oh god... i think i'm just starting to realize that everything i've done over the past two years here will be completely GONE in a few weeks... i mean, it will still be here with me, but that's really the only place. i'm just leaving everything behind... and i can't even wait to go. now i know that i'm leaving and it's just sort of lingering until i actually do...

i woke up this morning after this rather disturbing dream where i was being swept away by an ocean current... but, i was being swept away in front of a huge crowd... and they all just looked at me like i was in the way of the magnificent sunset that was behind me and me crying for help was just ruining their tranquility. it was all very strange... and... i don't know. i woke up with a heavy heart and i can't get rid of it.

i just want to be with my friends. i'm so far away from everyone... i just feel like i'm locked in this little shell that is jacob... even when i leave this stupid apartment -- which i do whenever i can -- i still just feel locked inside of me. the people that are here are in thier own worlds with their own people and i feel incredibly unwelcome. it's partly my fault, probably...

as much as i fucking hate to say it, i feel different. i mean, i'm the same and i have the same thoughts and feelings and everything, but i just deal with them differently. i have no convictions. i have no beliefs. i wish i did.

i think i was like this right before i left to see mal and locke last time. i don't even know why i get this way. i just feel small.. and i have all these problems, but i try to be so fucking independent at times it makes me sick. i don't ask people for advice, and that's so incredibly stupid of me. it's not like i don't TAKE advice... it's just that the people giving it aren't quite aware that they are. and the thing is, when someone flat out gives me advice, i might contest it at first... but only because i want to make sure the person giving this advice really believes it.

i listen to everything and everyone, just so you know. sometimes i wish people would sit down and tell me everything they believe. everything they know and want... just out of nowhere. i absolutely love to hear these things. i want to hear someone else besides myself. god, i hear myself 24 hours a day. but, i want them to tell it to ME. i want someone to look at me and say, "here, this is what i think..." without expecting me to think the same thing.

i feel so dangerous when i say things that people agree with, because, when i say something that they don't agree with, they suddenly feel fooled. "well, he's not like me at all... sigh..."

i'm so open as to how to live my life it's insane. there are so many beautiful ways to live life, i can't choose just one. i want them all. maybe that's a bit greedy. maybe it tears me apart sometimes... it's like connect the dots, only i don't like the picture, so i'm just adding my own dots to make it look how i want it to... it probably ends up with this ridiculous looking mess of lines because i change my mind so often. oh... but, i guess life is a journey, so i'd never finish the picture anyway -- which is a good thing...

i don't know... i don't even think i'm like this at all in person. i mean, not completely. i'm pretty happy... i think. and it's probably because i write these silly melodramatic blog things...