i've been having dreams that i wish i wouldn't have. about old girlfriends and things they might do without me now. some of it naughty and some of it not... and i woke up and felt really sad. not because they were in sexual situations with other people (though, really, i can't believe this. at least in real life i can try to think of something else, but now my head is making up elaborate subconscious imagery for it all), but when i saw their faces, they were so amazingly happy. happier than i can ever remember them being with me. in a dream i suppose you can actually measure the happiness. but it was a happiness that filtered the thought of me from it. it was a happiness without me. not just happy; happy without me.

and i'm afraid of that... a lot i think. afraid that i don't actually make anyone happy. somewhere along the line, it became important for me to make people happy. but i seem to fail at that constantly. when it comes down to it, when it's really personal and close - i fail. and it hurts so much because i try so incredibly hard.

and the feelings are mixed. i obviously don't want them to be unhappy... but, i don't know. i guess in my perfect world, in my cheesy world, i'd be just special enough to make them happy.

i guess i talk about it too much, also. i'm passive-aggressive, apparently.