i've been gone for the whole weekend. i went to san francisco and all i got was this lousy flu. not even a t-shirt. damn.

i had this trip planned for awhile. it was a trip to see my ex-girlfriend. i guess i should've felt uneasy about seeing an ex, but i figured we were fine. i call her a bitch and we laugh. she tells me i'm boring and should be a homosexual and we both laugh. so... i guess that means we're friends.

i took a 14 hour train ride along the coast of california to get there. as beautiful as some of it can be, sitting in a train for 14 hours is never a good thing.

when i got there she picked me up. i was really happy to see her. i hugged her really hard and we were on our way. we went to the grocery store and picked up some beers, got some pizza and settled in at her place to watch south park: the movie with a few of her friends.

at like 1 am her boyfriend called. he was drunk at some party. he asked her to go pick him up and take him home. i gave her a look, because something as retarded as that deserves no words.

i've come to realize that no matter what, you should never tell someone that they're in a bad relationship. it'll only make them stay in it longer. she says she's in love with him and that i have no right to say anything about it since i've never been in love... never mind the fact that i know what it's like to THINK i was in love, but was totally wrong. and she just happens to be acting the same way i did.

all of this made me realize even more that the relationship we had was completely bad. the whole weekend did actually...

so we went to san francisco (she doesn't live in SF) and became tourists for a weekend. don't worry about how her boyfriend felt about all this. she didn't tell him.

we toured chinatown and the length of fishermans wharf. including pier 39 and alcatraz. we went to a wax museum, an imax ripoff and... some other stuff. we got into a million little fights, but always turned on a dime to be friendly again...

the second day there i woke up with some kind of major sickness. my head and back were in complete agony. she called me a wuss. i'm thinking flu. i still have it. it sucks. i decided to still go out and be a dorky tourist though...

she probably mentioned her boyfriend once every 10 minutes. she thinks i don't understand why she talks about him all the time, and i agree with her to her face, because she'd never believe me if i said otherwise. but i do. i understand what it's like to want to be sure there is always someone there. she talks about about him as if she didn't mention him so often, he'd disappear off the face of the earth.

most people in my real life say that my expectations for love and relationships are way to high. i think it's fucking sad that they should be forced lower.

so anyway... despite the fact that i hate her sometimes, i love her. ha. but i'd be damned if i was ever in a relationship with her again.

the funny thing is, i think i made her uncomfortable a few times throughout the trip. like she didn't know what to say. which is funny, because she knew exactly how to do that to me when we were going out. i felt completely comfortable in SF (other than being sick). i don't like making people uncomfortable. not unless it can help them in some way. i guess i've changed that much. it's been a year and a half. maybe i threw her off.

yea... now i'm home again. i feel a little bit different from when i left here on friday... but maybe that's because i'm sick.