so here is the thing: i don't know what the thing is.

you know, i am a very confused boy. i mean, it's not like i pretend that i'm not. i don't know when to be angry or sad or resentful or frustrated anymore. we need cards for these things. or little calendars. like my "Stupidest Things Ever Said" calendar. but instead of a new stupid thing every day, the calendar can tell you how to feel every day. like: "today you will stay in your room all day and only grunt when people speak to you." or "today you will run outside and frolic. FROLIC!"

and when people ask, "what's wrong with you? why are you like this??" you can just point to the calendar.

for actual interesting entries, read from june to september 2002 in the archives. these months also serve to prove that i must be manic. and also that it is a recent development.

thank you Operator of My Life, you've pushed all the right buttons. but not really.

my heart is so heavy today that i dare not lay down for fear that it will break through my ribs!!

where is the person who thinks that laying around in bed all day with someone feels better than smoking cigarettes and being drunk? where?? NOWHERE BUT HERE I'M AFRAID!

it is friday night. i am not doing anything. oh wait - i just cleaned up my desktop. i also finalized my senseless 59-song-4-hour-and-41-minute-mix. maybe i can call it the "All Of This and Nothing To Show" mix. i think the funniest part is that i named the m3u "partee.m3u" but have only since listened to it by myself. all the way through. many times. i like all the songs on it. so it is okay.

i somehow still have to do some hummingbird work. but first i will take a shower. and then maybe watch, like... some... kind of... movie.

oh and, like, happy birthday mal yo heart heart even though it is over in canadia.

effectively saying more and more than i probably should; cheesy uncalled for pop song acoustic demo number 1,000180182:

talking too much

tonight i don't think i exist anymore i need to stop this someone please stop me.

i am a figment

"oh god, he just needs to get over it."
"like, yeah..."
"like, the only reason he can never get hooked up is because he's always so depressed..."
"like... yeah..."
"seriously, he just needs to get the fuck over it."
"wait... like... how?"
"l... like... he... just needs to get over it. and stop feeling bad. then everything would be okay."
"o... oh... o... k..."
"like, he... needs to look on the bright side of things... like... he has his health.."
"o... w... wait... i think the whole point is that he wants like... something unique and comforting to be happy about. like, most people have their health? it's not really that special..."
"dude, like... stop... seriously. he has his fucking health dude. he needs to be happier or i'll never speak to him again."
"right, i mean... i'm sure that would cheer him up."
"dude... fucking stop. you're depressing me."
"whatever dude... you have your health..."

life is so goddamn romantic when you write it down if you were a book they would say you were brilliant because you're so hard to read but you're a mystery that's solved in an easy passage third chapter fourth page but everyone just skips right through it you have to admit, even you and everything you're doing now is wrong you're such a wreck don't pretend like you know what you should do just sit and shake cry and shiver they all know that you haven't got a clue you're so raw that i think we should cook you in a pool of love well that could be just a little problematic when love is so far away but you're just wasting all that precious little energy that you haven't got to spare we know you'd cross like a hundred million oceans for love but love wouldn't cross them for you and every time you say anything you take your foot you bend it up you put in it your mouth so just shut up keep to your self and try to catch all the air that escaped your lungs

god.

if sleeping alone were a sport, i'd be the mvp.

i am not good. things are not good. my chest/lung/heart hurts.

god.

mally called me today. i went to a comic convention today. i hung out with rey and his friends today. we ate at fabulous benihanas today. i came home and made a cover of a song today.

talking about last night is not what i'd like to do.

what's with this thing where people don't like zwan. like, hi, it's good stuff. like, wow. GRR PEOPLE.

i pulled out the cardigans the other day... like, the old one. the last band on the moon one. i like it. i'm glad it didn't get stolen.

i am ardent and nostalgic and sometimes lonely. i am an interior decorator with the photos and postcards of places i have never been.

i am watching goonies.

i went a house warming party last night. it turned into a surprise party. i was totally surprised. i mean, it wasn't a surprise party for me, but i was still totally surprised. they made sushi and... like... other... food. later (presumably after too many fake apple martinis) cameron persuaded john and i to hand out flyers downtown for the cd release show next week? i got hugged by a 'thug'? really snooty girls were snooty to us? some guy ripped up one of the flyers and ate it in front of us?? like, jesus... jesus.

i feel like i need to... do something.