one more for the night:

i sat molded into the couch for most of the night. i looked up into the ceiling for what must have been minutes. i used to count the little specks that filled it. but, i soon stopped doing that... only because i'd moved so many times and had to start over so many times... i thought that i would let it be. i never really needed to know anyway.

it's funny how you notice things though. as an artist i saw everything in the world as a sketch or painting for awhile. it was an odd combination of being close to and seperated from my environement at the same time. i would look at a tree curving down until the trunk became roots and burst through the ground. you can see how the dirt lumps up a bit before it causes the wood to disappear. the grass that surrounds it is always in patches and the way the light hits a leaf of grass so that it shines slightly... not from the grass itself, but from the dew that collected on it in the morning.

i guess these things aren't bad to notice. but, when you get in that frame of mind, it can be overwhelming at times...

also... i'm so slow at whatever i do. i'm a slow person. i've been working on a prelude for Winter in Spades for... awhile now. i just can't kick something out. i can't work on something unless i feel that it is completely right. i'm slow. slower than most, i guess. i'm not sure if this is a bad thing. does art become better because it's fast?

fucking christ, no...

i'm not sure what art is but i know a lot of things it isn't. it has nothing to do with speed. it has nothing to do with how clever it is. it has nothing to do with it's brilliance compared to another piece. that's a contest. art isn't a contest. that's contrived.

i don't know what my art is either, and i'd never try to define it. i hate to hear people i love say that their art isn't good enough... because... it's not about being good enough. it's about being true enough. that may seem silly... i say silly things. but, just because it's silly, that doesn't make it wrong. it doesn't make it right, either. but it's a happy answer for me... and i'll live with it for now.