i'm such a fucking rebel. or i'm such a fucking idiot. i can't remember which. or maybe i just want what i want, so everything is wrong. maybe i want to leave my clothes on the floor. maybe i want to wake up in the morning and have my first thought be of how long i can hold her before i should get up. my first thought this morning was making sure i've put all the cushions back in the right order after i've spent the night sleeping on the couch (i'm sleeping on the couch of my mothers place).

god, i don't want to be this. i don't want to be the guy that has no direction... the guy who isn't working. who doesn't have a job to support his traveling habit. but, then again, i do want to be that guy. i want to get the fuck out of here. i want to go somewhere i've never been before. where's the job that pays for that? i want to go to the east coast... but, that has nothing to do with the east coast really. i just want who's residing in the east coast... i just want to be with her everywhere. i want new places and people and everything. i want everything. the work isn't important. i'm not even sure i should be working. i'm not qualified to be an artist just yet... maybe a commercial artist, but that takes little real knowledge. it's very trivial. very "tuesday afternoon psychiatrist couch." but, i'm not qualified to ask questions yet. i don't even know what questions to ask because i haven't seen enough confusion. i haven't lived in a place that makes no sense to me. these places; Berkeley, SF, Burbank, LA, Visalia... they're all fucking strange... but they MAKE SENSE. in such a fucked up way. they make sense so much it's absurd. they make sense they way mal says peanut butter is mild. you just think, "what the fuck?!" but you can't argue the point with him because HE thinks it's mild. there's nothing you can do to to change his frozen-under-the-ice-bear-suit-canadia-loving mind. so it is mild. it does make sense.

but, i want the first light to hit my eyes in the morning to be one that leaves me dumbfounded. WHATEVER... anyway, what i'm saying is: i want to do neat stuff with my girlfriend.

oh, i have a girlfriend. did i mention that? i'll probably mention it a lot, because it's a very confusing thing for me... to have a girlfriend. a particularly amazing girlfriend. the 'particularly amazing' part warrants me mentioning her a lot...

then again, maybe i won't mention her a lot. people might get upset. they might think i was bragging... and i guess i am. bugger. sorry. i'm just happy, and sort of missing her, because she's not here. so, i'm crazy.

anyway, i want to learn things. i guess. yo. i don't know what to say much anymore. i think sometimes i try not to say things that are contrived and they end up being contrived because i tried to make them not contrived. i don't fucking talk about these things to people... i'm sorry. i think a lot and 99 percent of it never leaves my head except in these free association blogs.

and another thing... no one has corresponded with me in like 5 days! what's that about?!