I'm so... lost again. I don't understand. Christ. How cliche is it for life to confuse you. Can't it come up with something original?

There are so many people out there. I can't stand it. There are these ideas that people scoff at... and, it's true, they are a bit laughable. Like world peace, unity... all that. But isn't it sad that they are? They are because we know one another are cynical about everything. About eachother. I'm even guilty of it. My cynicism towards you breeds cynicism towards me...

Where do we stop? I don't even know. I'm truly cynical towards life and it's patrons. I have a hard time believing anything. I've become so cynical that I have a hard time believing i'll find someone. We've been told all our lives, on after school specials and by childrens literature that we can be ourselves. We can be different... and it IS true... We just can't be different and be with someone else.

I don't actually blame anyone else. I do it too. I want someone beautiful. I want someone I can talk to... and maybe there is someone out there like that. But I don't just take whatever comes along until she arrives. I've seen too much pain for that. What happens is, people fool themselves. They're afraid that their one person may never come along. So they "fall in love" with anyone. Not that anyone wouldn't be right for them. They just set up their own demise. Then they obviously get hurt. I've a feeling 99% of the world doesn't know what love is... and 99% of the world will tell you they've been in love...

We've come to know this thing, it's pseudo-love. It's like love, but not really. It's about jewelry and compliments and opening doors and kisses and sex. That's not love. that's an afterthought. That's what comes WITH love. But that's like saying, "whenever you buy a big mac and fries, you get oxygen with it..."... What? Those are things that can happen with or without love. Love is intangible. We all measure love by time and salary and common interests and clothes and hair and fucking rings... it's none of those things. You can't see it. It's just... just...

It's not even all of our faults. We're all afraid to fall in love. Into real love anyway. And just as love is a real feeling, so is fear. So it's understandable. But... real love will knock us off of our feet. Make us mad. Insane. But it will all make sense... to only us. How could it make sense to anyone else? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT IS! We will miss appointments for it. Become poor for it. Run away to the sea for it...

I think there is a line. A line that we have to leap over. We can't see what's on the other side. It most certainly looks like a huge fucking cliff... but that's love. You can feel it resonating from the other side, but you'll never know how good it can really feel until you just... jump. We're not jumpers. I want to be a jumper. I want to jump. The only question: will someone jump with me?

I'm afraid the answer may be "no". I'm a bit unreliable. Who knows if they'd land safely with me? I can't blame them for being scared. I may not be worth it...

But this isn't self pity. I'm just different. I don't know if I belong here. Relating to ethan hawke in before sunrise (see below), i'm not supposed to be here, i'm just crashing the worlds big party.

But like I always say. I could be wrong. this is just what I WANT from love... i've never been known to back down from what I really want. I won't push, but i'll plead.

goodnight.