noticed that i used to be sort of nervous doing it because of the looks i might get, but now i realize that people don't seem to care at all. i mean, the occasional overly-masculine payless cashier might give me a quick awkward look, but at this point i guess i don't really care.

it has always bothered me when i would see people looking at fashion magazines and telling me of how they hated so-and-so model because they were so tall and skinny. i mean, obviously i hate it; i'm tall and skinny. ashwini was telling me that i was lanky the other day and that seemed sort of weird because i've never thought of myself as lanky. it's like... when i think of lanky, i think of olive oyle... or.. some... shit. do i look like olive oyle??

anyway, the thing is, i can find anyone attractive. i mean, i hate to sound really cheesy, but there are beautiful things about everyone. being physically attracted to someone always seems to be the easy part with me. of course there are the occasional people i see on the street who are striking, but most often thier personalities can make them instantly unattractive. i don't think most people realize that it's more difficult to find someone who you can relate to and be comfortable around than it is to find someone physically attractive. i think this is why i'm so picky... because i hardly relate to anyone (or anyone can hardly relate to me). there are just certain things that make it easy and that i know about... and after those things have been met, everything about the person becomes beautiful to me... and i guess they're things that can't be described or anything... and they aren't anything physical at all really... but all the supposed "flaws" actually become something that i love and wouldn't change about them ever. physical attraction is subjective... for me anyway. i can't speak for anyone else.

but fashion can seem really cold... and i also relate this to graphic design because, essentially, they are the same thing. graphic design is a very cold and calculated thing and can't even evoke an emotion unless the veiwer already has that emotional cognition... or whatever. i mean... maybe i'll get into this some other time. for now i'll go eat paste and check my .nu email to see how many people haven't ordered my cd.

Dude... I don't know how I feel about the fashion industry either. I deffinitely agree with Mal's confusion because I love fashion but the media seems to have this vendetta against me and my body and I really don't know what to think. Ew. Anyway the only reason I dislike the pictures on this design really is because you can tell that the little-red-panties girl obviously doesn't have any pubic hair, and that shit's just gross.

Uh, anyway, fashion... I love clothes, I love pretty things. But a lot of these pretty clothes are designed to look better on coat hangers than then are on women's bodies (or men's bodies for that matter). So they try to get the skinniest models possible. And there are some models that are really pretty (alek wek, anouck lepere or howeveryouspellit, kate moss), but there are a lot of models who are just fucked up looking (uh, stella tennant anyone?) and only became models because they are of the .05% of women in the world that have the kind of bodies necessary for model-hood. I think when someone is that size they will inevitably be approached by some modeling agent who says, "hey, dollface, you have a RESPONSIBILITY to be a model because if all of the tall skinny women in the world don't get together and model, we might have to start using fat cows like ally mcbeal, and the diet industry would be none too happy about that." The standards are so absurd that they make TV and film actresses look like incredibly realistic standards of beauty (which they are not). Like, there's nothing wrong with tall and skinny people; there's just something wrong with everyone thinking that they have to be tall and skinny to be beautiful when there are so many obviously beautiful people who are not tall and skinny.

And it's not just about tallness and skinniness; it's about youth and wealth, and hairlessness (which I could write an entire book on), and class and race and gender because everything is about class and race and gender, right? Right.

Anyway, what I mean to say is that the problem about the objectification/oppression of women THESE days is not so much that we aren't allowed to do what we want; instead it's that our wants and needs are changed and shaped by society into self-destructive and self-hating wants and needs. This happens to men too, and everyone else, but it happens in sorta different ways depending on (like I said before) your race and class and gender, and other factors too.

Speaking of tall and skinny people, everyone should buy Jacob's CD so he can go out and buy some food. I think out of the 4 of us on this site, Jacob is most likely to be a model, because he is tall and skinny and has cheekbones. He needs to be Discovered, so he can Make Millions. Or thousands, or hundereds even. Whatever.

i'm so... hungry? and i don't have any money or food? i guess i'll go... sleep?

oh yeah... for god's sake, everyone order jacob's album.

oh... and like... I guess they put up my sister's band Quentin on NMC. I have been uploading songs for her and it's been giving me an unbelievable amount of shit. but anyway, two songs are up now. more to come.

just for the record... I don't like, condone the objectification of women or anything. I mean, I found that picture on a site that evidently condones the objectification of women, specifically models, as sex objects or art objects or fashion plates or whatever they want to use themselves as. I mean, when I see a picture like that, I can't say I get uneasy. I have thoughts like what's she doing? why is she doing this? did someone see her in a club or on the street one day and just go "jesus, you are coming with me, and we are getting you nearly naked and taking pictures and putting them in magazines and making millions"? mally told us about a guy she used to know who had an experience just like that. he was homeless or something and some angelic being saw his face and decided he was beautiful model material and now we see him in "V" magazine. and sometimes I think hey, they're young and beautiful and it won't last forever, so now's probably as good a time as any to prance around in your underwear in fashion magazines, right? but then I don't know. it's all fucked up. the fashion industry confuses me, obviously, and I don't know what to think. are they happy? are we happy? should I be jealous of this girl and her little red panties, or should she be jealous of me?

but really, I could care less. all I condone for sure is little red panties. I am definitely a proponent of little red panties.

I've never been naked with anyone but for once. oh, and the doctor saw my pee-pee.

mal made a design... i... i think i'm kind of uneasy about it...

it's weird for me to see girls i don't know naked or in their underwear anymore. i think i like nakedness, but only on people that i... know pretty well? i think it's my whole fear of using people or objectifying people. like... i know i've objectified people before, but i always notice it and feel horribly guilty after the fact.

there was this incident a long time ago where i went skinny dipping with these two girls and this guy. i didn't really know the girl that well and the other girl was my best friend at the time. the other guy felt really inadequate as soon as his clothes went off and ran away. but it was like... even though we were naked, it seemed like we totally still had clothes on. just skin colored clothes. i think it was completely the opposite of a sexual experience. it was weird.

wait... i don't think this was a typical emo or ironic delerium post. d... dude?

i was eating these chips. chris buys these chips. crisps in the UK. there is only one kind that i like other than plain: "the works" i think it is called. "loaded baked potato taste!" it proclaims. that is the only information they give you. I get to wondering, who decided that the works was a good chip flavour? was there significant demand for loaded baked potato taste? do they do surveys, polling? see, when "all dressed" came out many years ago, I thought that's what it would be like. you know. covered with all the stuff. a mish mash of many flavours. but it's not. all dressed is like, I don't even know. it's not all dressed at all. it's at most semi-dressed. I looked at the ingredients on all dressed and it's like "sodium acetate" and "acetic acid" and stuff. what the fuck? at least the works has things like "bacon fat" and "butter" in its ingredients. so anyway. yeah. i get to wondering. i wonder about things.

so I went to www.fritolay.ca in an effort to find out more. and all it says about THE WORKS! is that it is an exciting new flavour launched in 1999. I... don't get it! who is excited by it? who WAS excited by it? did they put out press releases? did they describe the excitement of THE WORKS! to the press, or the general public? are these press releases archived somewhere? i think i must dig deeper. I must definitely dig deeper. this isnt over, mr. frito lay. this is only the beginning.

also, when you pee, and flush the toilet, then go to wash your hands... does it ever feel kind of like maybe the pee is just going through the pipes and out the tap and onto your hands?

here check out this song

official notice that delerium officially moved to http://www.floate.com/delerium/ officially. please change your official links and bookmarks. thank you mOm.

[official jacob ed.: http://delerium.floate.com works again also]

rey: i cant stand my fucking room
rey: i cant draw in here anymore!!!!
rey: i think i need to lern FENG SHUE
rey: lern. heh
mal: go to the fucking library
rey: to learn about FENG SHUE?>?????
mal: yeah
rey: dude
rey: i totally should
rey: i'll be a BETTER PERSON
mal: i tried that once
mal: being a better person
mal: its worth a shot
rey: maybe it's time i consider like, making something good out of myself
rey: why cant i be wearing scarves in seattle walking around with my cappucino????
mal: who the fuck knows????
rey: im sitting at my parents house, talking to YOU, my crotch smells!!!! FUCK THIS!!!!!
mal: SHOWER for chrissakes!!!!!!
rey: HAAAAAAAAAAAA
rey: thats not a bad idea
rey: maybe i can JO while im in there

god... news sux. i guess there are all these people who wake up everyday and are totally determined to do something "big" and "important" to make "news". it's like... jesus... whatever. why can't everyone just sleep a lot and play nintendo all the time?

claire: I don't fear needles at all.
claire: I go to a clinic sometimes for a flu shot, or whatever, and the nurses always expect me to be scared.
claire: and then I get a lolly pop. FOR NOTHING.
claire: needles are my friends.
mal: they give you a lolly pop?
claire: my pointy friends.
mal: you are so brave.
mal: such bravery.
claire: I... I usually just take a lolly pop.
claire: I mean, they're there, right?
mal: are they?
mal: i... don't know.
claire: yeah. they're usually around.
claire: I just demand one.

i made a decision... i went into the kitchen? and i made a decision. the decision was peanut butter, garlic hummus, cheddar cheese and chopped onions... and milk... and vitamins... at 3 AM... okay...?

also, i got Joe Louis..es... and... I'm going to eat them all, by god. they're... not as good as I remember them being when I was a kid and I could only get them by stealing them or trading them with other kids, because never not once did my mom buy that crap. she was a health nut when I was young. nowadays she'd buy them for me. I CAN AFFORD THEM MYSELF NOW MOM.

i guess we... moved? this will soon be "floate.com/delerium"? but for now it's "bakedtomato.com/~floate/delerium/"? i think so?

and i heart mally also. really. she's great. i had a lot of time to find out how great she is. she's kind of crazy sometimes, but no more than i am really. yeah. i wish everyone could love her like i do...

I heart jacob.

and I think I'm never gonna talk again. like, ever.

a new album is now available in an undetermined limited run from me. you can check out the track list and some songs here. it's called roll the camera, wake up, turn on the radio. it will come with a full sleeve and other fun things, probably.

i'm charging a flat $12 per cd... and that should cover shipping and printing and the cd and everything... and i guess if people order more than one, i'll discount it even more. send me an email and we'll work things out.

IT SUCKS NOT FITTING IN WITH ANYONE. BUT NOT EVEN FITTING IN BECAUSE YOU'RE "WEIRD" OR "ARTISTIC" BUT JUST NOT FITTING IN CAUSE YOU'RE AT THIS REALLY MUNDANE LEVEL OF NORMALCY AND DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO LAUGH AT OR WHAT TO CRY AT.

IN OTHER WORDS: FUCK

i was going to watch vanilla sky but ryan came home and started shagging his bird and the TV is in ryan's room and also it's his movie, he rented it. so i can't watch it. so fuck.

right now i'm reading this big fat french comic called L'AUTOROUTE DU SOLEIL by Baru, my new favorite artist. it's really excellent. I don't get why there's so many great cartoonists in other countries and the ones here are all shitty, or weird, or half formed and can only draw but not tell stories or write dialogue. except Paul Pope. i mean, american comics put out some really nice collaborative efforts, like 100 BULLETS (I finally read volume 4 today), but still. there's no Baru. there's no Herge. there's no Tezuka. whine whine whine. I wish i could draw. I wish i was a great pop song.

I bought two Duotang CDs yesterday. I thought there were only two but i was wrong. I'm missing the 2nd CD. Duotang is pretty rockin'. they're called Duotang because there's only two guys, a bassist and a drummer. which I guess makes them like Local H (shudder). but they're Canadian and indie and sort of mod, and they're cool. they're somewhere between Jets to Brazil and Novillero, to my ears. probably because Novillero has the same singer.

dismal self portrait for inclusion in a publication: click

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i have since gotten two more marmalades bringing the grand total to 6. the last two are both pretty interesting. one is a hero swiss orange bitter, which is actually bitter. i was having it with breakfast this morning and it was like a bad taste in my mouth. rock on. the last one so far is robertson's ginger marmalade. it is made with just ginger and sugar and pectin, and it's like huh? i thought the entire principle of marmalade was that it was like citrus fruits with the peel. that is the thing that distinguishes marmalade from other forms of preserves. but anyway, the robertson's ginger marmalade is just ginger. chunks of ginger, and gingery goo. it's unique. it's not as good as the australian buderim ginger lemon & lime marmalade (still the champion) but robertson's is the queen's official marmaladery, or whatever, and you can't take that too lightly. their golden shred is quite good. my jar is about empty. they also have silver shred (lemon), thick cut, and scotch, and maybe other types that I don't know or forgot. I guess after writing this paragraph I am a motherfucking marmalade enthusiast. someone stop me. jesus god aaaaaa.

L0cke: sal barbier!
L0cke: swamp rat!
L0cke: and super good!
L0cke: age?
mal: wh...what???
L0cke: 20
L0cke: you have a job or anything?
L0cke: no mam, just a vagrant.
L0cke: ahahaha
L0cke: shut up man!
L0cke: bwwwaaaaaaaahhhnnnnnrrrrrrreeeerrrr
L0cke: work it ouuuuuttt~~!!!
L0cke: im like a star~~~
L0cke: in the desert suun~~~~
L0cke: ur like a thief on a midnight ruun~~!!!
L0cke: >:O
mal: >:O
L0cke: tell me why
L0cke: tell me why
L0cke: tell me what u want~~!

apolloniaNO: hey prety
imasillygerl: hey dear
apolloniaNO: whats the shizzle my nizzle?
apolloniaNO: so i says to him i says
imasillygerl: nothing you?
apolloniaNO: yo whats the deal with this pie
apolloniaNO: and he says to me
apolloniaNO: he says, with this look in his eye like i had offended him deeply
apolloniaNO: he says "what are you talking about?"
apolloniaNO: and im like "dude, i dunno. i was just expecting something more tangable. perhaps i had high expectations."
apolloniaNO: thats when he slapped me.
apolloniaNO: yeah
imasillygerl: yeah.
apolloniaNO: lets have an intelligent conversation
apolloniaNO: perhaps we could talk about the deficit
apolloniaNO: do you iraq is to blame???
apolloniaNO: THINK
apolloniaNO: EXCUSE ME. HA HA.
imasillygerl: heh.
apolloniaNO: heh
apolloniaNO: leah
apolloniaNO: i want your body.
imasillygerl: nu uh
apolloniaNO: i want to hear unstable panting and hollow breath.... i want this feeling to be sweaty and surreal
apolloniaNO: what the fuck am i talking about
apolloniaNO: did you know
apolloniaNO: i am just about the best you can get
apolloniaNO: in terms of 20 year old guys
apolloniaNO: im the creme de le creme, baby
apolloniaNO: and im not just talking shit.
apolloniaNO: it's like, what the fuck.... why be modest. i'm pretty fucking cool. excuse me. im pretty freaking cool.
apolloniaNO: if you freak a fuck does it become a fruck???
apolloniaNO: man, it's not even a big deal. it's not something we must think about. let's just live our lives.... drink, eat, sleep, get FAT and MERRY.
apolloniaNO: fucking TAXES and MORTGAGE and RE-FURBISHING..... who needs all this?? not i.
apolloniaNO: does this make me sound smart? i should hope fucking not.
apolloniaNO: lets focus on what's important.
apolloniaNO: you and me, sitting in a tree.
apolloniaNO: i think we'd be good for eachother.
apolloniaNO: at least for a year.
apolloniaNO: after that, it could go either way.
apolloniaNO: it is in god's hands as they say.
apolloniaNO: but im sure we could weasel our felangies in there somehow. prying apart his kUNG-FU GRIP manually?
apolloniaNO: i'm totally sober, by the way.
apolloniaNO: i could never think of this stuff if i was faded.

i think i'm a sucker... or something. or, no, i'm just hopeful. everytime i get an email with "Hi!" as the subject from an unfamiliar name, i always click it hoping it's a friendly person that knows me. but, it's totally always porn. that disappoints me. i always try to reason with myself, saying that maybe this time it's someone i know and they just decided to be clever and change their email name to something else... but no... always porn. and it's always shameless and makes me feel unimportant... because they always get my name wrong and call me john or dave. they could at least do without the names and cleverly dance around the fact that they don't know mine. i'm just saying they could try a little harder is all. like, here is an example of a porn spam i would write:

hey, it's been a while... things have been good for me. you probably don't remember me that well... we met briefly in a bookstore. i've been travelling around europe for a year. god, it's been so long... i bet you hardly remember meeting me. we exchanged email addresses because we had a mutual friend or something (i vaguely recall it now), but it seemed like you were distracted by another one of your friends at the time (so i'm sure this is even more vague for you). i guess it seems odd for someone you hardly know to contact you like this. the reason i did was because i'm in town for a week or so. i don't really know anyone and you seemed to be one of the only people on my list from around here. wait, maybe you'll remember me by my picture (XXX LINK). remember me now????

i guess it would be exciting if it was someone i actually knew sending me naked pictures. it would most likely be sort of awkward in almost every instance... but it would always be exciting and interesting, i'm sure. naked people are fun.

yeah... i just don't have anything to say. i have a cold. i've been drinking orange juice, taking antihistamines of some sort, chomping echinacea and vitamin C. eating terribly. that is all. thanks.

find a way to break free move on this can't be it. we're so much more than this mass of sex and drugs. we're small peas trying to be great trees. what's wrong with that?

there's this site... and like... it archives everything. i found out about it from adam's site... somehow, it archived floate.com and delerium.floate.com for a few months... some without images, but whatever. it almost makes me feel like it's back from the dead. it's also really strange to read old delerium posts in the old designs...

the best days i've had are the ones that i've wasted...

also, there was another culkin in The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys... and macaulay is in that Party Monster movie... i guess he like... kills people. kind of like he did in The Good Son, except i'm sure there's a lot more partying and true story-ing going on...

i saw this E True Hollywood Story about macaulay culkin when i was in massachusetts... and... wait... i don't even have anything interesting to say about it. actually, this entire subject seems to be less interesting than it was a few minutes ago. i'm so so sorry... to all of you... and especially to the culkins.

me: i'm a weakling.
me: my entire family goes to the gym now.
me: they're all getting buff and toned and huge.
me: except me.
you: you need to feel the funk.
me: I'm the family creampuff.
you: feel the funk, Mal.
me: i can't feel the funk.
you: feel the funk.
me: it eludes me.
me: the funk, it is elusive.
you: I'm feelin it.

me: i thought of him as the newly-manufactured culkin.
me: i think it's funny.
me: they build them.
you: he is the last one, isn't he?
me: i don't know.
me: i think they could make more.
you: no. no. it has to dry up sometime.
me: it was distracting to me, but only for the first few minutes. then i forgot.
you: I forgot too.
me: i got absorbed in the machinations of the movie.
you: machinations.
me: I liked Mel Gibson in it. I totally forgot that he's ever played a badass.
me: I really did.
you: he kept crying.
me: i was like "he's great. what a straitlaced guy, Mel."
you: I'd get upset.
you: he kept CRYING all the time.
me: Mel?
me: he did?
you: it was sad. it was well played.
you: yes.
you: don't you remember?
me: i think so.
you: he would almost cry and then he would seriously weep.
me: but all the time?
you: well, no.
you: okay. no.
me: okay. god. phew.
you: but still, I was tense.

Catherine & Christine Norrie are inking my shit for Hopeless Savages #3. It looks totally sweet. This is my favorite page so far, although the second half of the issue all pretty much brings the rock. It's easily and obviously the best issue of the series. I guess I wasn't meant to ink this stuff.

I just found out today is thursday. dude... we should put the day on the ... oh wait... i just looked and i realized we DO have the day on delerium dates. shit. i guess i'm just retarded. i'm trying to figure out where it all went wrong. i'm sure i knew tuesday was tuesday, but i think when I woke up on wednesday I thought wednesday was also tuesday. I have been living a delusional life since then. now I am finally awake and I realize that i double-booked my plans for thursday. whatever man. this is bullshit. i wish i could be like david watts. fafafafa fa fa fa fa.

i shaved off my sideburns today. it was weird. they haven't been gone for so long... i mean... wait... no, i'm serious, there were actual sideburns there. i mean, there was the hair that went over them that always made the fake sideburns, but seriously, there were sideburns... and i shaved them off.

i just keep doing things to me. just to see what would happen. nothing really happened, i guess. i just don't have sideburns anymore... here's a picture:

dude... i'm 78% compatible with mal...

now...

how compatible are you with me??

or whatever...

okay... wait. i guess i made a new design. i should credit erika because that's totally her chest at the top.

so, to recap: pictures from mal's camera, pictures from rey's camera.

i think we're still sort of commenting on the pictures or whatever, so like... you can keep coming back for more amusing anecdotes. it's almost like we want to keep people coming back... but really, it's just because we're too lazy to do it all at once. or whatever.

get me out of here. where the hell is a good place to live? tell me. i'll go anywhere that won't make me want to go into a coma.

list of things i got at the convention.

stuff i paid for:

"hell babies" by junko mizuno

4 buttons from Giant Robot (2 dave choe designs, one that just says "SAWTELLE", and another one I gave to Jacob)

a little tomato guy to go on my keychain

"ragnarok" manga by kotobuki vols 1-2

a copic sketchbook with the best paper ever

4 copic markers

"bunny town" #1 by will allison

4 copies of the spider man book i did, from K.B. toys

stuff that i didn't pay for:

"COMIC" by liz prince (liz prince gave it to me)

"mostly acquisitions" by erika, dylan, and others (erika gave it to me)

"washouts" #1 (found it on a cafeteria table)

"extreme" #1 (given away at the curtis comic booth)

chapman's dead dog party button (given to attendees of the chapman's dead dog party, now on the strap of my bag)

a mix tape from jacob (given to me by jacob)

a strange clip thing (given to me by FSC)

a bag o' markers (given to me by bronwyn)

two hello kitty notepad things (given to me by bronwyn and/or FSC)

here's those pictures.

future shop doesn't have any of the compactflash card readers that i want in stock. they only have the inferior, more expensive, non-name-brand version. so i can't get my pictures off the camera yet. i need to find other stores that don't suck so bad. staples has a verbatim one for 39.99 but the sandisk one is supposed to be 29.99 and still looks better!!

vague flashes of convention, in pairs: steve & sabina, death & delirium (coming soon to delerium), bronwyn & caitlin, james & jamie, jacob & freaking out, hotels & fucking us over, money & spending it, pink & vinyl, ragnarok volume 1 & ragnarok volume 2, neil shaffer & daniel krall, sketches & copics, jen van meter & christine norrie, andi watson & adorable british accents, bengus & akiman, long vo & not signing, lou ferrigno & ryan solski, all you can eat sushi & too much, the parking lot & my face, corey lewis & tits, the oni table & that girl kattie, alan tew & HOLY SHIT! ALAN TEW!, jacob & circling the shmoozefest, floors & sleeping on them, etc, etc, etc.

i drew so much crap that i could do a really great website update, but obviously i drew it all in other peoples' books. i think i did 40-50 sketches for various people. some of them were crap and some of them were pretty. at some point i started shading with copics and it was really wonderful. maybe i'll do a few "con sketch" type drawings for the website while i'm still buzzing. i got a copic sketchbook with the best paper ever so i guess i could use that.

as soon as i get a card reader to circumvent the hewlett packard "128 meg cards don't work in our cameras in windows XP" bullshit, i will put up my photos too. rey's, of course, are here.

no one sent me any e-mails while i was gone either. no.. hang on.. i got one from jacob. i got like 30 e-mails but they were all crap. technically i got one other e-mail from someone i love but it was only one line and i can't mention her. but i did. okay, that's all.

i had my teeth filed today... and suddenly they look normal. it's weird... i filed off a big chunk of my front tooth. i've always been paranoid about my teeth... and now they look a little more okay. also, since the tooth is in a different shape now, i can't bite my nails as well. that's a good thing, i think. my next goal is to make the yellow cap on my tooth white.

god... teeth are stupid.

yeah dudes. im glad we all made it through that alive.

hey man

so, i'm back... mal and rey are still in san diego. the XD kids might still be on thier way home. for some reason i don't remember too much about it all right now. i remember going to the Hyatt last night and playing a short game of camera tag with fsc (resulting in about a million pictures of her on mal's camera) and circling the crowd of the scmoozefest that was happening below us exactly three times quickly without talking to anyone and i think it was just as surreal for everyone at the party as it was for me the third time around.

there were many moments that were very typically traumatizing and apocalyptic... there are pictures... like... so so many pictures. on mal and corey's respective cameras. i'm sure they'll display them all when they get back. or... whatever.

now i'm back in visalia... no one sent me any emails while i was gone... i mean... not that i expected any. or anything.

now i guess i should start actually deciding where i'll move.