mal: like... this is totally off the subject... but i have this peach habanero barbeque sauce and it's totally so good?!
jacob: w... ha... peach?!?
jacob: that's impossible?!?!?!
mal: it's so good!!
jacob: like, next they'll totally put plums in ketchup?!?!?!!
mal: totally...

food is so good.

i've been drawing pirate things for t-shirts the past few days. hopefully it results in a job.

oh god...

seriously though, i went to a circus. there were tigers and elephants and hula hoops and fire and we surmised that there must have been a trapeze artist and flaming motorcycles of death and huge explosions all before we came. there must have been.

also, i decided that the circus (called the Gatti Circus) was the product of a-greedy-daughter-of-a-mob-boss' childhood dream to one day be in a circus (her mob boss father buying the circus, obviously). she was the one who had the pony act.

also, no, i didn't take the comments down. they are just not working.

but honestly, for the past few months i have been in dire financial straights and if it weren't for my friends, lindsay and john, i would probably be sitting on a freeway entrance with a sign that read "spare a dubloon, savvy?" and i hope they both know that when i start making money they will be showered with movie dates and magic dragons and bubble tea.

though it may seem that i have been slacking and not doing any job searching with all the mindless media consumption, things are suddenly looking up. job prospects are go. cross your fingers or break your leg or put needles through your skin - whatever it takes to wish me good luck.

let me take inventory of all the movies i have seen for free in the past 5 days.

- pirates of the caribbean
- the hulk
- identity
- the league of extraordinary gentlemen
- charlie's angels: full throttle
- terminator 3
- finding nemo
- daredevil
- pecker
- a woman under the influence

update:
- bruce almighty
- 28 days later
- 2 fast 2 furious
- bad boys II

god, all this action is so N'tense.

i am content and hopeful at this instant. not really certain about anything, but content and hopeful. i am glad to know wonderful and inspiring people.

they liked the music but not the musician

they liked the musician but not the music

last night i went to a very lame party in a very small apartment with a lot of people in it. whenever our group goes anywhere, wherever we sit, the crowd disbands. i used the allegory of oil hitting a shallow pan full of water during the party and i'm sure that served to perpetuate the avoidance. but, i think i'm sort of proud of our little group. maybe we look intimidating, but when people come and talk to us and make an effort, we are very inviting and friendly and goddamnit, people like us. or they hate us. i mean, they probably really really hate us. but i'm sure it's all jealousy or whatever.

after the party is when the self-deprecation/self-pity debacle happened, obviously.

a while back, someone asked me if i was 'eno' and i was really perplexed and they explained it as 'emo' but they listen to 80's music and they have bangs and they like brian eno a lot. i like brian eno and i do listen to 80's music and i have bangs, but it just seemed like a really narrow description of me.

i have some sort of inherent distaste for all subcultures. like, all of them. ever. i mean, i think i like what came out of them (design, music and art), but i totally hate the segregation and lame eliteness of all of them. subcultures are totally like religion in that i bet they believe that their cool is best and will get them to cool heaven and everyone else will go to poseur hell.

besides, everyone should know by now that my subculture is 'fabulous' and to be in it you have to be me and i'm the only one that will get into cool heaven. fuck you guys!

jacob: so maybe it's me from the past. or something.
mal: like... i think it might be ... someone from the future?
jacob: w... woah...
mal: maybe it's our son...
mal: wait... brendan is our son...
jacob: wait... woah... jesus.
jacob: oh yeah...
mal: it's not brendan...
jacob: i just found out that brendan smokes...
mal: whoa...
mal: weird...
jacob: and i felt like i imagine a parent would feel when they find out their son smokes...
mal: god...
mal: it's just like... oh man... brendan... how could you do that to your BODY??
jacob: like, i want to make him smoke a whole pack at once!!
jacob: then he'll see!?!?
mal: i want to wash his mouth out with soap.
jacob: what are we gonna do with him?!?!

oh. oh. oh. someone finally gets back to me for an interview and it's for a coffee shop in LA?

does seattle just not like to hire 6' 2", hazel eyed kids named jacob?!?!!? is that it?!?!?

i guess i'll just go eat cheese and taco mix!?!

it turns out that everyone lives their lives better than me.

i feel horrible and value-less and wholly unloveable and completely forgettable and totally unemployable at the moment and i would really just like to cry and/or die because my book will be shitty and ridiculous and my illustration is a joke and graphic design is worthless and no one will ever care about any goddamn music that i make because it's not even that good and i've applied for millions of jobs and none of them come through and no one has ever been in love with me.

also, there are fleas invading my room and i have no money and i'm practically starving and for god's sake, life, will you just give me a fucking break for once and not set me up to fall even harder later??

HONESTLY.

the food room is totally my favorite part of the hugo message boards.

mal said he's going to a wedding and i keep picturing him in a teal bride's maid dress.

in honor of bastille day, i freed a bunch of mosquitos from my room.

i am enamored by the possibilites and have more unpredictable love in me than you can shake a stick like object at.

once again, another post about yesterday and the events following (up until now, obviously... maybe). we went to the Aquafest - which was held in (a town north of here) and was very scary. everyone seems to be fascinated by my 'Tokyo, Japan' shirt and can't resist yelling it out. and hitting me on the ass and challenging me to duels with plastic katanas. i think i might have actually been up for that duel had i not already been completely disoriented by the sheer surreality of the Aquafest. there were rides. and the rides creaked and moaned in a way they should not have - yet people still rode them. also, i was left to assume that the only clothing store in town was a miller's outpost and no one would dare venture beyond city limits to buy a new wardrobe. we also had VIP passes to this event, somehow - which only served to afford us free quesadillas, fruit and root beer. but, i mean, hey; free quesadillas, fruit and root beer. also, the lake Aquafest was held by had west nile virus crawling around in it. seeing the warning that had been posted by the lake about it was obviously punctuated by a little boy flapping around on a raft in the middle of the lake.

in other news, i now feel that i'm a certified secret admirer. certified.

i'm sort of itching to be a rockstar soon. i can't figure out if it's arrogant to think that this isn't an idealistic goal at all.

yesterday we trekked out to the UW campus. there is a huge fountain in the middle that resparked my desire to jump in fountains around the world and document it. i need a documenting tool to do it. like a camera, probably.

it was very hot yesterday. or, all the walking made us very hot. i enjoyed the walking. on the fourth of july we explored all of the seattle pier and had a lovely time. it feels good to walk and exercize, but i'm afraid i will disintegrate because of my lack of proper nutrition.

i'm really not as bitter as it maybe seems.

the radio said that bremerton was my backyard.

way back then, i think things were better. or different. there were girls and boys who have since changed. grown and dyed hair and put holes in thier faces and everything was destroyed - lives were metamorphosed into a childhood fantasy. i couldn't figure out why it was so distressing. maybe because i'd been through all the consequences of debauchery and meaningless sex and heartbreak before i even hit 10 years old. maybe because i'd already known what it does to people. and it's really not fair, is it? to be so disgusted with the contrived catharsis so early on, before you have had a chance to destroy yourself. because, as i'm led to believe, you aren't even a whole person until you've destroyed yourself and built it back up. but i'm still somewhat halved and full of tension.

or maybe because i felt like the garbage. or old furniture thrown to the curb to make way for something better. like the only reason i was kept around was for half-hearted sentimental reasons. you can burn the couch, but not the memory and guilt.

and it isn't fair of me to be so distressed with other people. for the cynicism to start setting in. it just isn't fair. the world has a right to be what it wants to be. the world has a right to hate me or love me or be so indifferent. or to think that i am not enough. that i just don't reach the bar that was set. when i fall in love, the world is not obligated to love me back. when i am full of loathing, the world is not obligated to understand.

there are times when i want to fdisk the social contexts of history and humanity. it has made it so bitter and sour.

i love the world just as much as i hate it. but i want to be so full of passion. i have a burning want. i wish i were more insane. but i'm toned down and not debaucherous and not cruel and not brilliant and not self assured. the only things i have are my wide eyes and wonder. i'm okay with that, but not okay with the fear that the world isn't okay with it.

baking corn dogs in an oven is the way to go.

i do not have an actual remote for my television, so i can't lower the volume. getting up is obviously out of the question. i do, however, have a VCR remote. so, i turned the channel to 125 and, luckily, the screen just went blue and the sound was automatically muted so i could listen to music. but, my VCR keeps shutting off and up pops a green plateau with birds and piano ballads, probably taking the place of an annoying colorbar tone. so i turn the VCR power back on.

this is my night and i'm very excited by it.

my new room has carpet and cable. it also has bubble tea and pizza and coffee shops and hip clothing stores right outside the door. i need to eat more vegetables.

i can't figure out why, after all this time, it still hurts so much.

i am on john's computer because my computer is all packed up and i have no official place to live until saturday. i'm totally a "guest" in the house i lived in 4 days ago.

i just bought some ginger tea from uwajimaya and now the kettle is whistling....

now i am drinking ginger tea.

the numbers on the comments don't seem to work in the last post, but i don't even think it matters that much.

today was spent packing and listening to mix cds and on a ridiculous but semi-productive amount of time in uwajimaya (finally found the ginger tea stronghold) and drinking bubble tea and getting severely beaten at checkers by lindsay.

i already got tired of the other floate & delerium designs and made new ones. so if i die in the next few days, this is how you will remember me.

mal goes back to chicago tomorrow. oh, chicago, you eat all the people i love.