going through the archives seems strange to me. i mean, really, two years isn't a lot of time. somehow i can remember where i was and what i was doing a year ago, but two years ago seems like an entirely different world. i was a young urban proffesional, living it up in burbank, CA - partying almost every night, having friends everywhere, being productive, making money (a lot of money), skinny dipping, going to theme parks... but still lonely.

a year ago at this time i was beginning to make mistakes and starting to be very needy. i didn't have any money, i didn't really get out that much, i wasn't very healthy... but i wasn't really lonely. i was desperate and stupid on occasion - which i wish i could go back and change (i think i'm learning a bit now, slowly getting better), but i was happy.

and here i am now; still making mistakes, still being unnecessarily needy, struggling to break out of pessimism and into optimism (i'm getting there). i'm lonely again... and part of me wants to remedy this and part of me doesn't. when i was in burbank, i walked around the city alone, taking pictures and sitting and staring at buildings and talking to charming old men in charming old bookstores. that part of lonely was nice. i didn't mind it so much. part of me wished someone were there with me - someone who could share those things and appreciate them in the same way i did, but still another part of me was glad that i had this time and these memories. they're mine and no one elses. no one can change them.

i don't know what i want to do next or where i want to go. i've realized that it's the people that are around me that make me happy - not where i am or what i'm doing. people that give me space to be alone.. and people i can give space to (i gave it very easily once... i'm not sure where i went wrong. mistakes, regret. sigh.). but, i'd also like to have the option to be around people i care about. i suppose this is obvious. i think i've always known this. but, i can't even count how many songs i've heard recently that have told me that we're all alone in this world. i don't think i want that to be true.

i don't know - i'm not a perfect boy. i think i try to be at times; i try to be a good person and i try to do the right thing. but i obviously don't always. i make mistakes. big mistakes. just please, allow me to make mistakes. you can call me on them, but please don't write me off because of them.