N0RTHGIRL999: hey there, jacob
deleriumhead: j... JESUS
deleriumhead: aaaaaaaaaaaaa
N0RTHGIRL999: (all seductive like) do you know who I am?
deleriumhead: a... are you the girl who was watching me swim?!?!?
N0RTHGIRL999: bad guess, Mr. Wooden Head

deleriumhead: w.. wait! i... i totally read the book! you're... you're posie's sister!!!
N0RTHGIRL999: um... no!... I mean...
deleriumhead: i totally figured it out... kind of...
deleriumhead: maybe i should have held out for the cyber-sex part...
N0RTHGIRL999: and then I would have been able to sign off quickly
deleriumhead: and then i would have been all, "northgirl?? northgirl?????"
N0RTHGIRL999: NORTHGIRL999 IS NOT AVAILABLE
deleriumhead: :[

deleriumhead: w... wait... w... who is this? really??!
N0RTHGIRL999: you have to guess...

deleriumhead: okay, let's play 20 questions...
N0RTHGIRL999: alright...
deleriumhead: okay... uhh...
deleriumhead: what's your name!
deleriumhead: ?
N0RTHGIRL999: I reserve the right to not answer ones that I don't want to...
N0RTHGIRL999: ok...
N0RTHGIRL999: northgirl.
deleriumhead: d... DUDE.
deleriumhead: okay... what name were you legally born with!!!??
N0RTHGIRL999: umm,
N0RTHGIRL999: northgirl
deleriumhead: o... okay...

deleriumhead: if a train was travelling at 40 miles an hour from washington DC, and another one was travelling at 30 miles an hour from Los Angeles...
deleriumhead: WHO ARE YOU?!?!
N0RTHGIRL999: well, in that very specific case (where a train was travelling at 40 miles per hour from Washington DC and another one was travelling at 30 miles an hour from Los Angeles), and in that case only, I would be mariah carey.
N0RTHGIRL999: but alas, that is not the case, so in the real world, i am...
N0RTHGIRL999: northgirl.

deleriumhead: you know, now that i think about it... this could totally be part of the plot of a halloween movie...
deleriumhead: next thing i know, you'll be telling me the AIMs are coming from inside the house... and that i should "get out of the house!!!"
N0RTHGIRL999: hehe
N0RTHGIRL999: yes, it's coming from inside your house...
N0RTHGIRL999: you'd better run
deleriumhead: okay... i'm running...
deleriumhead: n.. no wait... i'm still here... typing...
deleriumhead: this is hard...

deleriumhead: w... woah... you... you're testing me?
deleriumhead: this is like Kung Fu... except, not...
N0RTHGIRL999: how do you mean, testing you?
deleriumhead: to see if i'm worthy? we must fight! or... in this case.. chat!
N0RTHGIRL999: i have to see if you're over SOPHIE
N0RTHGIRL999: but it doesn' t matter if we chat, because i'll know when you are
N0RTHGIRL999: because i watch you
deleriumhead: y... you watch me??
N0RTHGIRL999: i know all about you
N0RTHGIRL999: and you'll never know who i am
deleriumhead: all about me?
N0RTHGIRL999: all about you.
deleriumhead: are you psychic?
*** N0RTHGIRL999 signed off at Fri Nov 01 03:30:10 2002.
deleriumhead: AHHH
*** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on

i had this dream that i made a hit candy pop dance tune last night. it would have made me the next justin timberlake. like, totally.

i woke up right when some producer was trying to seduce me into a contract while snowboarders were grinding rails behind us. and then i busted a phat trick on a rail... while my song played on in the background. and people danced.

actually, not really. the producer seducing me was the last part of the dream. i felt like mariah carey in glitter.

deleriumhead: i mean... jesus... yeah... it scared the shit out of me... the little boy...
meghanmeghanmeg: :)

meghanmeghanmeg: 'kinder' means children
meghanmeghanmeg: so it's supposed to be good for children... or something...
meghanmeghanmeg: because it has a lot of milk in it
deleriumhead: i certainly hope this is a painting of a child... because, if it's a photo, i'll never ever go to germany...
meghanmeghanmeg: I... can't tell
meghanmeghanmeg: I can't stop laughing, though
deleriumhead: it's so creepy...
deleriumhead: jesus... he wants to eat me...
meghanmeghanmeg: .....
deleriumhead: he wants to cut my body up and make me into little kinder treats...
meghanmeghanmeg: .......
meghanmeghanmeg: ..
meghanmeghanmeg: .....
meghanmeghanmeg: ......
meghanmeghanmeg: eh
meghanmeghanmeg: I"m really sorry, but I have to go to sleep
deleriumhead: schokolade
deleriumhead: okay... hopefully the german boy won't eat me tonight...
meghanmeghanmeg: alright, if I don't hear from you I'll know who it was.

i've been doing nothing but watching IFC and sundance in between looking for a shitty temp job for the past few days.

and, oh yeah, eating doritos. i've been eating a lot of doritos.

i've also started taking random vitamins from my mother's cabinet just to see what would happen... nothing is really happening. i was kind of hoping i would accidentally find a magical combination that would transform me into some mild mannered unassuming superhero, but like, i totally didn't.

a product of chicken, wine, cheesy drum loops, boredom, a blatant disregard for any sort of structure, and one whole night alone in the house:

faux photos - all the kids

okay so, you know, someday i'll get out of this place and i'll be a big megaton firecracker.

and i'll know that my friends were the ones that stuck by me even when i was a depressed little pilot light.

and, yeah okay, to be fair, some of the ones that didn't stick by me must have had their reasons and are my friends also.

eventually i will be back to my sentimental optimistic self. maybe not right away... but... eventually.

my mother watched Breakfast at Tiffanys for the first time today. she said she liked audrey hepburn because she was gorgeous, but she didn't like the movie because she was flaky and she stole things.

somehow, i can imagine my mother being really old, forgetting how to speak english and only knowing swear words in italian. and i'll somehow develop a brooklyn accent and have to take care of her. she'll hit people over the head with her cane in grocery stores and i'll have to say, "ma... ma! ma, stop it! c'mon ma, fo'get about it ma! c'mon ma, lets go home. c'mon ma."

i know it seems ridiculous (no part of our family is italian), but by my calculations, there is a 90% chance of this happening.

i started a band last night. distance rock.

i washed the car today.

i should redesign this thing.

i need an adventure.

they keep showing david lynch films on IFC. particularly The Straight Story and Twin Peaks. i'm honestly not sure what to think of lynch, and i'll reserve my judgments here, but i do know that i came away from watching Twin Peaks momentarily freaked out.

that might also be because i'm all alone for the weekend. my mother went away to some far away place (probably to meet some stud from match.com, i'm sure).

i guess that means i should have a party. so, yeah. party. you're all invited. byob or whatever.

the refridgerator is making mechanical sounds. this isn't normal. usually it makes very organic sounds like the whine of an injured puppy dog. i'm sort of scared.

i really wish people would send me letters or packages or something. i mean, the refridgerator is my best friend right now and... what if it dies? it sounds like it's dying. and if it survives, i don't think it will ever be the same. i'm really scared. i need comfort.

the local albertsons started to use savings cards (the little scanable coupon cards). this gave me sudden flashbacks of working at price chopper in great barrington. price chopper called them "AdvantEDGE" cards, as if having the cards gave you some kind of EDGE over the non-existant competition.

every time i go to the grocery store, i want to give a knowing nod to the checker and say, "yeah, i was a checker once..." but then i realize that if anyone told me that while i was working as a checker, i wouldn't have cared at all.

oh, the albertsons closes at midnight. that's just... ridiculous. there aren't any stores in town that stay open 24 hours a day. it's so sad.

dinosaur jr. - get me

dasbates: my roomate has no soul
dasbates: he went to see medea
dasbates: i was there as well
deleriumhead: did you eat his soul?
dasbates: he was incapable of telling me how a great piece of art made him feel.
deleriumhead: well, he's obviously a robot...
dasbates: no soul.
dasbates: it's one thing not to like a show
deleriumhead: you should try to drown him or set him on fire... i'm sure that's how you test whether these things are true or not...
dasbates: it's another to need to go through a systems analysis to tell if you liked it or not.
dasbates: that's witches dude
dasbates: souls you just plug them into a power outlet and see if they glow.
deleriumhead: well... yeah, but you might as well try it...
deleriumhead: i mean... why not?
dasbates: even if it doesn't work, i'll have a single.

the server was broken for a while. now it's fixed.

i need some cereal really badly. but we don't have any.

i also need to send some packages and such out today.

i bought some bubble wrap and a Super sharpie yesterday. super sharpies are bigger and can write faster than a speeding bullet. longs drugs has a great selection of office supplies that had me fairly excited.

i should shower.

i don't think anyone quite understands why i'm going so crazy here. i couldn't explain it unless you were actually here. of course, if you were actually here, i wouldn't be this crazy, so i still wouldn't be able to explain it. i guess you'll just have to take my word for it.

trying to find new music to download is such a monumental task on dial-up. mainly because you have to be willing to spend hours downloading music just to see if you like it or not. reading reviews is a good way to at least find the names of new bands, but they won't help at all in telling you if the music is any good or not. musical tastes are so arbitrary and dependent on circumstance and time and place. honestly. you can't trust anything critics say.

anyway, i have about 20 songs waiting in queue to be downloaded. i seem to like most of the music i download on some level, but there are only a few that i've really liked. da.

or, it could be possible that cigarettes and wine make you cry more than usual and be just melodramatic enough to say that it's because of your heart. i like pretending that my heart is a major player in this game and not just an organ. poor heart. poor poor heart.

i'm writing a book. i'm pretty far into it now. i finished an album, now i think i can finish this. it's possible that it's not very good, but i'm doing it. mainly because i need to. i may try to send the chapters out in monthly photocopied zine-like installments, but that remains to be seen. i wish i could somehow survive on some magical income and send the things i do for free out to everyone in the world. or something.

"sigh" just doesn't seem to even come close these days.

i can understand the appeal of cigarettes and wine. one burns your lungs while the other burns your stomach. the long term effects can be detrimental, but the immediate effects are by far better than the pull of frustration and hopelessness. loneliness and rejection burns the chest and stomach also, but in quite a different way. in a way that is unbearable. cigarettes and wine are a blanket for all of this - covering up what is unwanted, keeping it warm. it's an easy escape. a dangerous one.

cigarettes and wine: substituting for love, hundreds of years.

will someone come and take me away from this place? i mean, seriously. jesus christ. i'm not kidding.

i sort of wish that mirah's person person was written for me.

trying to download 20-30 songs at a time on dial-up is absurd. but, somehow it still seems justifiable.

i've been disconnected about 15 times tonight... usually i get disconnected because people call... that makes me like... totally double upset. double. i miss a call and my downloading is interrupted. what if someone was calling me? i mean, no, okay... no one would really be calling me, but like... what if?? da??

i had dsl once and i would always make fun of people who had dial-up. i want to go back in time and beat my smug dsl self up.

eating with chopsticks seems so much more exciting than eating with a fork.

i'm apparently watching nightmare on elm street 3... when i was a little kid at the babysitters, the older kids would always watch nighmare on elm street marathons... and they totally terrified me. i'm... not sure why? this is the most ridiculous movie ever? i think so? maybe not as bad as serendipity, but still pretty bad? yeah...

the weather is trying my patience, i'm sure of it. i can feel the drops of water hanging from the clouds, stretching just far enough down to frustrate me - then sucking it back up. i need it to rain. i really do.

also, someone should either buy for me or burn for me The Album Leaf's An Orchestrated Rise To Fall and send it to me. i need rain music also.

deleriumhead: yeah... like, i'm learning new sleeping manuevers...
deleriumhead: like... advanced sleep...
dasbates: ap sleep?
dasbates: tantric sleep?
deleriumhead: Xtreme sleep?
dasbates: sleep where you do the shit you were going to do during the day so you have more time to sleep?
dasbates: laugh...
dasbates: sleep marathons?
deleriumhead: yeah, like, i'll wake up sometimes in the middle of it all, just to surprise you... and then i'll do a double roll back into sleep...
dasbates: dude. that's not even safe. do you have a spotter?
deleriumhead: no way... if i had aspotter, i wouldn't feel comfortable calling it Xtreme...
dasbates: what if the spotter was blind?
deleriumhead: d... dude... jesus...
deleriumhead: i guess if it was a blind one legged midget, then yeah, okay...
dasbates: well, yeah, that's standard practice.
deleriumhead: actually, i should maybe start getting into Xtreme awake...
deleriumhead: i'm not really sure what that entails, though...
dasbates: usually an overdose of some kind
deleriumhead: woah...

there are few things i actually have down. i thought sleep was one of them, but honestly, i'm really bad at it. i'm good at being melodramatic and idiotic. i'm good at feeling things that are unrequited. lately, i've been learning the art of the cynic. sometimes i wish someone would knock on the door and slap me in the face, telling me that i have no idea what i'm saying... not only that, but proving me wrong. lately i really long to be proven wrong.

singing songs gives you an excuse to scream without being dragged away...

unless you're james brown.

the vines seem to remind me of what kurt cobain would sound like if he teamed up with sebadoh. except for the fact that the lead seems to have a regular singing voice that's not as raspy.

the white stripes go well with the smell of almond laced coffee. if i had money to spare, i might buy white blood cells.

i listened to these bands on horrible borders headphones. borders doesn't ever seem to have any music that i'm actually looking for - which, at times, makes me feel like a pretentious indie scenster or something (that's kind of funny because i'm not part of any physical scene). it also makes me wonder if there are kids in town buying these things... because i don't know any of them or where they would ever be...

afterwards i sat down against a wall to look through POP and a few other design, fashion, art and journalism magazines.

finding forrester seems like a decent movie about writing and, i think, has some nice anecdotes about the writing process.

my mom described my music as "alternative" the other day. that struck me as really strange and i didn't know how to react. also, some kid from my mom's class apparently bought one of my cds.

i've been having dreams that i wish i wouldn't have. about old girlfriends and things they might do without me now. some of it naughty and some of it not... and i woke up and felt really sad. not because they were in sexual situations with other people (though, really, i can't believe this. at least in real life i can try to think of something else, but now my head is making up elaborate subconscious imagery for it all), but when i saw their faces, they were so amazingly happy. happier than i can ever remember them being with me. in a dream i suppose you can actually measure the happiness. but it was a happiness that filtered the thought of me from it. it was a happiness without me. not just happy; happy without me.

and i'm afraid of that... a lot i think. afraid that i don't actually make anyone happy. somewhere along the line, it became important for me to make people happy. but i seem to fail at that constantly. when it comes down to it, when it's really personal and close - i fail. and it hurts so much because i try so incredibly hard.

and the feelings are mixed. i obviously don't want them to be unhappy... but, i don't know. i guess in my perfect world, in my cheesy world, i'd be just special enough to make them happy.

i guess i talk about it too much, also. i'm passive-aggressive, apparently.

umm... *sigh*?

some people watch a movie once, say they love it and never watch it again. some people will watch a movie, say they love it and maybe bring it out every once in a while to half-heartedly watch bits and pieces of it. some people love a movie but can't handle the residual nostalgia that surfaces, so they put it all the way in the back of a cabinet where they can't see it - effectively blocking it from future viewings.

there are some people who can watch a movie over and over, finding something new about it to love every single day and honestly think it's just as amazing the 100th time as they did the first time... there aren't that many of these people.

and i suppose there are also the people who don't watch movies at all because of that horriffic VCR incident when they were 8.

this is what i think about while in the shower. honest.

i itch. i itch i itch.

i bought tootsie pops. 6 for a dollar. holy shit. back in the day, if you got a tootsie pop wrapper with an indian shooting a star on it, you could take it back for another free tootsie pop. i got about 30 consecutive free tootsie pops like that in elementary school. these wrappers don't seem so rare. i just got one.

cottage cheese and tootsie pops woo woo. orange juice and bananas. apples and tea. baby carrots and muti-grain bread. these things have been a regular part of my diet lately. of course i eat real meals, but that varies so much and is only really exciting if it's some sort of cooking event. i miss cooking as an event. i miss making beautiful food with other people. it seems so pointless to make it only for myself. cooking is such a great team sport.

now, i dance. over to the couch. to watch closed captioned movies, probably.

i think i'm addicted to cottage cheese now. it's the last thing i ever thought i would be addicted to.

i'm also addicted to this trendy suburban lighter. you know, the kind that has a trigger.

so, yeah. i hope something arrives today.

slicing up bananas for your cheerios seems like a nice thing to do. it makes my cereal look more sophisticated. it's funny though, how the cereal is less 'cheerios with bananas' and more 'bananas with cheerios' now. i can't help but go for all the bananas first. i guess it's a weakness. every few bites i dig around the bananas to pretend that i'm giving all of the cereal my full attention - but it's really the bananas that do it for me. and it's such a fleeting pleasure because they go so fast.

but anyway, i sort of miss running around and doing things. tackling people lightly in the grass... jumping in leaves... hide and seek. can you imagine how ridiculous these things look when i do them on my own? especially tackling myself; i'm sure that looks absurd.

there's this tiny maquette of a hippo sitting here on the desk and i have a sudden urge to throw it in my milk and let it have a swim... but, really, i have no idea where it's been. besides the desk, i mean.

oh, i've found out how bananas in cereal are even more exciting; they sink sometimes and you might accidentally pull one up that you didn't know was there. it's like a prize, i suppose.

... not really.