but it's not really entirely true. i want to meet people. i just have a hard time with it all being so artificial... and honestly, i make it that way as much as anyone else does. i can't forget about people i really care about... so the relationships i have with other people are just on the surface. it doesn't go anywhere... and i don't really want it to. i can't handle it all. too many relationships with too many people... it destroys me. it overwhelms me. it makes me tired.

that's why i've always kept just a few close relationships. i can't handle being somewhere with someone, devoting a lot of caring to them and then writing contrived letters to people that i also care about because i'm suddenly in a different place with a different person. it's like... you have to keep switching personalities between the people... and i hate that. i think i'm okay with just a few close friends.

i mean... also... there are a lot of things that i do and that i want to do... creative ventures or whatever. friendships take a lot of work. real friendships. i can handle a few... but if i had too many, i don't know if i'd even have the energy to write songs or draw comics or design. and my mind is focused on the things a lot of the time. if i had tons of friends, none of them would get any attention from me... it would all be contrived.

i don't know. i've been in this really emo mode lately. sorry for tainting delerium with it. i just don't know what to do. i know all the things i want to do, but none of them are "realistic" to anyone but me... so, all i get are these disapproving grunts from people when i sit and write or draw or make songs. it makes my life and my wants seem so worthless and my motivation to do these things or anything else drops dramatically.

and i don't want people to sit around and say, "oh, he's having a rough time right now..." in a half-caring tone and just go on to forget about me. i mean, call me shallow, but i want to be important to people i care about. i want to be important to someone. i'd like to know that someone at least thinks of me at some point everyday.

sometimes things are just beyond me. sometimes i just can't make myself feel better... and that's something i've had to do for myself a lot growing up. but sometimes things just go so wrong that it's impossible to pick myself up. maybe i'm weak... but all i need are my friends to help me feel a little better sometimes... and with me it can't just be fixed by some small quick encounter with a random person.

i know what i want... but it's just... i can't have it. i guess. and i don't know why. it's not asking much, really... it's this beautiful loving thing for everyone involved. but it's just not possible... i mean... i hope it is possible... but it doesn't seem like it is...

so... anyway... i'm running out of rice crispies. and... i've heard a weird amount of country music lately. yeah...