Okay... I just took a short nap... and had the most fucked up dreams ever. They were like American Pie, but with new situations and more fucked up. Don't even ask me how this shit crawled into my brain.

So, the first one started off with me in bed... wait... first off, I think all these dreams occured in a camp of some sort... but the camp was meant for young adults of ages 16-21 or some shit. I dunno. Anyway, the first dream started off with me in bed. The bedroom I was in... wasn't really a bedroom... it was like a hallway where people passed in and out all the time. There were people walking around... I was half awake/slowly moving towards fully awake. I was resting. Then I rolled over, facing the doorway - which was about 5 feet from the edge of the bed - and none other than pop-folk singer Jewel walked in. She just sort of stopped there for a second and got a little close... I seemed to be attracted to her in the dream... Anyway, she looked down under the covers and mumbled the word "Depeche" and walked over to the dresser. She took off her shirt and changed it - which didn't seem to be that strange... there were other guys in the room changing as well. It seemed to be the designated changing area. Then she walked out... I decided to get up now... and I find out that all I'm wearing are boxers - which isn't that strange, but seemed to surprise me a little. So, now i'm changing my shirt and a guy walks in - apparently my friend. Let's call him Bob. So, Bob walks in and suddenly says, "Dude, Jewel just said you have an ass like Daves from Depeche Mode!"

... Now... apparently, there really is a guy named David in Depeche Mode... I know this because I just looked it up on the internet. But, were it not for that, I wouldn't know. It seems however, that my subconscious is a veritable Depech Mode Trivia Powerhouse... or something... jesus.

So... the fact that Jewel said my ass looked like Daves from Depeche Mode didn't really seem to phase me... for some reason. What did phase me - and with good reason - was when Bob yelled out, "So let's see it, dude... so we can compare..." which was followed by a gregarious "Yeah!" from the other 20 or so men in the room. And they fucking meant it. At this point, a lot of things were going through my head... as they inched closer to me. I yelped, "What... dude, why...? NO... it... how the hell would you know what Daves ass looks like anyway?!"

... And Bob replied, "He's got this thing with the hair on his ass... it kind of ripples... C'mon, off with the shorts."

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

At this point I started backing out through the door and into the hall... where they followed me. I ran into a big group of people and tried to make some diversionary comment followed by a quick break to... somewhere... just running. Which sort of failed as they yelled "Tackle him!" and... tackled me...

Luckily my dream cut away to another "scene" before they actually ripped all my clothes off...

The other scene just seemed to be a transitional scene where I found out that my car had been submerged in water. But it didn't bother me that my car was submerged - it bothered me that my trunk wouldn't close, so everything I had in it kept floating out...

So... that transitioned to a car ride. The car ride didn't leave much room for anything strange... or so I thought. For some reason, whoevers car we were in only had two seats... but we needed to carry four people... so two people would sit in the seats, and the driver and another passenger would sit on their laps. One of the passengers was a 400 lb man who we'll call George. You'd think that we'd work it out so George would sit in the seat... but no... we decided that I better sit in the seat and let George sit on my lap... with no shirt on...

So... for awhile it wasn't that bad... a little heavy... a little sweaty... but nothing I couldn't handle. Until the other guys started joking about farting. George laughed and made it clear that he was about to... and I just screamed out in terror. The other guys in the car seemed to be enjoying it. The joking only lasted for a second before George just let one go...

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before.... but my senses are very keen in dreams. Meaning that I actually feel things, taste things and... smell things. At times, this can be very nice... at other times... Hoping that it's only a dream doesn't help me at all...

So... the first one he let off consisted of me trying to push him off - with futile results, since there was nowhere to push him to. The other boys laughter got even louder as he did it... it was a short one though... and they soon started to scream when they realized it was about to smell. But... this one didn't smell... and they scolded me for being such a nancy boy... George wasn't satisfied, though. He was determined to destroy us all with his deadly odor... So... he let another one go... and this one was the longest fart in fart history. I wasn't concerned so much with how it would smell anymore... but more concerned with how it felt. It felt wrong. Very wrong. There was vibration. These things should not happen. Ever.

But, I woke up in the middle of that. My brain hates me.