no, but seriously. derelict.

actual conversation i totally heard this morning:

"i know, the coffee looks kind of gross, but it tastes good, i promise."
"well, guys look gross but they taste good, so i'll give it a shot!"

also, my biggest mistake today was buying tea from starbucks when i could have gotten it for free in the office.

i figured out what i have to do to be popular! i just have to be pretty! i finally figured out the secret!

it's so early. i just stood up and hit my head against the mysterious beam that was placed, inexplicably, in the middle of the room. i hit it very hard. i must have a concussion by now. i've been waiting forever for a moment like this. all these months of hitting my head and no concussion. but now i have a huge bump on the top of my head and it hurts... a lot. you see, i can't even come up with a good word for excruciating pain. it must be a concussion. i am concussed.

p.s. i wish i actually had real revelations when i hit my head, like in the movies.

oh yeah, i forgot to mention: in a further testament to how sketchy the alleyway close to my house is, while i was walking back home the other night, two kids walking the other direction (one carrying an electric fender guitar and the other an acoustic nylon carrying case) asked me if i had any cigarettes. i said no. they asked me if i had any "rock. you know. rock." i said no. they asked me if i had any money. and though it probably wasn't a good idea, i laughed really loudly and said "hahahahaha. no. i don't have anything."

i am not getting enough sleep lately. at all.

i always feel weird about this journal when it becomes less cryptic. because my life is very cryptic.

i just don't feel like myself if things make sense!

that was a totally ridiculous thing to say.

so, last night rachel randomly took me to a XXX sex themed party - which only turned out to mean that a few people wore only red boxers. and some people possibly had sex upstairs, i'm sure, but i had nothing to do with any of that. instead i drank not so much sake and smoked too many cigarettes and danced way too ridiculously to lots of 80s and indie dance. there were a ridiculous amount of attractive girls and boys there (and i can never tell if i should feel intimidated by this. my self deprecating nature hints that i should). and a ridiculous amount of people who i recognized from my jaunts through friendster (i admit it! sorry! though i still keep my friend's list to one so as not to perpetuate it! (as an aside, the friendster kids are nice. it is just friendster itself that i hate)).

anyway. artfags and punks and a few hippies. i'm starting to realize that i don't even have a subculture to fit into. except fabulous, of course.

perhaps i am too full of sake and cigarettes, but i have come to the conclusion that i can certainly find love but love does not want to find me. it possibly wants to avoid me. and, yes, i am using alcohol as an excuse to be melodramatic, but sometimes it's what i need.

hydrogen! fire! hydrogen!

it's okay to feel defeated!

derelict.

suddenly everything is busy and sleep has become a secondary priority. i'm sorry for neglecting you oh wonderful beautiful sleep!! but it is not all my fault:

- my roommates are prone to late night activities - which i cannot fault them for since just a week or so ago i was falling asleep at 6 am every morning. but they involve lots of other people who have lead feet to join them in their late night activities (i am in the basement, the living room floor is above me).
- i can hear my other roommate snore through my wall. at least they are not having loud sex, i suppose.
- still another roommate gets multiple calls very early in the morning (not to mention the entire day). perhaps this only bothers me because no one calls me, ever.

so, there. that is me being bitter. lindsay says i seem bitter. if you can't count on your friends to make blunt observations about you, who can you count on? though, i don't think i'm as bitter as it seems like i am. I AM JUST TIRED!!!

in related news, i am doing freelance work at one of seattle's premier architecture/engineering firms 4 hours a day for a while. i get a semi-outdated computer workstation and a nice view of the puget sound.

here is a tip: annie's whole wheat shell macaroni and cheese is totally gross. but the other kind that is not whole wheat and multi-cheese is totally great.

in an attempt to resolve the all too apathetic sounding outgoing message, my answering machine is kind of ghetto-fabulous now. though, now it is only kind of apathetic and more ironic. you can call and hope that i don't pick up so you can hear me say "m-to-the-izzage." it could possibly be worth it.

i have been working on trendy flash movies for powerpunkpop bands.

all i want to say anymore is, this is the first day of my life.

the power went out for all the east coast kids. most of the western united states lost power for about a day and a half a few years ago, but i don't know if we freaked out as much as they did yesterday. here is a quote from the BBC:

"'It's frightening because the news is eerily reminiscent of 9/11' Matt, New York"

jesus new york, i mean, it kind of totally sucks, but it's just a power outage. it's not 100s of people dying in a burning, collapsing building.

my cat got stuck in a tree and it was eerily reminiscent of 9/11. i fell off my bed and it was eerily reminiscent of 9/11. that ice cream hurt my teeth and it was eerily reminiscent of 9/11.

i am suddenly in love with victorian era design. wallpapers and chairs and mirrors. i'm sure you will all be inflicted with it, in the form of design, soon enough.

sleep deprivation makes the world very phantasmagoric. i somehow spoke to alice w. rutherford very briefly about the odd abundance of people associations in the tiny world (it was really nice to talk to her again, but still a very surreal thing to have happen when you've had no sleep). and then suddenly found myself buying a cafe latte from starbucks (??). following that, i was sitting in lindsay's apartment - where i apparently scared her to death - writing letters to rachel on her notepad while she was sitting next to me. then i walked lindsay to work. all before 9 am.

also, it seems that my roommates have taken to odd laundry habits (starting the washer at 3 am, starting the dryer at 8 am) - which wouldn't be so bad were the washer and dryer not right next to my room.

swish, i'm tired.

i wish i were indifferent as it seemed like i was.

also, i wish there were things i could say to make everything fall into place. create that satisfying click that comes with the effort of pushing a tiny part into a tiny slot. alleviate strained hearts and broken correspondents. i think i am genuinely sorry and embarassed for all the mistakes i've made. i can't believe all the chances i've been given. i miss the inherent trust and reliance.

last night we went on an adventure by the docks and infiltrated an old abandoned ferry. i don't think there were actually ghosts on it, but there were giant man eating bats. and zombies.

i redesigned mal's page for him. i also recorded a new song. and i also have paying work scheduled for the end of the month. maybe more and sooner. p... hew.

we checked the logs and you made a mistake (bad acoustic demo #500,002)

limited time offer!!!

we helped lindsay finish moving today. i wrote the beginnings of a new song that i think i will like. some hipster girls told me and lindsay that they liked our style. it is six a.m. and we just got back from ihop followed by the misty seattle sun rising behind the clouds and space needle as seen by 4 nerdy kids on a hilltop park.

i've met two kids from long island, one from michigan and a native seattlite in the past week.

i should sleep. i hope the comments are behaving, as i can't read them from my lonely computer.

in a strange and probably hilarious twist, i can't view my own website from my computer and the rest of the world still can from thiers. ha ha. ha. as a pathetic addendum, i can still post to blogger. haha... ah.. a=lasmkd/.

tonight was sake and some bar and a midnight walk down university and other ridiculous things.

oh you kids and your blogs. hee.