i've spent the last few days reading and sleeping and avoiding people... sometimes i wonder how anyone can like me at all...

it always seems that everyone is so detached from everyone else. maybe i'm detached a little bit, also... but... it's usually from people that i don't even know. if i really care about someone, how i feel about them doesn't change unless they intentionally push me away.

i don't know... things are hard for me to write. i used to write so freely... but now i'm afraid that the things i say will hurt people i love... but that's not my intention. i'm not even sure what my intention is, but that's not it.

i'm just lonely right now... but, i just don't want to meet new people or get attached to anyone else...

i mean... jesus... i'm becoming embittered with meeting new people... because it always ends the same. they leave or they forget about you or they just stop caring or they lose interest because they found out that, oh no, you don't like exactly the same things that they like or you don't know the words to the song they love... it always changes... but it never changes for me. when i really care about people, i really actually fucking care about them. and this is frustrating. so i don't even want to meet new people anymore. at all. because i know where it will go. i know where it will end up. it's just frustrating... too frustrating...

and i'm tired of all these superficial relationships and friendships i see people in... like... they just go out to meet people and they pretend to be friendly and all this shit but they're not. they all sit there really wanting something else or someone else and they all fucking pretend that they don't really want to be with someone else and they're not really thinking about him or her or it or whatever. and they get home and they sigh themselves to sleep and try to beat the hollow spot in their chest away.

and that's the only reason i'm embittered with it all. because i can fucking see it. i can usually tell when someone doesn't really want to be talking to me. it's not paranoia, it's the truth. and it's not like i blame them, i'm just pissed that they keep fucking lying to themselves about it. that they fake it all just to seem like they can deal with all of it. this planet is just full of people who are too scared to even be truthful with themselves. i mean, really, that's it.

i'm just tired... i'm tired of the constant "search" or whatever. i don't want to search anymore. it just makes me crazy and insane. i want people... there are people that i want. i know who they are. they make me happy... and... i don't know. maybe i'm sentimental and stupid... but all i know is that it feels good to know you're with people who care about you more than anyone else anywhere... and if they had a choice, they'd be with you right now. that's how i feel about them, anyway.

and what's wrong with wanting that? i mean... what's wrong with wanting to be happy? are there rules to being happy? has someone drafted up the happiness doctrine that we should all live by? i think i'm happy with myself... but there's only so much you can do by and for yourself. we live on a planet with other people... and sometimes, some of those other people make you really happy... what's wrong with WANTING to be with them?? why should we have to constantly search?

this isn't directed at anyone in particular, even though i'm sure it could be perceived this way... this is just about the people i've met here in visalia and why i really don't want to be here. it's not that i don't like the people here, they're fine... some of them are great... but they already have their own things and people and everything. and they all sit and pretend and they have all these social rules that they live by and define their relationships by and i just can't take it. i want to scream at it all, but i can't because it's not in the rulebook.

anyway, i'm done being fucking emo.