i seem to be stuck in this odd city rut that held me in burbank. i'm not so hopeless or desperate anymore, so i suppose it isn't so similiar...

meeting people is weird and meeting girls is especially weird. i'm very cynical whenever i go out and never have any sort of agenda. i can't really afford to. but, occasionally i see someone that looks interesting or interested (because, somehow, someone being interested in me, at this point, is attractive). it never fails, however, that these girls always a) have a "serious" boyfriend or b) are gay. there is never another reason. part of me even wonders if the girls who have boyfriends are actually gay, but getting into this would just thrust us into an analyzation of something and i really don't have the energy.

all of this is rare, i suppose, because i'm not "looking" or anything. it's just this occasional annoying frustration (with myself or whatever??) and if i were looking, these are the things i would have to deal with.

i just can't read people well enough. i mean, i never could. i don't get, like, things.

i'm also so different lately in that everything i write comes with an element of paranoia. i write it anyway or sing it anyway, but i'm somehow always worried now. i don't think i was so worried in burbank. i was hopeless and desperate, but not worried. if that makes any sense.

but, one thing that remains consistent is that these blogs always make it sound like everything is devastatingly miserable. it is not. my roommates are great. seattle is nice. maybe there are things that never seem to turn out like i want them to, but that's nothing new.

i drive to work now. it takes about 20 minutes. there is a huge difference between driving and walking. i mean, in the way you see everything passing by in the world. my senses have been so convoluted over the past few years that it's hard for me to recognize nostalgia anymore.

but, driving to and from work has it's moments. there is music and rain and quiet time. i've memorized the images of my path - the closing commuter lane, the pothole in the freeway halfway home, the space needle right before i enter the bridge that marks my entrance into seattle and the sunset. there is always a sunset when i'm on my way home. it makes me wish i still had a camera (though, yes, i know - a sunset. wow. that's new. but it seems beautiful and qualified enough to make it into my own personal visual diary).

i found out that there is a nice radio station here called kexp. you should listen to the streaming version of it and it will be like we're all in the same place at the same time. (!)

i am so scared to say things anymore. i mean, i am scared to say them, but i say them anyway. i have started to expand - my sentences are lacking contractions. or maybe they are gaining extra words. i am eating too many chips.

we both have a space between the wall and the desk - hanging in midair - that we stare at for a very long time. it is the sterile syringe that collects fluid from behind our eyes and lets the oxygen settle in our lungs. it is calm. we are not so different. we are almost exactly the same.

money is, really, the bane of my existence. there is always some problem with money and when it is always realized by other people that i hate money and would rather have nothing to do with it, things somehow become awkward. i don't like making money, i don't like needing money and i think this conviction makes me seem like an idiot to other people. money makes me tired. anything to do with it. i hate it.

i am maybe an idiot, i suppose. i have bad credit and no real financial security so i am obviously a horrible person.

no but seriously. or whatever.

i guess i'm not really dead? i fixed my guitar all by myself with a lot of filing and glue. my big nice pretty monitor made a lot of popping noises and smelled like burning and wouldn't, like, do stuff anymore. so now i use a shitty samsung. i'm reading slaughterhouse-five even though there are still three other books i haven't finished yet. i went to a party last night with all these people. i mean, really, i guess people usually go to parties. it's like a... thing... that they do. or whatever. cameron said that i was "making game" or "playing game" at one point in the night, but i seriously don't understand such things and would have no clue if i were or not. i suppose the only games i care about at this point are nintendo games. HAHAHAHAHA. but anyway, i am terrified of such things.

i suppose i'm not really good at being some kind of normal functioning human being. i mean, with how my brain works. i get the feeling that most people think i'm bullshit most of the time. maybe i am. i don't know how to work myself. my instructions are in japanese!

i am a sentimental boy. sentimentality + anxiety + longing will probably kill me, eventually. i mean, something has to. fuck this living forever bullshit. fuck it all to heck.

i made chana masala tonight and it actually tasted good, even though the chik peas were a little crunchy (i made them from a bag of dried chik peas. i've taken note that it's better to use chik peas in cans - the dry ones take too long to soak). it had garlic and onions and spicy curry and rice and a lot of good stuff.

my next goal is to make mattar paneer. that may be a little more difficult, i think. maybe. but, so far i've been a decent cook. i will win. :$

i made chana masala tonight and it actually tasted good, even though the chik peas were a little crunchy (i made them from a bag of dried chik peas. i've taken note that it's better to use chik peas in cans - the dry ones take too long to soak). it had garlic and onions and spicy curry and rice and a lot of good stuff.

my next goal is to make mataar paneer. that may be a little more difficult, i think. maybe. but, so far i've been a decent cook.

i guess i did a lot on new year's? cameron and josie took me to parties. they didn't go to places that cost money. i have this secret anxiety that makes me nervous and shaky in crowds of people i don't know, but i did okay.

i got yelled at for almost pouring coke in jameson whiskey, because i guess you aren't supposed to do that? i had no idea. i'm not an alcohol person. i don't get it.

it was strange when at midnight every single person around me suddenly latched on to someone else and made out. i swear to god it was like a bad music video - the camera should have zoomed in on me alone, in the spotlight, while everyone else around me kissed in slow motion. i mean, seriously. wow.

i met a girl from england. that's nice because it's always nice to meet people from england. though, i'm not sure what the rule is when they have lived in the united states for a long time and have lost most of the accent. is it okay to still call them english?

i also decided that i wouldn't tell anyone that i wear girl pants ever again. people seem to take issue with it. i'm not exactly sure why. girls seem to be slightly offended that i wear 11s. one girl told me i should just say i wear 15s. i didn't dare tell her that 11s are kind of loose on me. guys seem to be offended for no reason at all.

overall i think i won on new years. i totally beat whoever.