i have been officially homeless, again, since last friday. luckily, lindsay and rachel are letting me sleep on their couch. i move into my new indefinite-time-frame-basement-apartment place on friday. it will be great. i haven't been with a nice room that i could actually call my own for a long while. i plan on putting all my postcards back up and making lamps and other such decoratey type things for it.

i also have a job that i like, finally. i get to design crazy insane ridiculous pink things and i love it.

i think things are good now. i mean, they are nice and i don't have too much anxiety or stress. i am not naive enough to think that it will last forever, but for now it certainly works.

also, if anyone can help me find neva dinova mp3s, i think that would be totally great.

so, basically, i've been working and will actually be moving into a real live apartment with a room that will be my own and i can actually decorate it and it is in a nice place and there are walking places everywhere and i can stand up in it without slamming my head into the ceiling and whatever. and that is to say: finally.

no, okay, our keyboardist is named Yuna. with an 'a'. that is still fundamentally awesome, i think. we also have a practice scheduled for the 27th - which would already make this band the most pro-active one i have ever been in.

i think the thing is: it's impossible to forget on purpose.

i suppose you know that you have "made it big" when kids you don't know quote your lyrics on livejournal. i'm not really sure what i've "made it big" as, though. and doesn't "making it big" include some sort of money prize? or something?? WTF??

but where are all of those long letters that were promised? written on body parts that could not be sent. on strands of hair dyed the color of ink and snipped away.

i'll tell you one thing: satisfaction is a near impossibility. i say 'near' because i bet there is that one jerk who is actually satisfied.

i'll tell you two more things: i think i'm in a band now. i met up with a nice man at a coffee shop who wears stylish clothes and he slipped me a cd full of some of his rough recordings. and i do think i like it. also, we apparently have a keyboardist named yuni. that really does seem to be 5 shades of awesome.

and the other thing is good because it has to do with rain. and after this long beautiful summer, rain is a nice change. yes yes yes, you can be certain that the air smelled best.

so, yes, yesterday was my birthday. i worked. and ate at araya. and i actually did watch the lizzie mcguire movie. google even has a birthday cake on their logo. let's pretend it was for me. oh yes.

i suspect that my roommates are telling people that call for me that i am never here, even when i clearly am. also, they never do their dishes or take out the trash and the kitchen is so amazingly disgusting that i hate to go into it. i have 4 other roommates. seriously. it's ridiculous.

today, i think i will mop it. under protest, of course.

i shall avenge the death of all the romance!!

two things i done awhile ago for a shirt that never got did: 1, 2.

this journal is becoming more and more redundant. i am in an emotional rut. i need to feel something new. give me excitement and surprise, please. all of this rejection is getting old.

part of me wants to be more eloquent here, but still another part is content with these really terse messages. i do have a lot to say but i'm not so sure that i should be so free with it anymore. it is very possible that i've been the one most hurt by all of it.

those things that were big and meaningful to me a year ago are still big and meaningful. but i try not to set it at the forefront of my self. instead it sits, kind of preserved, as a reminder in the background. i think of most things fondly. and i hope it is the same for others in terms of me. but a lot of things still terrify me.

there has been a thought process continually surfacing in my head about emotional correctness and some implied "skillful living." and it is all horribly ridiculous because you are only as emotionally correct as society will accept you to be. there is a vicious cycle there and i would have to think about it more before i can talk about it more, possibly. so i am just talking for no reason.

but i am still frustrated by things that i have no control over and i am still jaded and bitter, apparently. but, i mean, it's not just that i want control, but i want requitable emotions, at least. that's what everyone wants, i guess. and i've decided that it is okay to want it. it's okay to want these silly things and it's okay to want nothing at all.

i'm really tired. and i'm worried about john. hm.

oh wait. today is bland and it is morning. and i will seriously go drink some hot chocolate right now.

how we waste our precious time marching in the picket line that surround those striking hearts. the time is never now. we know who we should love but we're never certain how.

i went cabin-ing this weekend and got dirty and sunburned. i am sunburned. and dirty. mountains totally like to get you dirty. and burn your skin. it's what they do.