part of me wants to be more eloquent here, but still another part is content with these really terse messages. i do have a lot to say but i'm not so sure that i should be so free with it anymore. it is very possible that i've been the one most hurt by all of it.

those things that were big and meaningful to me a year ago are still big and meaningful. but i try not to set it at the forefront of my self. instead it sits, kind of preserved, as a reminder in the background. i think of most things fondly. and i hope it is the same for others in terms of me. but a lot of things still terrify me.

there has been a thought process continually surfacing in my head about emotional correctness and some implied "skillful living." and it is all horribly ridiculous because you are only as emotionally correct as society will accept you to be. there is a vicious cycle there and i would have to think about it more before i can talk about it more, possibly. so i am just talking for no reason.

but i am still frustrated by things that i have no control over and i am still jaded and bitter, apparently. but, i mean, it's not just that i want control, but i want requitable emotions, at least. that's what everyone wants, i guess. and i've decided that it is okay to want it. it's okay to want these silly things and it's okay to want nothing at all.

i'm really tired. and i'm worried about john. hm.