I just don't know what to say. It's a lonely night... by choice. I turned down going to a halloween party tonight... and with good reason. I'm downloading a bunch of smashing pumpkins b-sides that i never got around to downloading... I even found a kroq recording where billy announces the break up of the band... that was the same night they played at the Universal Ampitheatre... the same concert I tried desperately to get to, and failed... now I'm all nostalgic and sad... damn.



I wanna play live music. I want to play for people in small venues... clubs and such... I just want to play and be relaxed and laugh with random people who come to see me... that would be cool. I want mal to come down and play music WITH me. I want US to play at clubs and such... I don't wanna be famous. I just wanna play music.



I wanna wake up and feel like I don't have to live up to anything... even my own ideals. I want the nights to go on and on, without the worry of 8 am ringing in my ears. I want a lot. I want to know what I really want. Where is my passion? Where are all the things I've ever loved. I'm getting back to that point of emotionless living. I wish I didn't contradict my own wants. I want sleep. I want to do everything. I want to know exactly what I need to say to make everything something worth anything. I have some sort of passion... I just don't know what it's for.



I'm as lost as anyone. You're worse off than me. I wish I could make you all feel a millions times better. I mean that. I really do. I'm just tired. I'm not bitter... just tired. At times I feel like I've got everything figured out, and finally I realize it was all wrong. ALL OF IT. When are we going to stop and realize that nothing is right. The house you live in, the people you love, you're favorite song... it's all wrong. We're all wrong. Stop believing what you're doing is right. It's not. I don't care who you are. It's not right. Just stop. What you think will make you happy probably won't. So stop thinking and just... go. Unplug. Run on empty. Live in a box. It'll be okay. I can't promise that. I'd be wrong. There's no way around it. Catch 22.



I'm never right... I just find temporary solutions. All this feels like is one big string of temporary solutions to everyday heartaches. Excuse me for being temporarily pessimistic... I'll flip tommorow. That's one thing you can count on. The chaos of jacob.



No wonder I'm home alone...



Wait. My roommates back. She's really drunk. Maybe she's right. I'll ask her... ... ... ... Nope she's wrong too. Damn. We're screwed.