i wrote this bio of mal a long time ago. since i have nothing to talk about, here:

he was born in the rugged outback of Canada. London, Ontario is the outback, right? i can only imagine that, being raised in Canada, his parents must have been eskimos. so he was born, frozen in the -5,000 degree weather, and quickly dressed in a mountie uniform to help him thaw.

mal had a tortuous upbringing. at age five he was forced into the local hockey league by his loving parents (who mal affectionately calls "those fuckers"). being the only five year old in the Maple High School Hockey League proved to be difficult for little mal. upon being tied to the goal (for use as a goalie) he was told by his fellow teammates to "suck it up, eh."

his parents forced him into hockey at such an early age because, to be quite honest, little mal was "fruity." at age 3 mal began his obsession with the dance. while other kids were busy watching the Canadian classic "You Can't Do That on Television" mal was busy watching PBS specials about the russian ballet. this may also have something to do with his desire to be russian, but mostly, it was his passion for the dance.

by age 10, mal had enough of the hockey life and decided to follow his dreams. he worked all summer, the summer of 1989, in a local moose stable and earned enough money to begin his secret dance lessons. mal was on his way.

there was only one slight hitch in mal's plan, though. mal had no toes.

oh well, so much for the dance.

so, from there, bitter with the world and his lack of tiny appendages, mal decided that he would devote his life to a career that would not only be disrespected, but underpaid as well.

mal's first stint as an artist was for his high school newspaper. there he drew eskimos with books in their hands for the front of the paper. he also created a one panel political cartoon in the paper about... eskimos with books. this was a very accurate portrayal of high school life in Canada. mal won critical acclaim from his english teacher, mr. avery. he got a gold star.

(note: sadly, he still got a D in the class. gold star does not = A)

by the time he left high school, mal was respected by millions of people in his head. so he decided to let them all know about it by creating his own website titled: "Mal's Weekly Something or Other." it was destined for success. every week mal would post a new picture of Bea Arthur for all to see. soon the hits came rolling in by the MILLIONS.

and then, an epiphany. mal had been honing his artistic skills for quite a few years. he was quite the accomplished illustrator. it was quite a thing to see. quite.

"maybe i should post artwork on my weekly site instead..." he cried to himself over a another faked nude Bea Arthur photo.

besides, Bea Arthur would never go out with him just because of his silly website. she was a big star. Golden Girls was a syndicated hit watched by tens of... people. how could he ever hope to win her heart?

but, after much deliberation, he decided that everyone would much rather see Bea Arthur in erotic poses than drawings of AniMe4EvA and he should never have even thought of it. and so it was...

so this is the mal we know and love today. Bea Arthur would be proud of what mal has become were she not old and senile... but she is.

(this bio painfully researched and written by jacob. reference sources include: playboy, ign, unofficial ycdtotv site, PBS)

don't fuck with me. i'll bio your ass so hard, it'll hurt.