i've sort of noticed how there has been a lack of noticing with me lately. meaning that i've been less cognitive of my own state and my own appreciation for the things that happen in the world. the things that happen in my surrounding area. the things that happen.

it's been so long since i've walked down a desolate street (oversaturated with consumerism just hours before) noticing things. like the clean air... and the street sweeps... and how quiet it all is and how free i feel. it's been awhile since i've laid on the grass in a large city, looking at the city, making up stories about random buildings by the sea with a beautiful girl in my lap. it's been awhile since i've walked aimlessley with said girl.

it's been awhile since i've just not cared about the most important things in life, like a job and security and a house and a car and making something of my life. since i would stay up nights wondering if i should take a walk around the block with a camera in my hand... or since i've done the rounds and laid on top of buildings every night, not because we had to, but because i had great friends.

i'm tired of worrying about my future... and i'm trying to refuse to. because if i don't stop worrying about it now, i'll be 40 and the only thing i'll have to remember is when i was 22 and couldn't stop thinking about when i'd be 40.

i don't want all of these things i've had back, but i want them to continue. and i still have the means to. i still have the same beautiful girlfriend. i still have the same great friends... the only thing that has changed is the scenery and a few months of worry. i think i was worried about where i was... where everyone else was... because they seemed so far away... and maybe they are... and maybe i miss them all. mally and mal and josh... i miss the whole XD crew... i miss random run-ins with PMBQ in downtown LA. i miss walking around japantown, tired as i was, and running into justin. i miss playing tag in the Gap.

but, like i said... these people aren't gone. they're just in a different place. i need to take some initiative. because these people are important. these people are more important than anything i could do. anything i could create. because if i've ever tried to do anything more, tried to make anything that would reach anyone, it's all fucking pointless if i can't reach the people who are close to me, if i don't hold the people that love me close... because they're the things that will keep me going. they're the things that matter most.

and that's my problem. i've been so worried about myself. i've been so worried about what i'll do, what i'll accomplish, that i haven't taken time to stop and notice everything around me. and noticing everything around me is a SHARED experience. and i should share it. it doesn't matter if someone doesn't understand. i shouldn't even care if they understand. i should just be happy to share what i've seen with the people that i love. fuck complications. fuck stress. and fuck that goddamn need to be an efficient member of society. being efficient is depression.

so, i'll stop worrying about it, go outside, look at something beautiful and love it... and i'll go and tell all those people.

pika-chu.