please to be making with the peace on earth and happiness with the friend people and people i love and don't want to lose. please to be making everything okay for christmas.

oh, please to be thank you giving me a digital camera for christmas. thank you.

thanksgiving. my mother suddenly goes into hyper-overdrive and it only seems to make me more tired.

i'm always in the weirdest places on thanksgiving. i think i remember last thanksgiving very vividly. hmmmm.

post-thanksgiving addendum: despite my fairly recent shift of tastes in music and food, i still don't like thanksgiving food. i'm still pretty quiet - even around my own family. playing board games, catch and guitars, it is decided that my family is normal and subdued. not in a bad way at all - in a nice entertaining way. i felt nostalgic as my cousin and i reminisced being ninja turtles on her front lawn, running through walnut orchards and making up dirty songs based on the American Tail tag melody. i felt very old as i met someone i haven't seen since she was six years old and actually said the words "i haven't seen you since you were this big..." she didn't remember me at all.

i'm still alive, i guess. i'm trying to somehow regain normal sleeping habits...

reign of fire is on dvd. dragons and helicopters. real action.

there is a problem with ordering my nacho supreme with no meat at a drive-thru: they never understand what i'm saying. i usually say "no meat" and they somehow manage to occasionally hear it as "no beans" and oh my god kelly osbourne is performing live on mtv. so, like, i'm not even technically a vegetarian. i just don't seem to really eat meat anymore. but it bothers me when they take off all the beans and leave only meat.

it's early. i'm drunk on insomnia. i'm drinking tazo chai spiced tea with extra caffiene. i haven't slept since... yesterday? if i were to write a song about this, i might call it A Possible Mistake.

but, i mean, you know. caffiene. hoho. a lot of caffiene and no sleep. \.... we.

[01:49] dasbates: delerium...
[01:49] dasbates: am i stricken with post- moulin rouge delerium...
[01:49] deleriumhead: d... udwe?
[01:49] dasbates: ?
[01:50] deleriumhead: ??
[01:50] dasbates: udwe?
[01:51] deleriumhead: dud...we?
[01:51] dasbates: dudley?
[01:51] deleriumhead: w... e...?
[01:51] dasbates: western estonia?
[01:51] deleriumhead: ... w
[01:54] dasbates: dude, are you high?
[01:54] deleriumhead: n... no?
[01:54] dasbates: why not?

god. i hate the internet.

some new things are on the floate front page. or, no, i guess only the design is new. but, maybe you haven't seen some of the photos or whatever. i mean, really. yeah.

we are a travelling people...

w... what?? the phone line is so fucked up? somehow we're sharing a phone line with a travel agency downtown? but our real phone number doesn't work??? what???????

also, mtv is such bullshit, but somehow i can't stop watching it. some canadian girl is "becoming" avril levine. HEH???

they call him a bear...

i've moved myself into the garage. it's cold, but not too cold, i guess. at least here i can type without worrying about head ripping off.

the phone lines and internet are evil evil evil. our phones aren't working and somehow i'm actually using an unknown person's phone line through ours (i... it doesn't even make sense to me) and apparently people have been getting nonsensical emails from my email address... somehow. some... spam... thing? evil spam thing? anyway, if you get weird emails from my address, i suppose you'll know they aren't from me. my emails may be absurd to begin with, but they are absurd in a recognizable way.

w... wow. i got a really long letter from bates... and mal got me The Best American NonRequired Reading, Pieces:A Collection of New Voices and the Beachwood Sparks cd from amazon... and alex sent me Danse Macabre, a burned copy of the new Bright Eyes and a mix cd... and erin got me the lego soccer shootout...

...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

w... wow. people are pretty great. <3

i like how, if you search for "faux photos" on google, you get mostly sites having to do with faked nude photos of christina aguilera.

drag...

saying or doing stupid things can be a nice experience sometimes. like, once i was asked what i scored on my SATs and i answered, "i don't know - like... 1600 or something..." and i sort of rambled that off not realizing that the highest score for the SATs is 1600. i think it was more amusing that i thought i had taken the SATs at all, but i apparently only took some faux-prepatory californian version that didn't mean anything (though, i remember that i did actually score fairly high on it). i honestly didn't know my score and didn't even know what the highest score for the SATs was. somehow this always seemed less than important to me? i mean, i realized that it was a somewhat important element when applying to colleges but, personally, it was never really important. i guess.

it's also kind of nice to be stupid because it can afford you more intrigue and mystery. like when i didn't realize that northgirl was, in fact, the most obvious person.

and it's also refreshing when the people who are in the vicinity of your stupidity don't care at all and they think you're just as great as ever.

the rain seems to have made the phone do weird and evil things. but, it's worth it. it hasn't stopped raining since yesterday morning. it has given me a chance to use my rain mix for the right purposes.

1. arab strap - love detective
2. matt pond pa - canadian song
3. stereolab - long life love
4. songs: ohia - lioness
5. tram - three years
6. microphones - the moon
7. air - planet vega
8. bedroom heroes - sea change
9. the album leaf - we once were (two)
10. antarctica - abscence
11. ladytron - playgirl
12. cousteau - the last good day of the year

i suppose you shouldn't read too much into the content - i just picked songs that would be fairly relaxing while driving. i also made another rainy day mix that's more... personal? so it's only for my person. and possibly persons that are close to my person.

oh, rain, i thought you hated me - but you finally came around.

california rain is different than any rain anywhere. it's great and it smells amazing and it's one of the only good things about the central valley. and now it's here. hopefully there is a lot of it coming.

gaudi2002...

last time i checked, i wasn't in spain... so, i think i might miss all of it :[

going through the archives seems strange to me. i mean, really, two years isn't a lot of time. somehow i can remember where i was and what i was doing a year ago, but two years ago seems like an entirely different world. i was a young urban proffesional, living it up in burbank, CA - partying almost every night, having friends everywhere, being productive, making money (a lot of money), skinny dipping, going to theme parks... but still lonely.

a year ago at this time i was beginning to make mistakes and starting to be very needy. i didn't have any money, i didn't really get out that much, i wasn't very healthy... but i wasn't really lonely. i was desperate and stupid on occasion - which i wish i could go back and change (i think i'm learning a bit now, slowly getting better), but i was happy.

and here i am now; still making mistakes, still being unnecessarily needy, struggling to break out of pessimism and into optimism (i'm getting there). i'm lonely again... and part of me wants to remedy this and part of me doesn't. when i was in burbank, i walked around the city alone, taking pictures and sitting and staring at buildings and talking to charming old men in charming old bookstores. that part of lonely was nice. i didn't mind it so much. part of me wished someone were there with me - someone who could share those things and appreciate them in the same way i did, but still another part of me was glad that i had this time and these memories. they're mine and no one elses. no one can change them.

i don't know what i want to do next or where i want to go. i've realized that it's the people that are around me that make me happy - not where i am or what i'm doing. people that give me space to be alone.. and people i can give space to (i gave it very easily once... i'm not sure where i went wrong. mistakes, regret. sigh.). but, i'd also like to have the option to be around people i care about. i suppose this is obvious. i think i've always known this. but, i can't even count how many songs i've heard recently that have told me that we're all alone in this world. i don't think i want that to be true.

i don't know - i'm not a perfect boy. i think i try to be at times; i try to be a good person and i try to do the right thing. but i obviously don't always. i make mistakes. big mistakes. just please, allow me to make mistakes. you can call me on them, but please don't write me off because of them.

i republished the archives. apparently delerium has been running for over two years. dudwe.

i think it's important to show the archives. to show that, no, i didn't always listen to independent music and no, i didn't always read good books and yes, i liked different things at one time and yes, i could be a little crass. i seem to have grown up a lot in the past few years, but there is an innocence that i sometimes wish i still had. maybe i still do have it... i'm not sure. i'm more aware of who i was than who i am.

the comments are still in tact... that's also amazing to me.

i am a ridiculous evil capitalist/consumer today and i will ask you to go buy ridiculous merchandise from me for yourself or i will facetiously say, "hey, if you have extra money laying around that you don't want go buy me some stuff okay yeah ha ha."

my mom bought me some chopsticks today. they are brown with a black tip and this was something that i found pretty exciting. they are nice. thank you mom.

i've also been eating chocolate. lots of chocolate. and i have a headache. a big headache.