i said to mally, "i don't know what i should post on delerium." and she said, "just post whatever you're thinking, that's what the internet is for."

then i made some comment about how i thought it was for illegal software and porn...

but then i realized that she was mally, and as a result, right.

so it just happens that i was thinking at that very moment how much i really appreciate mally. i appreciate her lots. i'm sure it's not even enough. she's great...

and then i came here and found that post about mal and locke doing mal and locke things. i smiled. i realized how much i appreciate them also. lots.

so, THAT led me to this understanding of my emotional state at the moment. it's happy. really happy.

but... you may say: "happy, i know that feeling..."

but i may not believe you. because, i've been happy before, but i've never felt like this. this is an entirely new emotion to me. the closest thing i can relate it to is happy. but really, it's not like most peoples happy.

so, what does that mean? that can only mean to me that there are countless emotional states that no one has ever been in. the easiest thing i can relate this to is love. most people understand their lack of understanding for love on some level. i certainly do. you know i'm talking about intimate relationship love here, right? whatever...

okay, that's another point. not to go off on a tangent within a tangent, but our collection of words pertaining to emotions is pretty sparse. i can't tell you how many times i filled out my daily "emotional journal" in elementary school (where i had to list an emotion for the day) and drew a blank. i thought i was retarded. but no... i was just a victim to our languages lack of wordage for emotions.

so anyway. there are millions of emotions. probably more. but this pertains not only to emotions, but intellectual states as well. i mean, a lot of primetime television shows have touched on the idea of telepathy and other such things the mind may be capable of. and it's been said a million times that we only use ten percent of our brain... so yeah. it's all been said before. why am i saying it again? you know what i'm talking about, right?

but, i think that people know things... but they don't... pay attention to them. i'm surprised i even recognized that this is a new emotion. i could have just said, "eh, i'm happy" and gone on to eat my macaroni and cheese. but i payed attention. i'm not letting this one slip by. it's trying to tell me something.

mally has been saying that she doesn't know what makes her happy... i can understand that. in truth, i'm not certain what makes me happy. i may have some idea, but there really is no certainty there. but this emotion is saying to me that one thing alone will not make me happy for the rest of my life. it's too random. there are too many factors. i'm sure it's possible for one thing to make me happy, but that would be a one in a million shot.

my brain changes everyday. yesterday i was listening to Sigur Ros. i smiled. today i'm listening to Little Red Rocket. i smile. two completely different sorts of music, each making me smile...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT??

i don't know. go visit matthew. he's back and has beautiful things to show. i love him. goodnight.