so, anyway...

i seem to muddle through life. i sit for what seems like hours just staring at my pant leg... even though i know it's only been minutes. if there was something i was supposed to do, i couldn't ever know. if i actually did have a purpose, i'm deaf to it. this is said with the expectation that there is someone who can give me a purpose, which i couldn't be sure of anyway. i really don't know what i'm doing, ever. if i told you something today, don't expect for me to say that tommorow. unless i told you i loved you. i don't say that much. it's not to be taken lightly.

i'm afraid that i don't deserve what i'm getting sometimes. of course, that would be in assuming that there was someone to give me these things, which i couldn't be sure of anyway. i feel like a fake sometimes, even though all i say is all i believe... i'm just not sure if they are seeing more. maybe they're hoping it's there... but i don't really know what they're hoping for. so i'm lost, and i'm doomed.

i want to sleep, but i don't want to be tired. i don't want to be anything that you expected because i'm scared of what you may have expected in the first place. i'm frightened of people. i hunt socially the way you would stand still in the face of a tiger. i smile and laugh through gritted teeth and hope to not be devoured alive. i hope you are caring and kind enough to not devour me alive. but that's a harsh thing to expect with tigers. they're just here to eat. and there is no wrong in that.

but i'd never run. i'd sit and take it like a man. heh. or a boy pretending to be a man, anyway. but all the while, my secret hope is that you'll attack me only to pin me to the ground, laugh, and lick my nose... and we'd just sink into the sand.

it's funny that i don't know what to say here. it's funny that i think some people may be tired of this. it's funny that i don't speak like this in real life. it's funny, and a very laughable funny. just like all life. it's very funny. and though this may seem very dry and emo, i assure you, i could say it all while laughing loudly. i'm the first to admit that i'm wrong. i'm the first to admit that it's silly. it is. but you have to establish the scene before you can say the scene is silly.

but, anyway...