well, i was just reminded that fall will be coming soon and suddenly realized what that would mean; walking endlessly down unfamiliar black and cleansed streets staring into space and sitting alone in the rain. i haven't done this for so long, but i've been put into a position where this will be a regular staple in both the fabric of my solitude and stubborness. rain is beautiful and tragic all at the same time. dark and cloudy skies and dirt that is loosened from the gravel leaving that smell in the air. the one that can't be identified; is it clean or is it dirty?

i sort of miss fall this way, but i'm also kind of dreading it because for me it's always a very strict and sigh-worthy solitude. i might be in seattle when it comes, and apparently it will come over and over again. my eyes are constantly hardened into a wide state and my mouth is not quite opened but left loose just in case something might come out. it's hard to tell if i cry at all in the rain and i honestly never know - but the air presses down on my chest from the outside and my throat tenses leading me to believe that i probably do cry.

i don't know what it is, but it's always the biggest reminder that i'm alone. probably because the streets are consistently empty when the rain starts and i'm usually the only one left. it's a very confusing time of year for me. i love it but it makes me lonely. love and loneliness. this year it should be especially harsh. i'm guessing.