Good lord, it's already 10:30... What happened? This day and these allergies just
raped me sideways. It's gotta be allergies. Something fucked up like that. I woke
up and felt really nauseous. I almost didn't go to work... but I kinda like my
job... so I went. Like... the Grinch movie is coming out soon... that's one of
ours. We're doing this stuff for the grinch, but there's all these fucked up legal
issues that can't correlate the movie with the cartoon... or some junk. I don't
really get it. I'm making flash screen savers and e-cards (internet evil) for
some event that is supposed to happen at the Universal Studios park at the same
time the movie's coming out. Umm... yea. I never talk about my job... so... now
I have. That's what I do... sometimes. It always changes.



Well, probably 30% of the day is spent bullshitting... or playing basketball...
or Soul Caliber... Not that it's wasted time. No... it uhh... all helps develop
our creativity. I've worked at this job since January. So far it's the most laid
back and creative job I've had... I've had some fucked up jobs in the past. I
worked at KB Toys right before I worked here. Retail...



Christ... retail. If ever there was a genre of jobs that would make me want to
pull my left testicle from below and stick it with sewing needles, just so I could
go home sick... it would be retail. I worked in retail at the most horrifying
time anyone in the world could ever work in retail. War time. The battle of the
bulge. Fucking christmas shopping season...



The first day of the shopping season was the day after thanksgiving. The busiest shopping day of the year. They called it "black day". Now, I never knew
this. I was always a sane human being. The day after Thanksgiving is always a
holiday. You don't wake up at 4:00 am in the morning to shop on a holiday. Christ.
You'd have to be a moron. You know what. This country is full of morons.



Like a week before this day, management called the entire staff together for a pre-black-day
meeting. It was called black day for some stupid marketing reason, i dunno. Basically this
day is the most profitable day of the year... especially for toy stores. They
sat down everyone in the store and had us watch a video that would prepare us for black day... which normally seems
okay and I'd be happy with... except for that fact that the meeting was called
at 5:00 am in the godforsaken morning. Good lord... All I remember
was that this video... wasn't a normal employee trainee video. It was a disclaimer.
I_was_going_to_die.



If you've ever been in the army, or have been allowed to watch the recruitment
films they show... you know that they come layered with patriotism, honor, pride
and all that crap... but deep down you just can't help but think that they're
not showing what it feels like to get your face blown up, or your stomach shafted
through your anus. There is a sense of nervousness... of foreboding doom. This
is what the KB toys video was like. Behind the smiles of all the employees turned
temporary actors, I could feel their pain. A tiny glimpse to the camera revealed
everything from one poor soul. With her eyes she said, "I'd like to take this
furby and gouge out my own eyeballs with it's beak. Good God, help me." I cried
for her.



But no, it wasn't her I felt most sorry for... it was their "team leader". Roy.
What a trooper. A fucking idiot... but a trooper nonetheless. Roy's job consisted
of telling an employee what to do, and then going to the back to call the corporate
office to tell them he just told someone what to do. Jesus. I'm glad I didn't
have his job.



No, my job wasn't as difficult. I had Joey's job. Joey, the fat but outgoing "aisle
maintenance operative", was quite a sport. He didn't seem to mind when that die
cast steel metal truck fell on top of his head... no, because he had "team spirit!". He "always put on a smile, and made sure the customer was never waiting". He couldn't
be bothered with a clean rag to sop up the blood flowing from his forehead. No!
He had customers to assist, aisles to clean, toys to make look consumable... Uhh...
so like, my duties were to keep the aisles stocked, clean, and to assist the customers.



So here we are, watching this video... and it ends with, "Your store stands to
make $100,000 from this one day alone!"... I was getting paid $6 an hour!
I... was fucking.... psyched.



So the big day finally comes. I get up at 3:00 am, just so I can take a shower
and WALK all the way to the store so I'll be there at 4:00 am to start. Now...
I thought it was stupid that the store would open at 4 that day. I was mumbling
bitter obscenities as I walked around the corner to the front store. "Nobody will
even be here, I'm just gonna be sitting around for fucking ever just waiting for
people to-" and maybe I should've mumbled this as well, "HOLY FUCKING CHRIST!"
There was a line... no... a MOB of people gathered in front of the store. It could've
been the entire city of Burbank for all I knew. The majority of these people hadn't
even showered or even bothered to dress. night caps and robes were abundant...



As I approached the front of the store I noticed that numbers were being handed
out. For what, I don't know. I'm sure they explained it all in the video, but
I hadn't noticed. I was too busy being inexplicably frightened. I entered the
store, having almost been torn apart by the rabid awaiting customers. "Jacob,
you take aisle 2!"



"Umm... k.", I was pumped.



The clock is ticking. 1 minute left until disaster strikes. With every second
my fear grows like a weed, destroying every ounce of sanity that remains. It's
only the beginning.



Boom. The doors are open. I'm greeted first by a tired middle aged woman who hates
me and everything I stand for...



"Where the fuck is... uhh... this... pokemon? My
granddaughter keeps asking for it."



"Umm-"



"Jesus, you either know or you don't know..."



"Well it's-"



"Christ, where's your manager?"



"Down the aisle and to the left."



Umm... I'd cite some more encounters with customers for the rest of the morning...
but they were all pretty much like that. Finally, after about 6 hours, I was asked
to go in the back and check inventory. Do what? I had no idea what the fuck they
were talking about. Check inventory? Uhh, I had no sort of list to even begin
to know what we were or weren't supposed to have. I went in the back and there
must have been about 5 billion boxes... yea... But uhh... waitaminute... This
box is kinda soft. My feet really hurt. I'm sure I could "check inventory" with
my eyes shut and laying on these boxes, no?



So, after a nice 10 minute nap, the door came flying open and in walked my boss.
Luckily... or supernaturally... I'm not really sure how I did it, I was up on
my feet uttering out loud, "51, 52, 53... 54. 54 boxes here... of these... things...
over here."



Well, she could see that I was incredibly tired from counting so she asked me
if I had taken my break yet. "Uhh... no..."



Umm... good lord this is getting long for a blog... Uhh so anyway, I ended up
taking a 15 minute break, going back to work, standing on my feet for another
6 hours, getting hit in the head with a fire truck, a hot wheels race track, a
Toy Story 2 RC car and a wrestlemania wrestling ring the size of a small child...
There could have been more... but things got fuzzy.



So... I kept working there for (almost) the entire christmas season. And aside
from being hit on by my married boss, and getting a mysterious paycheck for not
doing anything from her... I hated that job. Despised it. Loathed it. Wouldn't
trade a cancerous tumor for it... Yea... So when I got a job offer from Universal,
I politely told KB Toys to fuck off. Well, as politely as you can say to someone,
"Hey, this job sucks, fuck off."



I got a postcard thing in the mail the other day... asking me to "Join the KB's
team for the holiday season once more"... Yea, okay.