i shuffled out the door, not actually shuffling, but more like rushing and scraping my feet. and also my knuckle on the gate from my haste and oblivious determination. from the gate to the car in a second, all before i could say fuck, my hand. i opened the door and floated in a thick swarm of heat that rushed out... desperately running from the place i wanted to be. my key slid into the ignition and like that... nothing. i had forgotten the pro-lock... but i'll move on as this is not really interesting at all. just filler. i did finally start the car and fumbled to start the CD player as quickly as possible so as not to be left alone with only the sound of an engine that would remind me that i'm all alone. and then i drove. i drove all the way down the street, dangerously involved in singing and banging and trying to forget that i had a vapo-rub heart burning just a few steps behind me. but it was there at all times. and i kept driving. i wanted to drive fast enough so that it would spring behind and maybe the elastic would wear out and finally snap off... leaving me okay. and not paranoid. and not sad. i wanted to drive fast enough to be with her... so fast that i'd catch her sleeping and she'd wake with me on the road, so incredibly lost that it would make more sense to keep going than to find our way back. i wanted to drive like i was the high school football star and so involved that nothing could phase me... but then, i know everything phased them. and they're wretched and sad and angry at their mothers and fathers, twisting through pretend playgrounds and rooftops and dealing with their real skies and mundane lives that they love to hate. while i was still angry with my mother, i had the real rooftops and fake skies and a life that has no certainty, but infinite possibilities... and they keep chasing. i guess i'm driving from them also. because what i'm doing is dangerous. and it's not right, you know, you need stability and a home and a 401k and many friends and i don't like your attitude what with being so in love with this girl that you would risk everything for only her happiness even though none of us even know what our own happiness is. as if we had our own happiness. as if it was something that we had the rights to. as if it was a fish that we would be able to catch and nurture. but, i'm a one man army, and i'll listen to that fucking CD over and over - singing at the top of my lungs and casting a watery eye to everyone i pass on that long road. i'm a one man army who cares so goddamn much that he's being killed. standing on the front lines and fucking crying and sobbing and weeping because i can't bear to hate anything. and all these people. who are all these people who can't stand to hear me wanting something better? who give me dirty looks when i tell them that they've hurt me? who are angry at me for being selfish enough to be hurt? who won't help when i ask.

and i'll listen to your CD and cry. and cry. and cry. and cry because i'm not with you. and cry because i'm crying. and i shouldn't. and cry because i'm so sad that it turns everyone else away... and so sad because everyone has turned away. except for you. but, i don't know where you are tonight... which probably means you're happy somewhere. which makes me happy. have you ever been happy while depressed? have you ever been happy, but not been able to even begin the tapering of a smile? and i am alone. and i don't know why. i try... i'll make lists. lists of the things that made me happy. lists of remembering us. lists that make me smile and cry three days later.

but, honestly, i can't cry. i can't cry because i'm so confused and my chest is a hole while my stomach is aching from a sickness that i keep bringing. i don't even know how to cry. i only cry when i'm so scared that i've hurt someone. but i can't cry for myself.

but, i'm driving. 10 mph. on a short country road - taking pictures out of the window. taking pictures of boring things. taking pictures of myself swerving off the road and stopping. and looking at all of these roads of nothing. i heard there was a town a few miles up (3,500). a small town with a big possibility.

i miss you. and i guess that i should.